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Ten Kids Chapter 1

by WritingIsFun


Annie

Annie ran a hand through her straight black hair. She had blue eyes, and braces. Annie is ten and handles the family when parents are at work. Annie was an adopted kid and worked hard to make everything work out for the family. She was always kind to Nellie, her little sister. And she thinks about others more than herself. She is helpful to her mother and very honest. Mom says that she is a very good example for the littler kids.

***

“Annie check, Bailey check, Calandra check, Danny check, Eden check, Ferdinand check, Galaxy, Infinity, and Imagine check, and little Nellie is staying with me. Are we all ready?” Annie sighed and was about to say yes when her little brother, Danny said,

“Yup, we are all here and accounted for. Know what is this big surprise you were going to tell us?” Every nodded in agreement and looked straight at Mom.

“Well, me and your father are very happy and want to tell you that we are going to move to a-” Annie broke into the conversation before Mom finished.

“WHAT?! We can’t move, our life depends on this apartment building! We have lived here since you adopted me. I’m not moving.” All the other kids looked at her in surprise. She had never argued with Mom before.

“I am sorry dear, but me and your Dad have already talked about this and we are going to move to the country. You know that me and Dad have always been country people, what’s the change? When you were little you talked about how much you liked the country. Now you don’t like it?” She sighed, turned and walked out of the room.

Later in the day Dad came into mine, Calandra’s(or Candy), and Eden’s room. “Annie, Candy, Eden, we are moving no matter what. I am sorry that you don’t like the idea but all the boys want to move. We will live on a farm and have cows and sheep. We will also have turkeys and goats, and even some horses. Eden do you like chickens? Because we will have chickens and even a donkey. Life on the farm will be fun.” He left the room giving each of us a kiss. I lay in my bed thinking about the farm. Tomorrow we were supposed to move. I sighed and waited for the long day to come.

***

Next day we were all ready to move. I checked the closet one more time and then went down the hall to the elevator. Our house was big but we still needed a bigger one. We all piled into the car. As Dad started the engine the Bradburn kids ran over to us. “Nellie wait you can’t leave without saying goodbye! We are your best friends, and all you are thinking about is when can we leave? You really need to come down here and say goodbye.” Nellie got out of the car followed by Ferdinand who had seen Billy Blunt coming up the road. Galaxy, Infinity, and Imagine all got out of the car because they saw some kids playing ball.

“Dad, I have to go to the bathroom.” Danny said. “I need to badly!” Danny was struggling to get his seat belt off and peed in his pants instead. “I peed in my pants!” yelled a happy Danny. “Now it’s squishy and wet!”. Mom got out of the car and grabbed a new pair of pants from their suitcase. Bob came by and Bailey got out of the car. Candy got out of the car too because it now smelled of Danny pee. Eden almost barfed because of the smell. She was the neat one and hated to see or hear or smell bad things.

“Ewww!” She screamed. “Danny why didn’t you hold it in?” She glared at him but stopped when she saw Kenna walking down the road. “Kenna! I need to say goodbye to you before we leave.” Annie slumped down in her seat as Bob looked at her and smiled. Bob had a crush on her and she knew it. Everyone teased her about it so she tried to act like he didn’t exist. She was only ten, Dad said that she wasn’t allowed to date ever. Annie was happy about that because she didn’t intend to get married. She didn’t want to have kids, and she didn’t want to date or KISS! She hated the thought, it was gross.

“Kids time to get back in the car, it’s been half an hour already we are wasting time. Dad smiled and then all the kids piled back into the car. “Good, now let's hit the road!” Annie was already in the car and didn’t need to say goodbye to anyone. No liked her that much. Only Bob liked her, not as a friend as ‘oh you are so pretty and all I think about is you.’ that kind of like. Bob wasn’t a friend for her, he was kind of… well he wasn’t a friend. Jackie walked by and banged on our car window. “Annie! Can I come with you guys? Where are you going? Vacation?” she motioned to the back of our car where it was piled high with suitcases and bins. Our moving van was behind us and Jackie didn’t seem to see. “Come on let me go, I can pack a bag for a week! But it looks like you guys are going for a year!” Finally she noticed the moving van and gasped. “YOU WERE GOING TO MOVE WITHOUT TELLING YOUR BEST FRIEND! You need to start telling me these things! I am your best friend, and Jan was telling me she was going to miss you, and all, and that she was going to come by soon. There she is now!” Jackie pointed to the road and could see Jan running as fast as she could to catch up with us.

“Annie you can’t leave now. I just moved here and you are my only friend. I will die if you move. The kids at school will be so mean! I need you, I NEED YOU!” Annie had never ever seen a ten year old act like this.

“Jan calm down, I will visit if I can. And get this, I don’t want to move either, but this is what my parents want. And I am going to listen to them with all my heart. No you can’t come. Bye I will miss you all, well maybe not Bob. Bye I will miss you all!” Our car drove off, Jackie and Jan were waving frantically. She was going to miss them and her school. 


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16 Reviews


Points: 478
Reviews: 16

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Mon Mar 09, 2020 10:14 pm
ThePenultimateGinger wrote a review...



ThePenultimateGinger here with a review!
Let's start out with the nice things: I really like how you opened up with a quick rundown on the main character, Annie. Some people prefer to scatter information about the MC throughout their writing, but for shorter, informal works like this, I find it nice to get a bit of information about the character before jumping into things! :) I also like the title; it's straight to the point and lets the reader know exactly what they're going to read about, which is, ten kids.

Now for some things that could use a bit of improvement: In your first descriptive paragraph, there are some tense issues. You can't seem to make up your mind whether Annie is a "present" character or a "past" character, which can confuse the reader. Along with the first paragraph, I noticed some other tense issues throughout the piece, but with the intro you really wanna make an impact on the reader! Another issue I noticed with the first part is the whole "Annie ran a hand through her straight black hair" thing. I would take that part off of your intro entirely and move it to the first main "story" sentence if that makes sense? It just doesn't fit into the less storytelling voice of Annie's description. Other than some more formating issues, I think you have some solid characters and a good start to a story!
Keep writing and have a good day! :D




WritingIsFun says...


sorry I hope you don't mind,
but I have hit kind of a stage were I can't write this book anymore.





Don%u2019t worry about it. Happens to the best of us! It%u2019s a natural part of writing :)



WritingIsFun says...


thanks! Oh and what does Don%u2019t mean? And also what does It%u2019s mean?



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35 Reviews


Points: 2159
Reviews: 35

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Mon Mar 09, 2020 7:36 pm
HomelessPorcupine wrote a review...



Hi Amazon Explorer!

First off, I like that this first chapter started off right away with conflict. The parents want to move, but Annie doesn't. Then I like how the conflict continued, and how it was exaggerated. All the parents want to do is leave, but then chaos erupts as people go out to talk to friends and Danny pees his pants!

One other thing that I liked quite a bit is that I could feel for Annie. I moved around a lot when I was a kid, and I had similar feelings of being lonely and not wanting to move. Also, I totally get the 'we're not really friends, you just have a crush on me' feeling.

One suggestion that I have is for your first paragraph right below the title, the one where you are giving the reader a description of Annie. Instead of putting a paragraph with her description at the beginning, a fun activity could be to find a way to take the descriptions in that paragraph and try to fit them into the part where you are telling the story. That way we can learn more about how Annie looks and behaves while we are having a good time reading about all of the conflict that is going on!

Thanks for the chapter!
HP





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