Where once I stood still
You made me dance like a vivacious ballerina
Where once I was on a verge of extinction
You made me replicate myself
Where once I was about to jump off the cliff
You made me fly like a carefree swallow
Where once I had lost my voice
You made my vocal chords work harder than ever
Where once I turned grey
You made me more colourful than VIBGYOR
Where once I became oblivious to all
You made me a walking talking encyclopaedia
Where once I became deaf
You made Mozart immortal for my ears
Where once I refused to smile
You made me chuckle endlessly
Where once everything had turned dark
You made my life brighter than sunshine
Where once sadness refused to leave me
You made me forget what it even was
Where once the aura of shallowness surrounded me
You made me realise I'd reached the zenith
Where once I merely existed
You made me feel live ......... to the infinity
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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129,695 Literary Works • 671,510 Reviews
Hello there, Luata here for a review of your piece. To being with, I'd like to say that writing about love is a rather ... mainstream topic and the tricky part is finding a new and unique way to present the same information, but don't feel bad, because I do the same thing.
Regardless, onward and upward with the review! Please take everything I have to say with a grain of salt because you're the author, not me.
First of all, I'd like to suggest that you separate your poem into stanzas. It would just help the poem read though smoother and give it a nice visual appeal. You also seem to have several distinct metaphors at a regular pace throughout your poem so those might be a good place for stanza split.
Secondly, it was a good poem, a nice sentiment to express. On the last line, however, use just three periods (also known as an ellipse), just because that's how it is usually done. The extra long line of periods makes it seem rather clunky
I look forward to seeing what else you have to bring to YWS!
~Luata
The way you described the love you feel and the way the person makes you feel is beautiful. The bravery to share it to the world is truly to be admired. Thank you for sharing your wonderful feelings and acknowledging the person. I hope your message can come through to the person and they can know your true feelings.