I have decided to put this out there this is my first story post please give me some direction here some nice advice also the little * mean footnote Footnotes are at the end please enjoy
Thoughts
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A young girl walked down the city streets her blue eyes darting side to side. Why did I stay late again? She scolded herself in her own head she looked down at her bracelet it was shining in the fading twilight. This is gonna get me killed around here. She thought as she pulled off her bracelet. Maybe im being overcautious? She looked around the trash packed streets of downtown L.A she could practically smell the stench of homeless people. Nope no im really not. She decided as she passed by and abandoned house she heard strained screams from inside the house. That will not be me, she promised herself, how wrong can one person be?
Suddenly there was a stunning girl leaning right in front of her gold ringlets cascaded over her left shoulder over ivory skin that looked almost to tight to be her own, a slight scowl played her beautiful features something was quiet off about her eyes they looked weird. The model looking woman sighed and started speaking.
“Êtes-vous ici pour elle?”* The words spilled out of her perfect mouth like liquid she was speaking in an odd language the girl couldn’t understand. “Suppose not” her expression changed from rapidly from warm honey like to shivery ice. Blue eyes locked with deep amethyst eyes.
“Who are you and what do you want?” The girl asked near hysterics angling her bag till it was behind her.
“Im not interested in your things, Leea” the model smiled slyly looking at the girl
“How do you know me?” The girl asked
“I don’t” the woman answered simply
“Then how do you know my name!?”
“Lucky guess”
“Bull crap! What do you want with me?”
“Your smart most people around here would die for me to know there names of course most of the people in the town are to drunk or drowned in selfless pity to understand who or what I Am.” she looked at Leea
“What are you?!”
“Not telling, but my name is Nicole” she sneered before she threw the poor girl into the screaming house with almost no effort.
“DAMN” a high soprano voice met Leeas ears as soon as she landed. She realized quickly why someone would scream in this house these was blood everywhere it was gory and gruesome heaps of dead things all over the place in the middle of the room was a girl no more that six-teen her own age sat in a blood covered dress in the middle of all the havoc of the slaughtered room. She looked in pain her dark hair looked wet but by further inspection Leea noticed it was soaked in blood she looked up just before Leea could touch her. The girls grey eyes blazing with fear and pain.
“I asked her not to” the beautiful voice sounded again
“What’s going on?”
The girl bent over her so her forehead was resting on the red concrete floor her hair fanned out like some sadistic sun surrounding the angel voiced demon. Leea heard a choking sound just before the girl screamed in an octave that hurt her sensitive ears. The dark halo of bloody hair was turning a stunning starlight silver color. Her head snapped up at an inhuman speed. Leea studied her carefully looking deep into her eyes one had turned the same Purple color as that girl- Nicole, the other was onyx deep as the night of the new moon it seemed to sparkle in the setting sun.
The girl stood and Leea could see for the first time what she really looked like. The girl was taller than herself by a few inches the bloodied dress clung to her delicate body almost like it was supposed to be there like art. The girl glided gracefully to Leea and spoke in her honey thick soprano voice.
“my name is Zell” she paused to gauge Leeas reaction “I didn’t do any of this” she motioned to the carnage around her “that was my sisters doing Nicole, you see she had a bit of a temper” she laughed icily for the first time Leea noticed a personality difference in the girl who was crying on the floor to this bewitching woman standing mere inches in front of her.
“What are you? The girl outside implied you aren’t normal” Leea asked finding her voice again.
“You haven’t figured it out yet?” Zell asked smiling sinisterly
“What do you mean?”
“Look around, unusual appearances shape shifting blood everywhere and of course the grace? And knowing your name it’s a little odd don’t you think?” she put her hand on her hip and looked at Leea her multi-colored eyes watching Leeas every move. While Leea just looked confused. “Any theory here?”
“Um supper girl, bat man?” Leea guessed
“We your obviously not as smart as you seem” Zell narrowed her eyes “think evil”
“I don’t know can you ju-” she cut her self off as zell grabbed her own head and howled in pain. Leea came to an answer. “vampire.” it wasn’t said as a question but as a fact
“Yes maybe you will be useful after all”
That was the last thing Leea heard before she fainted.
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thoughts?
“Êtes-vous ici pour elle?” - "are you here for it?(her)" in french Nicole was refering to Zell
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
There's a couple of things that confused me here.
You have a pretty good story going by the looks of it. I'm not usually one for vampire stories, but, considering that, I thought it was good. I really liked the detail about the girl having differently coloured eyes. I don't know if that's significant or not, but I like it. It's a nice little detail to put in.
For starters, I think you should proof read this, because there's many places that were confusing due to improper punctuation. I think you probably were just typing fast and didn't realise how many typos you had.
Also, how many girls were there in this scene? It was kind of confusing. There was Leea, Nicole, and Zell, but who had the soprano voice? Was it Nicole or Zell? Or was it someone else? I think you should make it a little clearer, because it's a little difficult to understand.
One last thing: Your beginning, well, it doesn't really make any sense whatsoever. Again, I think it's mostly punctuation issues that can be easily fixed.
Other than the errors, I think this is pretty good. The errors themselves wouldn't bug me that much, I suppose, but I'm just nitpick-y like that.
Keep writing!
-Sorceress