So this takes place in a Medieval time period and is really just me thinking about... Things which I will reveal later.
At the time of day
When all are home
Doors are shut
And streets abandoned
One person walks
Through waste filled streets
Through the stagnant valley
Of the great range of houses
They are a lonely one
Young and innocent
Graced with beauty
Cursed with folly
She wanders looking
For something new
A great untold story
Amid this rancid land
Out of the town
Of broken souls
And backs and bridges
To the forest where
Creatures stalk
A entrancing soliloquy
Comes to her ear,
So she looks for
The source of song.
A lone handsome man
Of dark robes
And pale circumstance
Mourns a fallen flower.
She harks his call
And walks to his side,
To see the broken petals.
He reminiscences of
Lost love and life
Romancing our girl
Of soft heart.
She answers with
Shame on those
Who destroy such
Natural tranquil beauty.
He notices her,
Surprised by
How alike they are
In heart and moral
She kneels to pay
Respects to the broken
Flower and looks to
Then lonely man.
He smiles and kisses
Her soft un-calloused hand
With grace and poise
Of a noble man.
She is flattered
Yet is sad
That she cannot stay
For duties call her back to town.
He insists to her
That she leave
The traitorous land
And come with him.
She hesitates
Before realizing
This is what she wanted,
Accepting his offer.
He takes her hand,
She closes her eyes,
And soon one less innocent
Is in the world.
Open to interperatation! Basicly me hating on the stupid girl-meets-kindhearted-guy-and-abandones-evil-town-or-place-or-something-and-gets-married. It's probably terrible but I want to work on it.
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137,425 Literary Works • 672,010 Reviews
Hello there and happy RevMo (even if I am a bit late to the reviewing party)! I, a bold Knight of the Green Room, am here today to review you.
With that said, first impressions first, I noticed that the lines of your poem are quite a bit spaced out, and it looks like you've run into a formatting snafu with the text editor. There are a few ways to fix this, and this article goes over multiple methods in-depth, though this one is also really good.
The poem overall felt a bit choppy as I was reading it as well due to how short the lines are, and I got the impression that you broke the lines up according to how they looked rather than how they read. While that's perfectly acceptable in a form poem, this piece doesn't appear to have any form that it is following, and so the line breaks feel a bit haphazard when it comes to how ideas and the words themselves when read aloud flow (or don't) between each other.
I would recommend playing around more with the placement of your line breaks, and there's a pretty comprehensive article on the topic of breaking lines and stanzas that I highly recommend you take a look at for ideas and some theory behind line and stanza breaks. There's also this article on punctuation in poetry that you might also find interesting.
This line stuck out to me like a sore thumb because within the next few lines, you specifically refer to the person as a she, which left me wondering why you didn't refer to her as "she" here. Ambiguity is fun and all, but this struck me as a case of being unnecessarily ambiguous.
Overall, I feel like you could make this poem a lot stronger if you played around with its structure a bit more, especially with regards to your line lengths. Adding in stanzas would also be something to consider, and you could use it to set off the twist to give it a bit more impact. Right now, visually, it just blends into the rest of the poem and thus winds up a bit lost.
Hey there! Shey here for a review!
Enjoy!
First, I'll start by welcoming you to the site! If you ever have any questions, you can ask any names in red or green.
Overall, nice piece. It was enjoyable, and successfully portrayed the message which it was meant to. However, as always, I have some comments. Let's jump right into them.
Firstly, I don't see the need for the author's note at the beginning. You don't need to tell us that this takes place in medieval times. You need to show us. And you did, for the most part. The boy wearing robes, him being described as noble. Your choice of description helps get this idea across. However, I want to see more. Maybe some descriptions about horse hooves, or trotting horses, since they're pretty medieval-y. Farming and smithing were also huge parts of medieval life, so I think that you maybe could add some of that to this too.
You say at the end that the piece is probably terrible, but I would disagree. It's not perfect, but no poem ever is. Easily my favorite part is the gently satirical voice of the piece. I do love me some sarcasm and satire, so this piece really resonated within me. Granted, I don't really have any thoughts on the topic you're teasing, but either way, I appreciate it.
Overall, great job! Keep up the great work, cause I look forward to seeing more from you!