A swift, slight touch
You turn to go
I reach for you
To make you slow
You face me again
With a sad, sweet face
And kiss me gently
My heart starts to race
You break away now
All too soon for me
And leap into darkness
Despite my sad pleas
I hear you land softly
With grace of a cat
And as you run away
I know
You won't be back
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey there, Spiral. I'm June, your critic for the moment.
I don't think you have quite delivered as much interest for your audience as you could have. Though the primary focus of this poem is a departure, your words center the attention on the actions taking place that are not the departing, if that makes any sense at all. You center attention on the minimal steps.
For that reason, this seems a bit like a scene that's being acted out. I do understand that it's a poem reflecting Edward and Bella's separation, but if you really want your poem to grab your audience, and make them feel sympathy for your character. You need emotion.
I don't mean to write out things like "I feel I could cry". Your words are just pretty boring here, the kind that are used to speak in everyday conversations. Find your poetic voice! Use words in ways that you normally wouldn't, explore new vocabulary, and dramatize this event so that it becomes more interesting than reading it in the book.
Good luck! Hope that helped some. If you've got any questions, send a message my way and I'll be more than glad to offer further assistance.
Best of luck,
June
I don't like twilight >.<... lol sorry. And if you want to not give names.. use fake ones =] it still works haha.
When, where, what??? And killing yourself, isn't that a bit dramatic?
And, also, good! You like Twilight, but I didn't know you liked it. I haven't seen where you said that you did.
Are you serious?
I SAID I LIKE TWILIGHT!!! *kills self*
Oh, sorry! I was recreating a poetic scene, the part where Edward leaves Bella in Twilight. I know alot of people don't have very high opinions of twilight, so i didn't mention the names, giving it a sort of anonymous feeling.
Either yo have a lot of approximate rhyme or I am just not seeing it.
Now then.
Whose leaving? Why? When? And how/why do you know this person isn't coming back?
Four questions I'd like to have answered.
You're rhythm was good. Description was above okay but not quite good since I had ***NOTHING*** to picture. I got your take on what had happened and I did like how you described that.
Keep writing. I like your work.
You did a great job especially with d part below....
....The rythm between face and race was cool, with such strong discreption of feeling and more rythm you will Shakespear