I liked it. It was kind of...lyrical, lol which is why its in lyric poetry, obviously. I need to find that theasaurus. Anyway, you probably will look back and find it corny, as hawk said, but there's no guarantee that wont happen with the best of poems so...yknow...whatever. Not necessarily a bad thing.
Another night, another day,
Tear stained sheets,
I can't bare to change,
Why did you have to come?
This is good. I like it. It just needs a wee bit of polishing. "Another night, another day/[Of] tear-stained sheets[NO COMMA]/I cant [bear] to change."
My skin embraced with your scent,
My life a book written for you,
Everything I do dedicated to your every move,
You are my blood, my heart, my brain.
"Embraced" is the wrong word, I think. Otherwise, another good verse. I admire the rhythm you cultivate so easily.
Angel eyes rub the salt into my weeping wounds,
I couldn't say no, oh how I tried,
I told myself to walk away,
But your hand met mine I fell into you.
You need to put an 'and' between 'your hand met mind...[and] I fell into you".
And I know oh I know this wont be the last time,
My heart forever more under your spell,
Teaching myself to hate you,
But I just fall deeper in love.
'Forevermore' is one word. 'Teaching' isnt quite working. Needs to be something more context-specific...'Forcing myself to hate you' maybe. And repeating the 'fall' is kind of image-shattering. Try another word perhaps.
Just want to rip you out from my body,
Burn every inch of my heart that lives for you,
Sqribbled these memories out,
But I promised never to die for you...
I assume you mean 'scribbled'. The last line is awesome but it doesnt fit the third one. Either change the ending (which I wouldnt advise, since its so powerful) or change that second-to-last line.
Overall a great poem. As I said, I really admire your sense of rhythm. It runs smoothly, rather like a song. Keep it up
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