A million times better really it is 
! This begining is wonderful really captured me this time.
Music slides out
from under my brother’s door
I am going to start breathing faster
and take small steps until I am
far away
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Soy, notice the pronoun usage.
While it is intended to look at what my brother is, and then contemplating a life and the question, that if i were to be him, if i would have spent my childhood like he has, would Grant like me? However, the ambiguity of the poem is intentional. That's what poets do: play with your mind.
I love it. Excellent poem, love. Hang in there.
Interesting...very strange feelings I'm getting from this. Almost sexual but...your talking about your brother...not quite sure I understand where you're going. I like the schematics, although that second sometimes is a little teeth gnashing, the 'don't fall's are lovely. Still, not quite seeing where the end result is...
I have to say I liked this a lot. It was way, way better than the original. Although i thought the original was great...??? lol. I can so relate to this poem...I don't know why, it just makes sense to me.
I liked the repetition there, but didn't like "sometimes"
again, your repetition ony makes the poem stronger
When you use this in the middle and end, it really connects your poem...i love it
Um...that's not the real name for that is it? Hm...I dunna know...let me just leave that alone.
Well, I liked it except for all the times where you repeated yourself...a little annoying...even though I do that myself.
But overall, I liked it.
Yeh, that's much better, glad you decided to revise it.
So much better then the first one! See this was the magic I was talking about. I'm tired and meant to be working so it's hard to be constructive, but this was a great piece. It was interesting and reminded me a little bit of a Brian Pattern poem. I dunno why.