I wear a fake smile,
surely fools you.
I can't mend this broken heart you left.
You killed me,
killed me to death.
I can't think.
I can't breathe.
I'm suffering of pain and agony.
My life has a body count,
each second is closer to my death bed.
Seem you don't care no more.
You got friends, so throw me to the curb.
How will you feel?
If you were deeply in love?
And broke every goddam promise.
Lie to hide what you feel.
Tell the truth, I care how much it hurts.
I love you dead.
So love me dead as well.
I can't give you up cause,
I'm already;
Emotionally Dead.
-I'm not sure if it's a good poem, not one of my best. :[
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
I love it!! *Gold Star*
I can't explain it, But this is just fantastic, The emotion, It's wonderfull.
It is a poem definitely about big love! Surely sometimes it brings us pain, but we mustn't;t forget that all in all love is a huge and sincere feeling! You haven't to be emotionally dead, you just have to put everything good to your memory and everything bad to the mess bin!))
Cheer up!
Te poem is great!
Elizabeth,
Perhaps it's not a bad effort put into this, but I feel that you need to utilize your space in words better than this. Try to avoid narrating emotions to us as such; instead, try to place poetic focus on something else -- move away from the degree of emotion in hurt and pain and whatever else you're speaking about - move it to an abstract or concrete image so that when you speak to us in your poems, you're giving us something much, much more than the words that are laid out before us.
Here, you have a very narrative structure -- not entirely a bad thing, but it's not exactly appreciative, because after we kill the line breaks, we're just left with so much as how you're feeling without any poetic device as focus or imagery or metaphor and such. Use this chance to parallel what you're feeling and channel it out in words that mean more than what you're saying to us, otherwise, as forgotten mentioned, is easily classified as emo poetry.
- June
I love that, sounds a little like emo poetry. Was that your target audience> My only points:
I really don't think this makes sense. Maybe you could try: 'You made my death come earlier, from fear and torture' or soemthing like that. Just a suggestion
Shouldn't that be 'threw'? Just something to point out, again
I think its a very good base for a poem, read back through it again and again, it could be so so much better!
Hi,
The anger in this poem comes across strongly and it flows nicely.
I think I'd try to make it more visual rather than internalizing it- maybe describe looking at this person who has hurt the speaker, describe how she acts.
I think the third stanza is the most powerful. I'd change "cause" to "because".
For the new draft, I'd write this out again and cross out everything that sounds like something you've heard before, e.g;
"fake smile,"
"can't mend this broken heart"
"I can't think.
I can't breathe"
"deeply in love".
Then I'd try bringing it out of the speaker's head and into their engagement with the world and others.Try bringing the senses in, e.g sound,touch, to give a more rounded view of the speaker's situation.
Hope this helps.
Jas