Published August 10, 2011
If you are reading this, then something terrible has happened to me. I leave this behind, only to inform you to not make the same mistake.
I wake up to my three year old german shepard licking my face at 7:45 A.M.
"Krap!" I screamed at myself, knowing that i'm going to miss the buss again.
I get out of bed and throw on the nearest, cleanest, peice of clothing I could find.
"This will have to do." I said as I threw on my black tee, blue jeans, and a shining white hoody."
I raced down our spiral steps, grabbed my lucky skull knecklace and my bag, and rushed out the front door way.
"Hey Susie!" I yelled, coming out my front doorway.
"Hey!" She hollered back as I came to her side.
"Ready?" I asked.
"No, not really"
"Well there isn't much we can do about that, now can we?"
"I can always play sick again. My mom will let me stay home."
"What am I going to do then?"
"You can always play sick too. Then we can hang out afterwards."
"But you heard Principle D. One more skipped day and we both get suspended. I would rather go to school."
"Well" She said as she hesitated. "Alright, but just for you!"
"Well, we better get moving or were going to miss the bus!"
We race to the bus stop to find out that we already missed it.
Susie turns and look at me "This is all your fault. I blame you."
"Hows it my fault? Your the one that keep me up all last night texting me!"
She stands there in shock, realizing that i've never spoke to her that way before.
As I lay my bag on the ground, a limo pulls up.
A mysterious voice rings through our ears as the man speaks to us."You kids need a ride?"
I pull Sue off to the side so the man in the car can't hear us.
"Sue, I say we take the ride. Only because neither of us can take another grounding from our parents."
"But who knows who this guy is!" She exclaimes. "I mean he could be a rapist person! Theres no way im getting in that car!"
"Sue please. I beg of you.This guy's our last chance, and i have a feeling like he's here to help us."
Sue stands their with her hands on her size 5 waist with a disgusted look on her face.
"Im not going to like it, but fine."
Sue and I go next to the car and motion for the man to roll his black tinted windows down.
"So you kids have decided to take me up on my offer?"
"First things first, man.. Whats your name and who do you work for?" Sue asked in violent fashion.
"My names Jared and i'll tell who I work for on the way there. Ok?"
Sue grabs my arm and drags me behind one of the trees.
She leans into me, enough to make it seem like we were kissing. She whispers to me, "I don't really like this guy... He gives me this feeling.. Like he's trying to use us for something."
"I think it'll be fine, Sue. Don't sweat it. He gives me this feeling, that all he wants to do is help."
"Your lucky I trust you Yuno."
She steps away and I start to walk back to the car.
When I reach the side of the limo, the door swings open. Sue and I both enter, not knowing if this is the end or just the beggining.
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138,846 Literary Works • 672,337 Reviews
I do enjoy this story's plot, there's a sense of mystery here that easily catches the reader. c: However, the grammar was a bit off and the sentence structure was rather plain. If you varied it just a bit more, the language of the story would be easier to read and understand.
Overall, still a great job.~
Hiyaa , as many of the readers before me have stated there is quite a lot of work to be done on this story. I didn't like it mainly because of the continuous dialogue and lack of detail of their surroundings. You simply jump from one person to the next and you never truly introduce us to where they are. Try something like, "The town was silent as we escaped my brick house, it's large shadow looming up behind us as the sun rose." I don't know, just trying to explain how that would work.
Also, stop using italics, it's actually very annoying and it disrupts the flow of the story. Most people would use italics to enforce something, for example. "Oh my God!" the man's hand pulled Becka forward, causing a hitch in her words.
Other's would use it to show a dream or a memory. I use it for the latter, dreams.
[[ One other thing, don't describe meanial things like; her size five waist, or her size twelve shoes. Try something more like, the wind blew her black hair into her eyes... You have to incorporate the detail to go with the story and don't become an info dumper, it's very unpleasant. ]]
-- Overall, you can fix this lack of imagination with some tweaks and details. It's not a bad start, just work on it and tell me when you have because I'll check back then. XDD
Write on,
~Writteninstone
[hope is a funny thing]
Firearris has done a great job at pointing out the grammatical errors.
I really liked how your dialogue told the story but I felt so out of contact with your world as that hasn't been described much, but as this is a prologue perhaps that's an unfair complaint.
I really liked this part:
Your dialogue and minor descriptions of what the characters did gave me a view into their personality. Just a quick note on grammar there, I may be wrong but I think I'm is correct rather an Im.
One other thing I liked was the start and the end acted as a hook, the start made sure you read the whole chapter and the end made sure you wanted to read the next chapter.
I liked this overall, it left me slightly confused but I'm still interested to know more about the story, its done what a prologue should do
Happy Writing!
Hey there, Hawkie! This is a good start! It definitely needs some work and refining, but you've got a great start for this prologue.
Couple of things regarding this part. First off, it's a bit cliche. A lot of stories have used lines like that as intros, and it gets a little old. Secondly, maybe you should have put that part in italics, or some other formatting. Otherwise it blends instantly with the scene between the two characters, and may be a little confusing for people.
For the first bold section, you need to add punctuation. For the second one, I would suggest changing it to "doorway". That is, unless he can actually walk through doors, which is talent.
Add punctuation!
Just out of curiosity, why wouldn't she suggest that he plays sick also? She seems to act as if it's obvious that he should go to school, yet she isn't going. Kind of weird, in my opinion.
You use so many ellipses here! Try not to use those too often. Instead, for example, try something like this:
"Well," she hesitated, "alright, but just for you!".
What does this man look like? Give us more description of everything around them!
Few things here. Mostly, you need to add punctuation for can't, there's, I'm, and "I mean, he". Also, why would he want to go with her with this random guy? They could walk to school, or get a ride of their parents. He seems kind of stupid. Also, for Sue's dialogue, you should try not to use an exclamation point after each sentence - it's overdone then.
It wouldn't necessarily have to be custom made for that. Car interiors/seating come in many, many fabrics.
Change this to "First thing's first, man. What's your name, and who do you work for?".
Correct it to "name's", "I'll" and "Okay?".
There are a few areas after that where you could fix some things - but mostly more punctuation and spelling. You should run your story through a spelling and grammar checker, and that should take care of most of the mistakes. This story is mostly made up of dialogue - you should add more description of their surroundings and the characters and the way they are talking. Good luck with this, and keep writing. Feel free to PM me with any questions about this review, or if you want more reviews in the future.
--Heather
Your a new writer and your writing says that, though I don't know if it's supposed to be this way. Some of your statements were redundant or some words from sentences were. Like most of my reviewers say, you lacked imagery. I guess your point was to not give anything away but maybe you could be clearer. I know I lack descriptions too so I can't quite give you advice on that but I can say that you probably have a huge plot and hopefully an interesting one too. The first statement was very catchy and up until:
"Ready for another day of listening to those teachers lecture us again''
I hadn't lost any attention but from here onwards I felt a little out of...well contact with your story. Also remember to make it sound as realistic as possible probably I can't help with that idea but maybe mention why the boy decides to go into the car, if he has a hunch or something and a girl won't just kiss you all that of a sudden, that's just wishful thinking.
This sortof reminds me of Pendragon, maybe that might help you.
Hope my review helps.
wow i loved this! i was instantly hooked as soon as i read the first line. lol, loved it! do you have any more of this story?