Chapter One:
Do you believe in ghosts? If someone had asked me that a year ago my answer would’ve been an absolute NO. But now? Well, I’d be crazy to say no after the year I’ve had.
I was a normal girl with a normal life. I was born to very normal, boring parents. My mother was a veterinary assistant, and my father was a copy clerk at some office in the city. Now my mom runs the only animal hospital in town as the lead doctor and dad is a big shot CEO 3 states away. They divorced when I was 5 because dad made a special friend out of a female coworker. Dad married that coworker and had a new daughter and they're praised in business magazines as “The Perfect Family”. Mom married another one of dad’s coworkers, Ron, who was her knight in shining armor after dad left. Always bringing her flowers and being her shoulder to cry on. They got married after mom got pregnant with my little brother, Micheal. Mom likes to say we’re a happy blended family, but I beg to differ.
See, in my opinion, in a happy family the parents wouldn’t fight all the time, the siblings could get along and they’d be treated the same. In our family mom and Ron go at it like cats and dogs, Micheal is a pain in my backside AND he gets special treatment. Mom says that’s because he’s younger, but I know it really because she sees dad when she looks at me. A horrible reminder of her past. Now I know what happened with mom and dad wasn’t my fault. I’ve been told that by at least three therapists even though I’ve always known it wasn't my fault. I have a hazy memory of a fight they had right before the divorce. I was supposed to be sleeping but their screaming woke me up, so I came downstairs to see them in the kitchen. Mom was screaming about a girl saying it was dad’s fault. That’s all I heard before my little five-year-old brain got scared by the screaming and started crying. They stopped then and mom picked me up and took me back to my room. She laid in my bed with me and cried for a while till I fell asleep.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,796 Reviews
This story was a good start. I feel like you could've explained of at least linked what you meant at the start when you you asked "Do you believe in ghosts?" And why you believe in ghosts now, but seeing it was only a part of the first chapter you might have explained it later. I like the way used the term "special friend" because that's something that I feel like showed the innocence and naive nature of the 5 year old. I felt that it was really interesting how Micheal is the favorite because the Mom sees the Dad in the MC though I feel like you could've explained that more. Is it because the mc looks like the dad? Or acts like him? Overall, this was a great plot, keep it up!
This backstory is highly relatable to mine. My mom always saw my dad in me growing up as well. The internal problems with the protagonist are just a few to list in addition to the chaos between parental relationships and his bond with his brother. I could almost bet that something happens to bring the brothers closer. I can't wait to find out.
Hello!
I see multiple problems just starting off, but the subject matter is strong and i want it to be clear that I am pointing these out so you can fix the issues and make your story clearer, not to be mean to you or say you're a bad writer.
The first thing is that you didn't post the entire chapter at once. It can be tempting to just post whatever you have at the time to get feedback, but points aren't cheap, and to get 200 points you'd need to leave a review that is longer than the chapter-part you posted. If you just wanted feedback on this one passage, that's completely fine, but since you just joined today i thought i'd give you a heads up.
The second main issue is that you rely entirely on exposition. (which means when you explain lore, or story points directly) This is a problem a lot of beginner writers have when using the first person, which is why i recommend third person to new writers. The perspective character is, without a doubt, just telling us (the readers) and the audience (whoever she is in cannon telling the story to) about her life. But if she just directly tells it to us like it is in a converstation, then it isn't as interesting to read, and instead of being able to be immersed in the plot and story, we just feel like we are listening to someone gossip about their life/family/job.
First person, even when it is directed toward the audience in story, (if you would've asked me a year ago...) should feel like the Main Characters internal private thoughts, otherwise it break the immerson. To keep the framing scequence of 'main character telling life story' intact, the immerson can be occasionally broken. Like, in the emperor's new groove when kusco occasionally pauses the movie to interrupt.
There is also some grammar issues, and the text doesn't flow very well. There is also parts of the backstory revealed here that would be better to be revealed latter on in the story. Like her Dad's new daughter and family being so happy, and her walking in on her parents fighting.
-hope
(for example, this review got me 125 points)
Dang. This was very interesting and a good start to a chapter. The starting paragraph was very good. The backstory was also really good. Also, the 'writer' having two half siblings must be awkward.
I couldn't find anything to critique. This being written in first person is very neat. I tried writing my book in first person but gave up after the first chapter. Maybe you'll have a better chance at sticking with it and making it seem like 'writer' is writing this in a journal-like way.
I'm really interested to see how the believing in ghosts thing is going to play out. The family dynamic in this is also interesting and I wonder if 'writer' will have to contact her biological father in some way during the story. That would be interesting in my opinion.
But in the meantime, keep up the good work! I will be following you and seeing what you come up with for this story. Bye now!
Oh, thank you so much! I wrote this story before when I was 12, but I ended up losing the last chapter and had to toss it, so I decided to do it again just a little differently.