[You rise I fall.]

by Wulie

Published January 1, 2005

Another night, another day,
Tear stained sheets
I can't bear to change,
Why did you have to come?

My skin smothered with your scent,
My life a book written for you,
Everything I do dedicated to your every move,
You are my blood, my heart, my brain.

Angel eyes rub the salt into my weeping wounds,
I couldn't say no, oh how I tried,
I told myself to walk away,
But your hand met mine and I fell into you.

And I know oh I know this wont be the last time,
My heart forevermore under your spell,
Forcing myself to hate you,
But I just surrendor deeper in love.

Just want to rip you out from my body,
Scribbled these memories out,
Burn every inch of my heart that lives for you,
But I promised never to die for you...

--------------------------------------------------------------

not wonderful I know but hey gives you something to read does it not? come forth ad let the comments flow :)

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
bubblewrapped
Review
bubblewrapped wrote a review Review · Jan 28, 2005

I liked it. It was kind of...lyrical, lol which is why its in lyric poetry, obviously. I need to find that theasaurus. Anyway, you probably will look back and find it corny, as hawk said, but there's no guarantee that wont happen with the best of poems so...yknow...whatever. Not necessarily a bad thing.

Another night, another day,
Tear stained sheets,
I can't bare to change,
Why did you have to come?


This is good. I like it. It just needs a wee bit of polishing. "Another night, another day/[Of] tear-stained sheets[NO COMMA]/I cant [bear] to change."

My skin embraced with your scent,
My life a book written for you,
Everything I do dedicated to your every move,
You are my blood, my heart, my brain.


"Embraced" is the wrong word, I think. Otherwise, another good verse. I admire the rhythm you cultivate so easily.

Angel eyes rub the salt into my weeping wounds,
I couldn't say no, oh how I tried,
I told myself to walk away,
But your hand met mine I fell into you.


You need to put an 'and' between 'your hand met mind...[and] I fell into you".

And I know oh I know this wont be the last time,
My heart forever more under your spell,
Teaching myself to hate you,
But I just fall deeper in love.


'Forevermore' is one word. 'Teaching' isnt quite working. Needs to be something more context-specific...'Forcing myself to hate you' maybe. And repeating the 'fall' is kind of image-shattering. Try another word perhaps.

Just want to rip you out from my body,
Burn every inch of my heart that lives for you,
Sqribbled these memories out,
But I promised never to die for you...


I assume you mean 'scribbled'. The last line is awesome but it doesnt fit the third one. Either change the ending (which I wouldnt advise, since its so powerful) or change that second-to-last line.

Overall a great poem. As I said, I really admire your sense of rhythm. It runs smoothly, rather like a song. Keep it up 8)

User avatar
hawk
Comment
hawk commented Comment · Jan 28, 2005

I agree with faith, some nice lines. But you're probably going to look back at this one day and find it a little corny. I dunno, but poetry, especially about dependency, has to be trod on carefully.

User avatar
faith
Comment
faith commented Comment · Jan 1, 2005

you paint a vivid picture of infatuation. not terribly original but some elegant writing in there, some nice lines:

Angel eyes rub the salt into my weeping wounds



“Such nonsense!" declared Dr Greysteel. "Whoever heard of cats doing anything useful!" "Except for staring at one in a supercilious manner," said Strange. "That has a sort of moral usefulness, I suppose, in making one feel uncomfortable and encouraging sober reflection upon one's imperfections.”
— Susanna Clarke, Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell