sailing on the rainbow of your dreams
I saw that which was not previously seen
amidst the mist of your make believe
through the tent of your ethereal screen
the clouds parted and there you were
in the throes of ascending far above
the misshaped confines of that unreal landscape
on your back a single wing
and I pondered aloud about this thing
your transformation, your destination
and sought you with an outstretched hand
unseeing you launched and at once had fled
confusion unleashed in your inner being
your ascent was mere descent to me it seemed
and utterly indecent of me not to pursue
for you the truth, the distant fiend
and meanwhile you eventually found yourself in a place
of uninhabited darkness inhabiting space
the very same space that your befuddled mind
sought refuge and repentance of a kind
and I seeking the origin of your thoughts
to see why you sought when all seemed lost
the truth you encountered akin to my reason
because I cared.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Thank you very much. You pointed out some very interesting things which I will change. The lack of capitalization with the "I"s was simply an oversight, I will change it at once. The part about the outstretched hand, I see what you mean, it also will be changed.
I'll consider changing "throes". You're right, it does mean the pang of emotion, which is actually the context I was using it in as it is up to debate whether there is an actual physical movement occurring here, as things have already been established as not in truth being what they appear to be. Evidenced with a "single wing" which as we know is inappropriate for true flight. I might well need to re-word it, thanks for noticing.
I see what you mean with the "descent" part. It does appear to be confusing. I had thought it was clear that the ascent and descent were psychological but rereading it I see that its not so clear after all. There are some things to be changed here.
Great! Glad you liked it and I'll implement changes now.
Firstly, this is a really good poem. You have a large vocabulary and are using it to your advantage rather than just randomly slamming words down that you think sound cool. I think it could definitely do with some tightening up, and I've given my suggestions below, although they're just suggestions and you don't have to follow them - but it certainly has potential. It's got nice imagery, although the message is slightly obscure and I'm still not quite sure what it's about! Still, it's interesting to have a poem you have to think about. I do want to comment on your lack of capitals, which is probably just a stylistic choice - but it does seem a bit strange to have lower case 'i's and it sort of distracts from the poem itself.