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[Needs a good title...]

by Wulie

Ok ok well I know I post to much but I have been commenting etc and I haven't posted much resently people are just replying to my old sutff :)! Erm I have written a poem in a different style to which I usually do so please give me your ideas!!!


Back to square one
Back to yearning for your smile
I love you and you won’t let it rest
You won’t let me grieve and forget
Always holding on
Chained up for a rainy day when she doesn’t want you
Scars waiting to rip open
Healed wounds sheltering in the shadows
Your head in my lap
Your tears seeping through my trousers
My heart in your hands
Your eyes dying with the pain
The cold air of disseat cradles
Our entwined limbs
I see your eyes
You are scared
I know this isn’t right
All I stand for shattered in your presence
The memories racing through my head
The hours of carving your name in to my skin
Forgotten as all I see is you
God only knows I wished some one would save me
Show me the path
Every where I look the laughing faces of confusion face me
I know I could never describe my pain
Though it’s not dissimilar to yours
Why do we spend our hours finding questions
But never the answers?
I wished I could finish this rant with an answer
A conclusion to my fear
But I know this will never end an on going battle
Who will win, who will crumble first
We live a game we live life…

Blame msn for not working it has made me write :)!
wu x

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137 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 137

Mon Feb 14, 2005 9:21 am
Wulie says...

Yeah i'm with you on that one, I jsut thought I'd give a different style a go 'cause every one says I do the same kind of style and its boring! I shall go over it make it more interesting.
wu x

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1258 Reviews

Points: 6090
Reviews: 1258

Mon Feb 14, 2005 2:07 am
Sam wrote a review...

It was a bit long for what it was, to tell the truth, Wu, but it was still pretty good. If you're going to keep this style though, you may want to jazz it up a bit. The first couple lines were really, really good but towards the middle you start to lose us, and you get to rambling. I have an abnormally short attention span, so you need to keep us interested!

I thought it was a pretty good poem, just needs some going over. :D


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72 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 72

Sat Feb 12, 2005 9:26 pm
A.O. Avalon wrote a review...

M'dear, this isn't so much a poem as it is a soliloquy. Or perhaps a monolouge sinced it is addressed to a second party? Either way, there's nothing wrong with having written a... dramatic speech. As a poem your piece isn't flowing very well... Add a little more to it, and make some lines longer and you've got an interesting section for a play/story/etc.

Your topic is more than somewhat cliche as well... Can you bring something new in to it, something that makes it fresh?

I know you wanted a title, but I'm going to suggest leaving this untitled and trying to make it part of something bigger. Cheers!!

I sleep with reckless abandon!
— Link Neal