Brown Eyes

Hello there!

I like this poem.its narrates very well. I like that you are telling the story about someone else in this poem from the view of another person. It is all very well written. The tenses are great too.

An issue I have with it is the formattng.its a little funky. Maybe you can correct this by going back and giving some of the phrases single lines.

That's all I have to say. Nice work!

Hi, hope you learn something from this short review. Firstly, I liked this poem. I liked the descriptions you used for the (pretty) brown- eyed girl. I loved your starting and ending.

One thing that could use improvement are the grammar and spelling. Also, your punctuation is not very correct. I advise you to preview your work.

Another thing I liked was the way you portrayed the emotions.

Overall: A very nice work.

- Anshira; apple dumpling gang

Hey, Raven! It's Storm here for a quick review on your poem! Let's get started.

First of all, the formatting of this poem seems a bit daunting with such long phrases lacking indents, stanza spacing, and punctuation. Try cutting down the lines some, and that will definitely assist with the aesthetics.

Next up: the technical stuff.

... that will have you in an imediate trance ... Should be, "immediate". It's easy to miss that extra 'm' in there sometimes. No worries. Also, the same mistake is seen here: Your imediate thought ...

Just wishing,praying ... I believe you are lacking a space in between "wishing" and "praying".

... just a normal teenager,thinking ... Once again, an evident lack of spacing is present after the comma.

She cries herself to sleep,she ... Same slight error as mentioned above.

That's about it for this review. I hope this helps you out, Raven! As always: Write on!
---Stormsie

Hi, Raven! FireFox here to review your poem! I see you have no reviews on it yet, so let me be the first to do so!

Needs Improvement:
1. Grammar/spelling. This is a given. We all have grammar/spelling issues from time to time. I see quite a few grammar issues in this piece and only a few spelling issues, but this is nothing to worry about until you decide you have finished this piece entirely and wish to edit it one final time before you feel it is absolutely finished.

To give you an example:

"A girl who has hair as black as a dark soul and brown eyes that will have you in an imediate trance"

In that sentence, "imediate" should be spelled "immediate" and you did not include a period at the end of your sentence to complete the thought. But, if we want to really get technical, this is merely a fragment and not actually a sentence, as it is not a complete thought. See, just simple mistakes that can be easily corrected.

2. Some of the juxtapositions and similes in the piece could be more sophisticatedly worded. To use the same sentence as an example that I used above, perhaps you could change that sentence to: "A girl who has hair as black as a raven's chest and hypnotizing brown eyes." It means the same thing as what you have there, but it sounds more sophisticated and it is more descriptive, in my opinion.

3. Right now, we are left with the impression that "Brown Eyes" is just the typical emotional, woe-is-me, depressed teenager throwing herself a pity party. What is special about Brown Eyes? I, as the reader, want to see something about Brown Eyes that is different than others. I want to know why she feels this way and why she is so tortured. Is her mother a heavy drinker? Does her father have a violence problem? We, the readers, don't know what you, the writer, are thinking, so we don't understand why our MC is so tortured! Help us out!

All in all, this poem tells a long story in just a few words. I like that you used the name Brown Eyes instead of an actual name, as this tactic really seems to work in poetry. Additionally, I really think that there is a lot that you can do with this poem to make it even better and to make it a more powerful story! Keep it up!

-FireFox