Tension-A Novel Excerpt

I haven't used my catchphrase in a while now, so I'll start: interesting.

Something I'd like to mention briefly, because I thought it was actually quite helpful: I liked how you started out by describing everything that happened previously, or anything that would be relevant to the scene. Not because it helps the story, mind you, but because it might help reviewers in the future. There are tons of books out here that have chapters upon chapters, and they're not reviewed equally--it's difficult to review Chapter 34 of any book, and thus they usually waste away in the green room. It's the reason why I've stopped posting most of my books, but with this in consideration I might actually use it. Not what you intended, I'm sure, but just something I'd like to thank you for.

And I have a lot to thank you for. For one, this story actually sounds like something I'd read in a book (unfortunately online readings aren't exactly top-notch quality, so that's not really a compliment, but it's definitely commendable). And it exceeds that expectation quite a bit, though it does fall in some cases, but those cases are built entirely off the previously established lore (I'll explain later). For now, though, let's start in--

The Beginning

That stupid stupid Shade! The words were frigid and pounded through Leo's mind with every thrust of his sword. He knew that it wasn't a good idea to train with a temper, but Finn needed the work and Leo needed some way to cool off. As the two traveled across the deck in blade-whistling spins, he threw himself into the comforting repetition of sparring.

I had to reread the bolded statement a couple of times, and that's because it was rather confusing without a previously described background. After my third read, I imagined a pair of pirates fencing at the deck of a ship, the wind blowing in their hair, the salt water wafting in the air and waves cresting against the side of the ship. You may have had a background set up before this paragraph, I don't know, but I suggest you should--'travel' brings up wide and complicated imagery of long journeys, and I don't think it would fit with the quick, somewhat jumpy movement they might be making in this moment. I'm not sure what I would use as a replacement, but personally I think the word is a little too grandiose to be used without a proper grandiose scene behind it. Of course, that's my opinion, and it's a bit iffy at that.

The rest of the beginning, however imperfect, is actually quite nice. Minding the fact that you have to put a comma between 'stupid stupid', I actually quite liked it. It introduced us to the story, set up the three characters involved, immediately states where the conflict is, and actually has a good hook to capture our attention (that being the sword fight). It's not the perfect beginning, of course, and one could argue it isn't a beginning at all--it is after all just an excerpt from the middle of the book. However, I admire it nonetheless, and I think it's a good way to bring up the scene.

The Characters

Since I've started this system of reviewing (as in using bullet points to define certain elements, ie characters, plot, premise, etc.) I've never actually had to use the Character mark. That's mostly because a) I've only reviewed short stories when I adopted it (that's about ten or twenty reviews ago), and the short nature of short stories forces most writers to focus on one pillar of story alone, and that pillar of story is more often premise and plot, and b) If I ever find characters interesting to talk about, I swear to you, I go temporarily insane and end up writing eeeevverything.

So you have the honor of seeing me at my most figuratively psychotic. Congratulations.

Leo

I'm considering Leo the main character here, though as I see it Finn is most likely your book protagonist. I might be wrong, but that's usually the smarter idea in books like these; to reveal a fantastical world to the reader, it makes sense to have someone whose inexperienced as the protagonist, as it feels more natural for the audience to learn about the world alongside the protagonist. It's sort of a lazy device in my opinion, but I can't deny that it works. However, the other reason the protagonist is most probably inexperienced is because it leads to a fatal flaw in the protagonist, something they'll have to confront and resolve by the end of the story. This is why having a master protagonist sometimes feels unsatisfying, especially if the main conflict is centered around defeating something with skills they're already good at; there's no suspense. Of course the protagonist is going to win in the end, they've pretty much beaten everybody else in the beginning, haven't they?

However, I think in this case Leo can easily be the protagonist of the story as well, considering two things:

a) You don't seem to have a problem revealing the plot without using your characters as a pivot. It unfolds in third person, too, so the character doesn't need to learn alongside the reader, they can just know and let the reader learn for themselves,

b) Leo isn't a Master character. He doesn't have everything figured out just yet. He actually has a good conflict lingering within him, something that would make for an interesting story.

Let's get one thing out of the way: yes, I ship Kavi and Leo. Just based off of this excerpt, and nothing else, it very much seems like you're developing something between them. Of course, I know it would not be a happy pairing, and Kavi is probably the personification of the Devil, but you need to understand that I'm the guy who made the Devil fall in love with a nun once and has done worse ever since. I have a twisted view of things, is what I'm saying here.

But I do like how Leo handles his identity. He isn't stereotypically flamboyant, as expected, but he doesn't fall under the trap of overcompensating and becoming the signature of masculinity. He's just a normal person with normal urges, and he gets angry just like anybody else, especially when pressed on topics he clearly doesn't want to talk about.

He's pretty straightforward and all, but he wouldn't nearly be as interesting if it wasn't for--

Kavi

I'm not familiar with the Tamil language, but I've looked up names before to make cool references, and I get this one. Clever, clever (unless it's your native language). The meaning fits his personality, no doubt, and it's much catchier than Nilal (yes, I had to look that one up, don't worry). Well done.

But anyway! Ooh boy, do I like Kavi already. I'm very familiar with his type of character, mind you; informally I refer to it as the Trickster, and while yours is the most basic form of it, it's always just a bunch fun. I personally love this character because even when they're done badly, the Trickster character still provides conflict in a bright and funny way, thus usually becoming a saving grace for most bad books. However, they are notoriously difficult to do without sinking to Comical Villain or Anti-Hero, and even if they don't fall into that pit their power relies on withholding information, so the plot and the overall arc has to be well-developed for the Trickster to actually seem 'powerful'.

And you've basically committed to all those points in this case. I love how Kavi subtly-not-so-subtly drops hints of Leo's sexuality that Finn doesn't get (probably because he's young and that sort of thing just isn't allowed), and how a modern audience can immediately infer the seduction in the first lines (I'm assuming a modern audience accustomed to I'd Punch Your Face If It Wasn't So Pretty sexual tension). I'm of course wary, as he could easily be overpowered and gain no character development during the rest of the story, but here's the thing: that's okay for this type as long as he's a catalyst. The sort of person that urges the character to move forward, but isn't close enough to the story to warrant a personal character arc. See, since he's Finn's servant now though, I'm afraid he'll end up too close to the story, and you'll be forced to shift his character the more developed he gets. Because the Trickster doesn't have an expiration date so long as they aren't left out in the Sun--if the audience knows too much about them, as in their personal paths, the things that urged them forward, and especially their main motivation, they're no longer the "Oooh I'm Mysterious" character. You have to treat them as actual characters, and if treated badly it might cause villain decay, or at least makes the Trickster look 'weaker' than before.

But as of now, the dynamic between Kavi and Leo is interesting and provides great humor and conflict to the story. Not a lot of people are aware of this for some reason, but if you really want to develop your character, you toss in someone else and see how the dynamic goes. It's way better than just describing your character as 'the hero', or even making your character do things (such as saving a cat from a tree), because it builds two characters and at the very least the reader will be invested in one of them by the end (more often both though).

Which leads me to,

Finn

Thankfully, there isn't much to talk about when referring to Finn, as he has few lines of dialogue and his personality doesn't exactly shine through. Which may or may not be a bad thing, as most likely you want him as at least your tritagonist. It's fine to have a couple of weak characters in a novel, but generally you want someone as important as Finn to stick out a bit, make a scene and have a little more personality. His personality may be passive, but his role by default cannot be (unless you're making something akin to a Kafka).

"Alright, but what do you mean by that?"

What I mean is he can be shy, but that doesn't mean he isn't responsible for his actions. His inaction must be held with just as much consideration as his action. He cannot be the victim forever--if he does something stupid, he must suffer for it and the story must look down on the character for it. He must take responsibility for whoever he is or whatever he's done, because that's how conflict is made and that's how a good story is born.

I mention this because I often see writers who get the basic idea of how a hero has to 'mess up', but doesn't get that the story has to acknowledge that the hero 'messes up' too. The story gives the protagonist excuses ("They're just a teenager" "Oh they're just clumsy" "Well it's really the villain's fault") because they wrongly think that this'll make the protagonist more likeable and relatable, which isn't realistic. Not only does it make the protagonist into an "It's-Never-My-Fault" character, it also makes them a victim rather than an active player, something not advised (especially if you want a satisfying happy ending). Since Leo blamed Kavi for Finn's admittedly stupid deal, I'm afraid this might be the case here, but I have enough confidence in your character development that this probably isn't the case. I just thought it'd be good to mention, as it's very important that you put Finn in a suitably active role that doesn't detract from his personality.

Logic in Story

This is also a new one, but I'll keep it relatively quick as I also have the story to talk about:

a) Is this setting realistic-fantastical or just plain fantastical? Because if it's realistic-fantastical (a fantasy based off real events), it's interesting how you make both main characters young lads, more likely teenagers than adults, and while I have no doubt there were teenage pirates I'm not sure how much the audience will have to suspend their disbelief to understand that. What I'm saying is that it's not something people will immediately get behind I imagine--if you haven't already, consider explaining both their histories and how they got into this position at such an early age, as it'll lessen the shock.

b) Are all Shades all-knowing? You compared them to demons, so if so, are they more likely an expy of demons? That's not a criticism, I'm just interested to know.

And with that out of the way,

The Story

This'll mostly be full of praise and some advice that you probably already know, so you can skip this part if you'd like.

Based off what you've given me, I can tell that your story has a lot of potential, and basically has a set-up that shouldn't be difficult to connect. To get all literary up in here, we have your External Conflict being how Kavi is probably going to ask for something horrible if Finn gets his wish, and Leo's going to have to find a way to cushion the damage. Your Internal Conflict is the fact that Leo is a homosexual, and Kavi is slowly bringing that to light because he's just that kind of character.

These two can go multiple routes on their own, but at some point you must realize that you'll have to resolve both of them, and not in the normal fashion. In most satisfying cases, the Internal Conflict (IC) and the External Conflict (EC) will either:

A) Be solutions of one another in the end (To defeat Voldemort, the EC, Harry Potter learns to use love as his advantage, the IC)

B) Be hindrances to one another, most likely leading to a plot twist or a return to status quo (Batman doesn't kill the EC Joker because his IC necessitates that he can't kill anybody),

I don't know if you can have both, it's very late at night and I'm not sure if there's any examples of that happening. But basically, those are generally your options, and you'll forgive me if I forsake my critical tendencies and say that if I'm right and if those are your two conflicts, you have a good story in your hands. It could go either way really, but generally, either way can lead to a cool ending (not one I'm going to tell you about, because I've probably already made a fool of myself by guessing the conflicts wrong).

But what I love most about the story is not how it stands on its plot, but how it stands on its characters and its dynamics. I've already gushed about them in the character section, but as pillars and devices their functions are clear and they act very smoothly so far. I know you may be hesitant of posting more, but it'd be interesting what else you have in store for all of these characters.

Humbly,

--Elliot.