Published February 3, 2010
Ok, so my emotions are out of whack and I'm pissed so I decided to write a really short poem. I know it's not very good.
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A thunder striking over me,
The life around me one big storm.
Always a few raindrops between friends,
I'm sure you know.
I feel the anger whipping about me,
It's like a dark wind.
Sinister venom laced within it,
Poisoning me forever.
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I like how short this is, because you managed to still make it powerful. You kind of mixed two metaphors towards the end though - perhaps the wind could be cold, even freezing, turning you to ice or something. The poison thing would be good if you had mentioned a drink, perhaps, but I'm not sure it works too well here. If you instead were to expand on the storm metaphor, it could make your poem even stronger. I particularly like your metaphor in the third line, saying how friends always have some kind of squabble or problem, right?
Cool poem. The imagry and language you have used goes really well with what your writing about. This was good. Write more!!
Hiya! Classy here to review.
This was the only line that that struck me as something I needed to comment on. I really want more on this. I have no idea what you are talking about, and I would really like to. I think you should spend more time relating this poem to your life.
All in all, this was cute. I liked how it was short. Just work on your showing instead of telling.
Classy