They fly through the crisp evening sky in their air-born ship, following
the rays of the setting sun that peeks through the wispy clouds. The
tower in sight, the crew work their ways with smiles on their faces and
pats to their sore backs, just glad to be returning back home. All
around them are their companions in their own ships, screams and hollers
of pride and joy congratulating each other on their job-well done. Men
who have already done their jobs take a moment to take in the gorgeous
view around them, feeling lucky to be one of the few who get to live
here with their families, wives and kids alike. They get a sense of
protection here, a peaceful aura calming their troubled minds as soon as
it comes into sight. Aarondale has always been a peaceful Templar,
thanks to the isolation all around it. There have been little to no wars
near them, but who in their right mind would attack a magical source in
the first place? They have no need for guards or soldiers, each and
every resident has been carefully selected by their states of minds.
There are no thieves, gypsies, outlaws, or anything of that nature, and
it has been that way for over a hundred years. It was one of the last
peaceful places in this world, a perfect sanctuary for those of troubled
worries.
"Well, we're home James. We're finally home." He
says, placing a brotherly hand on his best friend's shoulder. The young
man nods his head with a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips,
his neutral colored eyes sparkling from the glory. He thought it'd never
end; the harsh weather, battles, and endless nights of working. Now, he
was finally back at the place he had never wanted to leave in the first
place.
"Nicolai, we need you on the quarter deck." A ship
mate informs, his eyes pleading permission to retrieve him from their
conversation. Nico follows after him, signaling a good-bye with a salute
to his friend. Now on his own, he scans the far-away grounds for any
unseen beauty, despite his long-term residency. Below he spies others
waving as they run alongside the shadows of the ships, their giggles and
hurrahs overfilling his ears. Not wanting to wait another minute to see
his family, he was glad to see that the docks were not too much
further, mates readying the wheels and anchors.
It was a gentle
landing, besides the rare bumps along the clearing. Groups of awaiting
families clap and weep of joy to see their beloved faces finally return,
not waiting for them to fully exit the ramp before jumping into their
arms, James' wife included. A little surprised from the attack, he
quickly wraps his arms around her waist, pulling her tightly against
himself. He couldn't help but let a tear escape down his cheek, hiding
his face away into her shaking shoulder.
"You have no idea
how long I have been waiting for this." She whimpers, slightly
tightening her grip as she takes in his soothing scent.
"You
and I both, love." Remembering where they had stopped to embrace, he
lightly lifts her body to move out of the way, catching a glimpse of his
yet-to-be seen baby. It had saddens him that he wasn't able to be
there for her when she went into labor, but he was more than happy to
finally be a father with the woman he loves. Letting go, he
immediately reaches for his little girl. His mother giggles past
her happy tears, giving up the baby to his son. He couldn't hold it
in any longer, once he saw her beautiful face and her hand wraps
around his finger, he melts into her love. He looks up to his wife with
a large smile on his face, waiting for the answer he has been anxiously
waiting to hear. She confirms with a nod, loving the smile he gave her
when he tests their daughter's name.
"Ana. Your name is
Ana." He can't help but look up to the sky, as if thanking the gods
for answering his prayer. He is finally home with his wife, adorable
baby girl, and his mother by his side.
He is finally home at last.
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hey. Sorry for the short review.
All around them are their companions in their own ships, screams and hollers of pride and joy congratulating each other on their job-well done.--This is a bit of an awkwardly stated sentence. I would recommend restating.
It's a simply stated story. I would recommend a bit more colorful or sophisticated language. I'm afraid I can't get into the story, but that's just because I'm not a fantasy-fan. It's nice and heart-felt, and you get a glimpse into the character's feelings.
Keep writing.
Hi WrittenEdge, I'm here to review!
This was a nice story. It was simple and easy to read.
I'm gonna go ahead and sound off on everyone else's suggestions that you could make this a bit longer. I feel like with all you've given us, you can definitely expand on this a bit more. Let us know more about the world! A bit more detail on the characters. That kind of stuff. Basically, elaborate. And one of the reviewers already pointed out some questions you could ask yourself and answer in your writing. Ask, "What else is there to this character/this world/this story?" And go from there!
Some grammar/punctuation mistakes. I'll point some out to you.
Run-on sentence. Replace the comma between backs and just, and create two sentences.
Punctuation error. "Well, we're home, James. We're finally home," he says, placing a brotherly hand on his best friend's shoulder.
I could keep going, but I think running this through a spell checker, or maybe pasting it onto Word and seeing what they come up with would be just as effective.
Your writing style is admirable. It was descriptive, and I felt it was a nice balance between descriptions and dialogue. The story was simple: a man returning home after a long journey. I enjoyed it a lot, and can't wait for more. Keep writing!
-comrie
Heya, Chrissy here for a review!
Well, first things first, I agree with the other reviewer. You need to write more. This is way too short. Everyone wants more! You can't just give us an awesome work like this and then make it so short. Please write more.
Okay, this is one big problem. This paragraph is too long. It needs to be at least two if not three separate paragraph. You need to break it up. Like this...
See? Just like that, or close to it, anyways. Large blocks of text are hard to read, so you should try your best to avoid them.
You need a comma between Home and James.
Okay, what is his name? Nicolai right? Would they really call him by his full name all the time? It's a bit long for everyday use. I'd suggest the ship mate calling him by the short, and you calling him by the full. That way is more realistic and we will still know his name. Btw, cool name.
Whimpers seems like a sound of fear. I'd suggest something like whispered.
Well, that's all I could find. You story was fun and enjoyable. I'll be looking forward to reviewing your next work.
KEEP WRITING!
I definitely plan on writing more for this eventually, so your review will come in handy! I'm glad you enjoyed it, as well. Thank you for reading it, as well as taking the time to point out what needs to be fixed!
This is beautifully written! The description is very vivid and really takes me away. The only suggestion I have is to make it a little more clear who you are talking about. I may be wrong, but this seems like a very small part of a much bigger story. Without the back story it lost me a little bit.
Thank you so much for even reading this! I get it, after reading it through again it does seem a little too vague. It makes it hard for the reader to really sympathize with the character without knowing the back story, I do agree.