Advent Child; Death of a Major Player (Part 1)

An excerpt of my book two, first chapter. It's titled "Death of a Major Player." Wrote it late at night, so it needs some proofing eyes! May need a wee bit of back story for this story to make total sense (link in signature). PDF version downloadable at the bottom, as always.

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It stopped raining. They were in the middle of a park—one of Lower Town’s veiled entrances.

His flesh was an angry red where the threaded ropes viciously bit into his skin. Hands bound behind his back. Duct tape wrapped mercilessly around his mouth. His clothes were ripped, burned away by cigarette butts, or muddied from where he’d been kicked and shoved.

Two robed kidnappers held him upright, dangling the boy slightly off the ground by the scruff of his shirt.

On the opposite side of them was a bold faced woman, regal in appearance and mighty in presence. Her clothes and long flowing hair was unceremoniously plastered to her face. She’d obviously been waiting in the rain a long while.

Her eyes were lit up with murderous intent.

They probably tried to extract some information from him, she thought to herself, staring at the boy and his captors. Information about me…

“I didn’t think you’d show,” the one on the left mocked in a raspy yet distinctly female whisper, “risking your life just for this garbage? How unbefitting.” The kidnapper threw her prisoner into a growing puddle of muddy rainwater a few feet away.

It had just recently stopped raining, so the concrete was still waterlogged. The kid made a splash as he landed, struggling to clear his face of the murky water, despite his bindings. He was finally able to roll on his back, narrowly escaping drowning in a puddle.

“Electricity doesn’t do so well in the rain!” The kidnappers laughed with each other, as if they’d just discovered the funniest joke in the world.

That gave the kid the perfect opportunity to gaze into the woman’s eyes. He may have been bound and gagged, but they hadn’t blindfolded him. The woman’s murderous stare softened when her eyes met his. The boy stared back just as intently—into the eyes of his master, his guardian, his savior. He tried to express as much emotion as he could through his eyes to her.

Apology.

Grief.

Sorrow.

Finality.

He knew he was going to die here. He wouldn’t let her die, too. Not for someone as stupid and weak as me.

The woman caught his desperate look—the feelings pouring from his glistening azure blue eyes, and responded with a look all her own. A smirk, full of her resolve, her determination.

The boy closed his eyes and turned his head, breaking contact. Tears streamed down his cheeks, mixing with the muddy water on his face. She’s going to try and save me. He didn’t want to be saved. He really didn’t want to be saved. He knew what powers his master had… but he could also feel the raw power his captors had as well.

And so he silently willed her to disappear. To run away, and leave him to his fate alone.

Please don’t waste your time on me. Please save yourself. Leave me. He clenched his fists, hoping his thoughts would do the impossible by somehow reaching her. I don’t deserve your kindness. I’m not worth it. I’m not worth it!

Deep down he was kind of happy. Happy that such a powerful person had taken such a keen interest in him, when even his own family had shunned him, banishing him to walk the streets alone for the first six years of his life. Aurora found him and raised him. For the next ten years she cared for him like a son. She was the only person that had ever cared about how he felt, or what he was thinking. The only person that had ever treated him like a person, and not a piece of trash.

And he was about to repay her by getting her killed.

If he wasn’t gagged, he’d have yelled, screamed, shouted nasty things, anything to get her to leave him. But even if he had… she wouldn’t have budged. She’d still try her hardest to save him.

He peaked out at her out of the corner of his eye, as if he didn’t deserve to catch a glimpse of such a magnificent creature.

A god shouldn’t be treated like this!

It was truly a bittersweet moment.

The woman returned her eyes to the two enemies that stood to the boy’s left. Their laughter was dying down. Her eyes resumed their ominous glow, murder written all over her face.

“Ooh, scary,” the female kidnapper chuckled. “Oh! I get it! I know why you’re so mad!” She lowered her voice, as if she were telling someone a dirty secret. “Is this little brat your heir, Aurora?

Aurora took a step forward. “I can take you both. At once.”

The other kidnapper snorted. He was definitely male. “Really?” He removed his hood. “How about now?”

You!” Aurora hissed.

He grinned a yellow-toothed grin. “Hello cousin.

“You slimy bastard. You died!

“I almost did, yeah. Nice try back there in Paris though. It almost worked.” He walked over to Garic and squatted down on his haunches, pushing Garic’s face back into the mud. “And how’s your brother now days, hmm?” He asked, as if he were passing an old friend on the street, and not killing someone. “I hear someone kicked him one real good. Everyone around you is dying, Aurora. Why is that?”

“None of your business, Fiyre.” She muttered, clenching her fists.

“Ooh, she called you by your real name!” The other kidnapper snickered.

“Ah, good good. Sounds nice.” He nodded a few times, ignoring his partner. After a few moments he pulled Garic’s face out of the mud, by his hair. The boy was gasping desperately for breath, spitting out mud between sobs. Fiyre returned his attention to Aurora. “So. You think you can take two Apostles… at the same time, in a fight? Hah. Even for a god, that’s conceited. How do you wanna do this?”

Aurora grinned ferociously. “Like this.” She flashed to Garic’s side at the speed of light, right in the middle of the two Apostles. They each assumed fighting stances, bringing out their Landlords.

Aurora crouched low, calling to her very own Landlord, Erasmus. Instead of appearing as a staff, her Landlord came to her as a thirty-inch stainless steel African blackwood katana-style short sword, housed in a curly maple sheath. She grabbed it out of the air. There was a black and silver banner flowing from the edge of the blade, like a tail, with the name Aurora embossed in pearly white letters.

“Dual manifestation?” Fiyre asked. Aurora only leered in response, tapping the fallen Garic, who was now on his knees behind her, on the shoulder. All of his restraints fell to the ground or simply burned away into nothingness. Steam rose from his clothes in torrents, as the electricity instantly dried him. “Drop your weapon, Aurora,” Fiyre cooed, “You don’t wanna to do this.” The other kidnapper came to stand by his side.

[Continued in part two]

Comments & reviews · 5
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User avatar
Jetpack
Comment

Apologies, I was too lazy to point them out. Okay, let me show you one, because I don't like leaving things unfinished.

"None of your business, Fiyre." She muttered


In this case, you need to change that full stop into a comma, because "she muttered" is not the start of a new sentence. If it were, it wouldn't make sense, because the reader would be left wondering what she'd muttered at all. Therefore you don't capitalise "she" either, but leave it in lower case, as it's still part of the sentence.

Hope that clears things up a bit.

User avatar
Xunnamius
Comment

Wow. That was quick!
Thanks for the reviews, everyone. I love the nitpicks the most :lol:

The thing I see myself doing wrong with this one (I can see it best from asxz's review) is the lack of hindsight. I'll have retell the info for each of the characters, instead of (subconsciously) assuming everyone who reads this has already read the first book (totally my fault!)

I'll get right on it.

You consistently capitalise speech tags and use full stops where there should be commas, which is a common mistake, but nonetheless needs attention.

An example would be nice.(I found some examples in the second review.) I did a quick scan and couldn't find a prevalent example of what you mean. Perhaps it's just another personal preference?

Thanks again everyone!

User avatar
asxz
Review
asxz wrote a review · Sat Sep 19, 2009 8:41 pm

Okay,I shall review.
First, I liked this. Don't let me. Convince you otherwise in my review.
This should be in the fantasy fiction forums, because it has gods and strange other charaters in it. Another thing on that subject would be the characters themselves. I had absolutely no idea that they weren't human until the very end. That's not something that you want a reader to be unaware of. Also, I feel like the characters were described to me before the end, butas soon as I found out they were something else, they turned very flat. Try and work on this be describing that the harateds look like. This could be a description of the charaters face while she is unhooding herself.
Point two: how can a kid run around by himself for the first six years of his life? He's not able to talk, not able to walk for half of it. It doesn't work like that. You had better change it around a wee bit.
Another thing: you have no names until half way through this part, and then you introduce the boys name without any aknowledgement. I was Confused. Very.go back and change it please.
One last point: ( actually I just realized there were two) is that you had one sentence of conversation bwfore thebhapf way mark, and then it turns fully fledged, with whole paragraphs of it. Perhaps you should break up the talking with characters actions, which is something that you were very good at in the first half. Last point is that your conversation seems unbelievable. I don't know why, but something about the tone that I imagine they say it with and the words you have used. Just go back k and read over it to see if you can change it a bit.

ーはな

User avatar
Cotton
Review
Cotton wrote a review · Sat Sep 19, 2009 8:02 pm

Hey! Yay I get to be the first reviewer. *EDIT one minute out! Darn!*
Anyway, this was really good - an urban fantasy story that's original... wait, that's already been said :D Naah it was really really good! You clearly know who your characters are very well, and they were revealed at just the right pace through this first part. I also like the setting - very well described - and the fact that as a reader I don't yet really know what's going on. I love a good mystery!

Now I'm going to nitpick you, and they're going to be really nitpicky, because otherwise I'd have next to nothing to say. So here goes.


His flesh was an angry red where the threaded ropes viciously bit into his skin. Hands bound behind his back.

Given that the following sentence is similar to the second on here, I would suggest phrasing it like this: "His flesh was an angry red where the threaded ropes bit viciously into his skin; his hands were bound behind his back." (I also think "bit viciously" sounds better than "viciously bit" but that's just my opinion.)


“I didn’t think you’d show,” the one on the left mocked in a raspy yet distinctly female whisper, “risking your life just for this garbage? How unbefitting.”

I don't think these two sections of speech should run into each other the way you have them right now. I'd do it like this, since they lend themselves to being separate sentences: ""I didn't think you'd show," the one of the left mocked, in a raspy yet distinctly female whisper. "Risking your life just for this garbage? How unbefitting.""


The woman caught his desperate look—the feelings pouring from his glistening azure blue eyes, and responded with a look all her own.

I would have a dash and a comma here: "...from his glistening, azure-blue eyes,..." Maybe not the comma, but definitely the dash.


He knew what powers his master had… but he could also feel the raw power his captors had as well.

Something about the repetition of "had" in this sentence seems... wrong. Maybe something like this would sound better: "He knew what powers his master had... but he could also feel the raw power of his captors as well."


Aurora found him and raised him. For the next ten years she cared for him like a son.

Maybe, "Aurora had found him and raised him. Over the next ten years, she had cared for him like a son."


She flashed to Garic’s side at the speed of light, right in the middle of the two Apostles.

I don't think "in the middle of" works here... I think "right inbetween" would sound better, since there's only two of them.

See what I mean? Really nitpicky! But anyways, I loved your piece and as soon as I get some time I will be reviewing the next part!!
PM me if you have any questions or anything
~*cottonrulz*~

User avatar
Jetpack
Review
Jetpack wrote a review · Sat Sep 19, 2009 8:01 pm

Here as requested, but I notice this is book two? Clearly I haven't read book one, but I'll try my best with this. I didn't read the backstory, because I have a feeling I read it once before, and because plot isn't my strong point anyways.

Okay, nitpicks first.

Two robed kidnappers held him upright, dangling the boy slightly off the ground by the scruff of his shirt.


Couple of problems with this sentence. Firstly, "robed" is a very soft word for kidnappers. By soft, I mean that the "b" creates a cushion which is too comfortable for a situation as gritty as this. I'd suggest just going with "hooded". Similarly, the word "slightly" should be cut, because it's too picky for the situation.

On the opposite side of them was a bold faced woman


I'm not sure what you're trying to say here. What's "bold faced" supposed to mean?

The kidnappers laughed with each other, as if they’d just discovered the funniest joke in the world.


I don't like the second half of this sentence. It sounds quite immature and pretty unnecessary. I'd go with a description of the laughs rather than that.

shouted nasty things,


Again, this is too immature for the context. Cut the "nasty things".

He peaked out


This should be "peeked".

grinned a yellow-toothed grin.


I'm not sure I like the repetition of "grin". Don't know, might just be personal preference.

He walked over to Garic


I was a little confused here. I assume this is because I haven't read the first book, but you didn't take the time to introduce this character, at all. You just switched to using a name. I take it that his identity would be obvious if you'd read the first book, but even so, I don't think you should just randomly start calling him by name. You need to build it in to dialogue or something before you switch.

All of his restraints fell to the ground or simply burned away into nothingness.


Why didn't she do that earlier? Okay, that was a stupid point, but it did spring to mind, so I figured I'd better mention it.

That's it for the nitpicks. Now, I have one general point on your punctuation. Speech punctuation. Please do it correctly. You consistently capitalise speech tags and use full stops where there should be commas, which is a common mistake, but nonetheless needs attention. I would go through them with you, but it'll be better for you to go through and check, since it's good practice. Use this website and scroll down to number 5, which explains the basic rules of commas in direct speech. Go through it and apply it.

Aside from that, I have maybe one more point, and that's the use of "kidnappers". Don't overuse the word. It's a bit immature as it is, just because of the word itself, and the way it seems to feature prominently in cartoons. I know there aren't really synonyms, but go easy on it.

Anyway, that's about it. I wasn't much help, I know. I like your story, but I won't really be commenting on it, or on your characters, because I haven't read the first book. I'll stick to writing, if that's okay.

-Jet



There are darknesses in life and there are lights, and you are one of the lights, the light of all lights.
— Bram Stoker