The morning had been glacial and dull as the sounds of a storm roared through the bare walls of a moderately large room. The area, illuminated only vaguely when lightning crackled in the sky, revealed a boy sitting in the center of a bare dusk oak floor. He stood and stepped toward the door that led outside, the tempest outside had harsh winds and arctic rain. Hand raised, he tapped the door before hastily recoiling, as though it wounded him painfully . Tears streamed down the spectral grey face of the boy as he stumbled back towards the centermost part of the room, where a sense of protection dwelled.
A piercing knock on the door echoed, around the room. It seemed to pick up rhythm as mumbled words followed. The boy refused make a move to answer it. The knocking grew ear-pounding louder and louder, as though someone were now trying to break the door down. The murmurs which eventually turn minutes to hours switching to shouts overtime. Though they couldn’t make it past the door. Only the deafening roar of the storm broke into the room, the boy turned back to the door. He moved to grab the handle, but the door burst open with out his effort; Just the open tortured air, torn with chaos, welcomed him.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,830 Reviews
I like it a lot. It is a nice story, and though you made it seem like it would end happily, it was depressing. I would like to know if the shouts were supposed to be the girl, or someone else. And why was the boy crying?
This was a good story, and I'm trying to figure out if it has a meaning. Don't tell me if there isn't one, I'll come up with my own.
The tone of the story was gentle, even though the boy was going through something not good. It had a bit of irony.
You did great with this story, and I did like it.
Thank you! Since you don't want to know the actual meaning behind this I can not tell you why the boy was crying. The shouts however were not suppose to be the girl, though not just some'one'.
I really like this good job
I try my best!
Hi! First off, I'd like to nitpick a bit, so here goes.
"He stood and stepped toward the door that led outside, the tempest outside had harsh winds and arctic rain." - I believe it'd be better if instead of using "outside" twice, you substituted second "outside" with "there". In my opinion the flow of your writing would get better, repetitions sometimes hurt the impression.
"The murmurs which eventually turn minutes to hours switching to shouts overtime." - I believe this is tough to follow on, dividing into two sentences could be better.
There were a few tough spots, but that'd be regarding your writing style. As the review before me pointed out, you have an interesting writing style, the only problem I could really find was the overload of details in a single sentence. Try dividing your descriptions in more sentences, giving the reader some time to take a breathe and actually understand in one go, not have to reread it word by word. It weren't even much the adjectives, but the verbs that hurt. I'm not telling you that you write bad, but I believe it'd be nice if you could try dividing sentences more and simplify the overload of verbs next to each other, making it easier for the reader, and thus maintaining his attention with interest. There were some grammar mistakes, but as Smily said, you should be able to see them upon a careful re-read. Good luck and have fun writing more
Interesting I shall look over it and check it some time.
This is... very good. There's something very soft and comforting about your writing style. It really breathes life into the setting and what you're writing about. I only found a few missing words and grammar mistakes, nothing too serious. A quick read-through and you'd pick them up. Very good piece of writing. One of my favorites. Keep it up!
Thanks, I shall see if I can't find the mistakes.