Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
Anyway let's get right to it,
"Noma, what are you still doing here? Your shift ended," Alan, my boss looked at his watch, "holy crap three hours ago! You need to get out of here. Go on shoo!"my boss pushed me out the door, ignoring my protest."Oh, and you have a four week paid vacation next week. And no excuses missy, now out the door you go." "But Alan.." he waved his hands in the air cutting me off. "No 'but Alan's' me, now go!" with that he shoved me into my old rusty Ford pick-up, with a sigh I pulled out of the restaurant parking lot and drove the 15 minute drive back to my apartment. -20 minutes later- "Hey Mrs. Calliat, it's Noma. I was just calling to let you know that I will be able to work any time from the 22nd to February." I spoke into the phone to my second boss. "Oh honey you didn't get my letter? We're moving to North Dakota. I'm sorry honey but you no longer have to be a nanny," then she hung up. "Well okay than," I mumbled then picked up the phone and dialed the aquarium I volunteered at. After three rings someone picked up. "Ripley's Aquarium, Tiffany talking. How may I help you?" "Hey, it's Noma. Is there any days open?" "Oh hey Noma. Umm I don't know, one sec I"ll check." I could hear paper rustling in the background. "No more in December." "What about January?" more paper rustling. "Nope." "None?" "None." "Okay thanks Tiffany," I hung up the phone. "Well ain't this just the best fucking day ever!" I leaned back into the couch. "Now what do I do for a month" "Well you could always go home.' "Jezzus Bethany, I didn't know you were home. You scared the shit out of me." "I know," my roommate smiled and sat next to me."So you gonna go home?'' I didn't know what to say so I said the first thing that came to my mind. "I can't I still have school." "Just think about it. You need to go home sooner or later. Why not now," then she got up and left. -A week later- *Home at last* I smiled at that thought. It feels so weird standing here again. I was getting ready to knock when the door was thrown open and I was tackled in an embrace of arms. I was laughing my head off while laying on the porch with all my old friends around me."Just like old times." I smiled at them. "Where the hell have you've been?" That of course was Maria. "Sissy oh my goshhhh, I've missed you!" And Rachel as always. ''Chicky! Woo look at you. Fine as ever," typical Roger with his cocky little smile. "I've missed you baby fox," I smiled at the old nickname Leo always called me. "Girly get your ass in here! It's freezing out there and you have a lot of explaining to do. Four years and no contact what so ever.!"Diane yelled at me and drug me into the house. *Oh I've missed y'all so much* I thought but instead said, "Alright, alright, I'm coming." --Okay let me explain. See, five years ago after my mom had died I swore that I when I graduated I was never coming back. And I had kept that promise...until now anyways. See, there was a lot of family issues and I had enough of it so instead of going to see them I went to see the people closest to me???my second family. There's Diane, she's Maria's mom and like my second mom. Then there's Roger, Leo, Maria, and Rachel, they have been my closets friends for eleven years so you know we've had our ups and downs. Okay now onto why they are so freaked to see me. After high school, I left Pennsylvania and moved to South Carolina. But to make a long story short. I hadn't talked to anyone up here in all the years I lived in S.C. so now they probably think they are seeing a ghost.--
Hmm, so something I notice right off the bat here is that we've got ourselves like five to six different scenes happening in this one piece and even then, the entire thing happens to be in this one massive chunk of a paragraph and that makes reading rather difficult. My first suggestion would be immediately look into fixing that up because it would improve this piece dramatically once all of those scenes are clearly sectioned off.
The second major issue I noticed is pacing. Sooo much happens here that this could genuinely be around a whole one third of a novel...or at least two to three chapters with how much is going on here. The pacing is just wayy to rushed for us to really react to anything going on, especially towards the very end there, perhap the first bit could work but everything after that really needs to be slowed down and those events need to get a bit more time so that the reader can feel its effects.
You also introduce those friends in a very sudden and jumpy manner in this rather long list format, which is rather awkward. It sounds like a team of superheroes being announced or something along those lines. You've got to introduce us to all of these people a lot more gradually, perhaps one at a time as she walks in to this place...rather than everyone jumping all of us at once with no warning whatsoever. I also felt like the emotions on display here for the magnitude of what's happening there in the end weren't sufficient. I saw some excitement, but I feel like so much more can be happening there besides everyone just calling each other by their nicknames and saying essentially "hello" in five different ways.
Overall, it looks like this premise here certainly has some potential but it this piece here has a long way to go before it can truly live upto that premise here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Points: 261340
Reviews: 4131
Donate