Ok, here it is, hope it's not as boring or an 'information dump' or maybe 'pointless'. I tried to give it purpose.
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"Stay here, with me, Jessica. Don't leave." My dad pleaded, hopeless and resigned already. He knew he couldn't change my mind, but that didn't stop him from begging "Please, don't go. There isn't a reason to. Really, I'm fine. Stay with me." I sighed. He sounded like a broken record, repeating the same words over and over until I could have said them with him.
"Why should I stay? It's only hurting you. I'm going." I said for the last time that day. My dad was constantly trying to make the money. Constantly trying to pay the bills- all the while raising money for my college fund. By the end of each day, when he came home at eleven at night, he was utterly exhausted. I couldn't stand to see him doing this for me, since I was old enough to get a job myself, but whenever I mentioned it, he would turn red and say
"I can take care of you myself. I will take care of this family." It had gotten old over the last three years, and now, I was finally old enough to move out. He wouldn't be able to force me to remain without a job. He would not be around me at all.
I was moving to Evansville, Indiana to live by myself. I had already reserved a tiny little rent house out in the forest for myself with my personal savings that I had acquired over the past few years by saving all money from the secret job I had kept at the fast food restaurant near our house.
"Goodbye, dad." I said blankly, trying to convince him that I was indifferent to our impending separation. Truthfully, I would miss him very much, but I couldn't let him know that. I looked almost exactly like him, with his spiky brown hair and fierce green eyes, and it would be hard not to miss the one person I had ever really identified with.
I turned away from him and walked across the apartment parking lot to my truck. Sighing, I turned to take one last look at the apartments where I had spent the last five years of my life, hoping to imprint this image into my memory. I then got into my car and drove away.
I drove for miles and miles, watching as the flat, treeless fields of Oklahoma slowly transform into the grassy hills and tree-covered expanses of Missouri. That was one thing I wouldn't miss- the landscaping of Oklahoma. Flat and boring, there wasn't much to see. I never had liked it there, with the lack of shade and uninteresting, leveled ground. It would be nice to get into the trees.
I hoped.
As I drove on, while trying to repress my growing hunger due to my shortage of food, I entertained myself by counting the rare puffs of shrubbery on the side of the road, until the greenery had thickened to the point where I could not tell them apart in the rapidly dissipating light. I eventually became too tired to possibly drive anymore. I pulled over on the side of the road, having been unable to find a better spot to stop, and went to sleep.
*****
Tossing and turning in my sleep, I was having trouble keeping a strangers' face from disrupting my dreams. I didn't know who it was, for I had never seen him before, but his wistful face had haunted my dreams since the day I had resolved to move to Evansville. Not a very happy memory. I wondered why...
Whoever it was, he seemed to want to keep my dreams from me. I would dream horrid dreams of falling, always falling, but just as it would come to the worst part, my painful death, his face would interrupt my sight. His wistful gray eyes and his sad face, they made me want to cry. But I knew I would wake up, and then I would forget the face within a few minutes
I woke suddenly, like someone had poured ice water on my face, and looked around me in a daze, the face still floating in front of my eyes.
As soon as I got my bearings, I was on the road again, heading towards my destination. My eyes would try to close, seeking more sleep, and I would shake my head sharply to make myself focus on the road. The last thing I needed was an accident. If that were to happen, my dad would never let me leave home again. If I survived.
I drove through the forest encrusted roads with ecstasy, enjoying the beauty of thick green nature, the thrill of speeding down a steep hill. I would definitely be happy here.
I looked up and smiled when I noticed there were gray clouds in the sky. It was going to rain. Oklahoma was in the middle of a drought, so it would be the first rain I had seen in a long time. I opened the windows and breathed in the smell of the forest, a crazed look in my eyes. That smell was going to take some getting used to.
Windows still down, I heard the rumble of the beginning of the storm, and felt the slight sprinkling drops of water on my face and arms. I let them drum me for a while, and then shut the window, humming a random tune. The hunger was unbearable now, and I also needed to get gas- it was almost to a quarter of a tank, and I didn't want to take chances.
Turning into the next gas station, I drove up, paid for gas to the unfriendly cash register, and then drove away with the flush of tired annoyance still on my face. I wondered briefly how my dad was doing, and quickly stopped that train of thought, because it would quickly lead in a painful way, and I tended to try to keep from causing myself pain. i had already to decide to drive in a dead-state all the way there.
Eating in the car as I drove, I relished the healthy, non-sugary taste of the generic corn flakes. Drinking the last of the milk, I nearly missed the fact that I had just passed the Indiana state line. Looking around eagerly, I searched for the right exit, and, driving along, I took exit after exit until I was driving up to my little house.
I was planning on turning the smaller bedroom into a study of sorts, and I had a few pieces of furniture in the back of my truck- a little table and two chairs, a wooden chest that had been my mothers, a three shelf bookshelf, and my twin size bed. I also had five hundred dollars in my pocket that my father had given me to help buy even more furniture, since, according to him, 'no house could be properly furnished by so little'. I wasn't exactly set, but I would live.
Once out of the truck, I strode to the door confidently and saw a note on the front door. It said 'Key in place for renter' and that was it. I checked by the edge of the door framing, then stretched up on my toes and felt around on the top of the door frame.
Was that something? Yes, cold metal. I slid it farther and farther towards the side with the tip of my finger until it slid off of the frame onto the concrete porch, then I reached down, picked it up, and unlocked the door.
The house was quaint, small, but big enough for me. I instantly loved it. Walking through the house, I noticed that all the walls were light, girly colors. Too bad- pastels disgusted me. My lip curled at the thought of living in such conditions. I would paint the house a series of neutrals.
The bedroom was as big as the living room, with a three foot walk-in closet- a bonus I hadn't expected- and a small desk. Well, that was convenient. I wouldn't have to spend any money on a desk, at least.
After examining a few other rooms, I had discovered several more free items, including a stove, and I made a mental note to try to match the gold curtains in the guest bedroom. Then, entering the bathroom, I froze in the doorway. I had seen the coloring of the rest of the house. How was it possible that this room was absolutely perfect? Dark green marble tiles covered the wall from the floor to eye level, and, above that, the wall was painted light gray with sponge painted webs continuing in a spidery design, with no particular pattern, across it in a darker gray. All the bathroom fixtures, from the mirror cabinet to the towel rods, were a light bronze metal. It was gorgeous.
Now that I had seen the house, I went out to my truck to get my things. I only had three bags, and my sparse amount of furniture, so it didn't take long to lug them all through the door into the living room. I left everything in a corner and looked around at the small jumble of things, then started to drag things into the correct rooms, organizing them to where they fit best. Then, I unpacked my bags and dispersed my clothing and books and things across the house.
With all the unpacking and arranging done in only around four hours, I was understandably exhausted. I had driven for hours, and carried a lot of heavy furniture all over the house, so I had good reason to be. I dragged my feet as I walked to my room, and nearly fell down on my bed. I closed my eyes and sleep took over at once.
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hey Dark Spiral!
I'll review this today!
To be honest, I liked it, your writing is pretty good. Unfortunately I haven't read the original, unedited piece so I can't really tell the difference. What I can say is that it was really well writen and your pace was really good, not too slow and no too fast so it's really good for a reader to follow.
It's nice how you set things up for the chapter and didn't overload us with useless information, so as far as this, I think the info dump part was over taken.
As for the pointless, that was improved too, I can see a point to the story. I think this is the kind of story that I'd like to read in a peaceful breezy day, because I like how you wrote it and your style is really interesting.
Just one thing that I think that you should look after, is that in many parts of the story you listed us actions as if you're listing items on a shopping list. try to improve that because that makes the story really boring and uninteresting. Why? Because it's leading the story anywhere and tells the reader absolutely nothing. So try to keep the story interesting and avoid that.
As for the dream part, it looks quite irrelevant although I think that in the chapters to come, it'll become a really important part. So why not get us interested in it, since now. What I am trying to say is that you should try to make that part fit into the story and make it sound big ever since the first time you mention it.
So that's all I can say and I hope there's more to come in the story.
Please keep me updated it in it.
Well hey there! Review time!
I thought the chapter was really good. I haven't read the original, so I definitely can't compare this one to the other one, but it doesn't matter. I didn't think it was utterly boring, or whatever it was you'd said had been told. I liked the train of thought; it was clear and didn't wander off into something totally not related.
I'm not sure what the fantasy part in this is, but I'm guessing it'll come along later, probably including the sad looking guy.
All in all, I really liked it. Keep it going, I'd like to read more...
PM when it's posted
Thanks Shaard, you have been a...relentless and untiring viewer of my work. You rarely have a negative comment, and are a constant encouragement. Thanks!
~ Spiral
Lol, I love it Spiral. I'm not going to attempt a nit-picky review, its nearly four in the morning and I am zoned out, all I want to say is awesome job, and please post more soon, because this story intrigues me. Enough so that I stayed up to read it, when I really should be sleeping right now! <3 keep writint!
~Shaard
P.S. Gold Star!