Published September 2, 2006
“What is it?” Rayan asked with a hint of disgust. Corrode lowered his head. The ground was littered with burnt fragments of gray stones and weeds protruded from the overturned cobblestones. But towering in the middle of the debris was a tower, crumbling, but standing with vines creeping up its grim face. Rayan stepped forward carefully, grimacing as she took care to avoid the sharp weeds. The sky was gray and cast shadows over the ground, an austere wind rustling the leaves of nearby trees.
“It’s… the tower of Queen Daras…” Corrode answered quietly in an uneasy voice, staring at the ground as he followed her. When he looked up, he glimpsed Rayan staring at his face in concern and looked past her and toward the great tower
“Why do you like it here?” Rayan said incredulously, wrinkling her nose. Corrode was crestfallen that she did not find the scene encouraging as he did.
Corrode drew a deep breath before speaking in a faint voice. “There used to be a castle here, but it was burned to the ground. They destroyed everything, but this tower is still standing.” Corrode’s eyes lit with a rare hope and almost joy as he stared up at the tower. “Everything around it has fallen and it’s crumbling, but it’s still standing.”
Rayan cast him a confused look. “But… it’s just a pile of stones.” She walked over to the tower and peeled away a few of the vines. She plucked a loose rock from the tower, dust and ash hissing as they fell from the hole the rock had left. Rayan held the rock in her palm. “Right?”
Corrode’s face fell and he lowered his eyes in a bitter disappointment. “I suppose so…” he murmured defeatedly.
“Do you come here often?” Rayan inquired, noticing Corrode’s downcast expression and hoping her smile would wipe it away. It didn’t.
“Yes,” Corrode answered shortly. Rayan was his best friend and Rayan said the personification of his life, his last hope was only a pile of rocks. She must be right. She was always right.
~
This is a bit of dialogue that I found in all my word files. I polished it up a little, but it still seems... hollow. Especially the last few lines. Any suggestions on how I can state that more powerfully?
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140,552 Literary Works • 673,425 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...this is an interesting start. As far as random dialogue goes this does have sort of captivating effect there with this mysterious tower being mentioned and especially with how it apparently has something to do with a queen. There is something about that which does spark some interesting right here, so let's see where this is headed.
Alright, we've got ourselves some interesting emotions being displayed here. I love to see that. You're really tapping into the sort of people these characters are and how they feel about this place. I think that really adds on nicely although some of the description do feel a touch too heavy, like you've perhaps tried to describe their actions a tiny bit too much so I would be careful there.
Oh that's a very hard hitting ending right there. You certainly get a feeling for quite how disappointed he is and what seemed like just
a difference of opinion really feels so much stronger now. Well...I think you've definitely upped the ante there, it sells this a lot stronger and hmm as far as dialogue I think it does a pretty solid job here honestly. You could perhaps try and add a bit more and maybe how disappointed Corrode is through a few more lines, but honestly a bit of silence does the same job rather effectively too, so as it stands, this is quite solid.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I quite liked this though I'd agree with Snoink on giving Corrode a bit more actions to show his feelings.
I did get a lonely feel from this, so good job if you wanted that reaction.
Well, for being more of an excerpt more than anything, I’ll see what I can do with it.
Sharp weeds? Do they have thorns or something? Seemed a little odd to me.
As to how to make the dialog better, I’m not really sure. The only thing I can think of is that standing on its own, the conversation seems rather meaningless. Put in the context of a developed plot, and it will likely sound better all on its own. Like I said, with what’s there, it seems pretty meaningless. I don’t mean to be mean or anything, but that was the only thing that came to mind.
Yay! I get to [s]slaughter[/s] critique WD's stuff!
Forgive me if this sounds like a hit-and-run critique...
Too many stones in that sentence, no?
And too many towers in that. PLUS, how can you have a tower towering and crumbling at the same time? Look at your verbs and be a little more specific on how describe this tower. It's important.
You have just told us that he is crestfallen. Okay. So what does he do about it? You see, we, as the faithful readers, don't care whether he's crestfallen or not. He might as well be purple. You can stick in any adjective you want, and we would have the same feeling. Now show us what he does. Does he appear to be angry? Sad? Frustrated? Crestfallen?
Good. Now, what does he do when he's angry, sad, frustrated, or crestfallen? Does he sing? Dance? Laugh nervously? Throw a brick into his best friend's head? You see, it's what he does that will help us understand him better. By knowing how he reacts to things, we get a better idea of his character and that is good. He's the star of the show -- let him shine.
A rare hope? What does that look like, pray tell? I think less description would be better, and maybe "Corrode's eyes gleamed as he stared up at the tower." Quicker and more to the point, no?
Too many verbs that end in -ed. Mix it up a bit so that it looks sexy.
The word "defeatedly" defeats your sentence and makes this whole part seem not as good as it is. Delete it.
She's his best friend and she just noticed how glum he is. So why don't you describe what she sees that makes her realize how glum he is? It can't just be his downcast expression... he murmurs and he's probably giving multiple clues to how he's feeling. Tell us.
The reason why this part falls flat is because you didn't make Corrode a real character. That is, he was hollow, so this part, which is amazingly well written, seems hollow as well. Once you change the rest of it, describing Corrode's character a bit better, it should run a lot more smoothly. ^_^
Good stuff!
I liked it. I'm not good at critiqueing but as far as I can tell I don't see any grammatical errors in it.
I don't know, I rather liked it. It certainly had feeling in it (including the last lines). I'm not sure how I'd improve it (but then, I was never much good at critiquing
).