CHAPTER ONE
It was a very cold evening on the deck of that luxurious cruise ship. At last, everything happened according to plan- the Gueverra High School batch 2004-2005's reunion gathering.
Gray Guevarra, the man wearing a white polo with its long sleeves rolled up to his elbow, owned the cruise ship and expected that it would be a wild reunion with 300 guests. But his expectations didn't happen. Only seventy-one of the guests came and all of them were not just their batchmates but their classmates.
Although the number of guests were few, they still enjoyed the party. They created a lot of chattering noise inside the cruise ship, in the ballroom. The others would be seen dancing, some were on their chairs and talked about their lives.
Actually, Gray didn't like organizing gatherings. The idea was not really from him but from their class' president- Antonia Heyes. She contacted Gray and asked for his help in organizing this event. Gray didn't want to but Jamar Krisper, Antonia's boyfriend since their high school years, begged Gray to help Antonia. He had no choice because Gray pitied Jamar at that time. It only took them two weeks to plan this cruise ship party. Conducting the plan was easy when you had a lot of money to waste like Gray, who took responsibility of all the expenses that needed to be paid for this. Antonia decided that since the party would be held in a cruise ship, maybe the theme should be formal or semi-formal.
During the high school years, Gray could still remember how he looked like. He was very masculine in built and changed hairstyles- straight, short, spiky, etc. Gray also had that bad boy image- cutting classes, smoking cigarettes, bringing alcoholic drinks in school. He was sent to the office of prefect discipline for a million of times although sometimes, it was not really his fault but he was just trying to cover up his friends. He didn't really enjoyed his high school year at Guevarra High because of his vices, but he got along very well with the people there. Suddenly, Linda Crusoro's image appeared on his mind.
She had been his very last girlfriend, since they broke up he didn't have any intimate relationship with anyone else. Or was it because he just got too busy for that? Gray didn't want to think more about it.
Gray walked out of the ballroom and went to the deck of the ship. He rested his arms over the white-painted metal rails and breathed in some fresh air.
It was very cold, he could feel the icy wind as it hit his face. His eyes stared at the dark sea. Maybe the ship had cruised its way far enough from the city.
He could not see any citylights wherever he tried to look.
He sighed and lowered down his head. After a long minute of silence, Gray head some footsteps. He was sure that it was a lady walking closer to where he was because of the difference between the sound of a man's leather shoes and a lady's high heels.
"Hey," a feminine voice said as he felt her fingers tapping his shoulder, "do you know where I can sleep-"
She stopped talking when Gray turned around to look at her. He saw the sexiest woman alive, wearing a black knee-length, semi-formal cocktail dress that fitted her beautifully-curved body. The dress had a very teasing slit in the middle of her chest exposing half of her cleavage.
The woman also had a long, beautiful red hair in curly locks. She looked different now, but her eyes still looked the same. It was very Linda Crusoro.
Linda recovered from her shock, her red-tinted lips opened to speak but Gray interrupted her.
"Lind?" he said with a grin.
She looked brave than the last time they've met. Linda shook her head slightly as she raised the corner of her lips, showing off the sexiest grin she has.
It was only Gray who called her Lind.
"So," she tiptoed to mussle his hair, "what's with with the blond hairdo, huh?"
Gray quickly shook his head, avoiding it from her hand. He used to have a red-dyed hair, now it was blond-dyed. It was just he was fascinated in changing his hairstyle, and hair color.
"None of your business, Miss Red Hair," he grinned. "Where's your black hair, huh?"
Linda ran her fingers down to her hair. "Well, you know that I love varieties. So, I changed my hair color. I've been red-haired for years now."
"Really, huh?" he smiled, finally. Gray didn't know why he suddenly felt happy at this moment. He was actually bored at the party, a reason why he decided to leave the people at the ballroom to be alone.
"Well, since this is your own ship," she said, placing her hands on her hips, "would you mind tell me where the bedrooms are?"
"Why?"
"I'm already sleepy," Linda sighed.
"Sleepy?" he chuckled. "This is supposed to be an overnight party. Tomorrow, we're going back to our homes, businesses, and we might won't meet again. You should mingle with our classmates there."
"Why don't you do that yourself? I already met everybody in there, except you that I met just now."
"I was hiding, isn't it obvious?" he joked.
"Hiding from me?" she joked back.
"Yes."
"And why?"
"Because I might won't be able to control myself to drag you in my room and-" Gray decided not to tell the next phrase. He was beginning to tell what he really felt doing right now.
Linda giggled. She already had the picture in her mind yet, she was thinking that it was still a part of his joke. It was pretty strange how they could talk casually like this. They had a very tragic break-up.
Very tragic for Linda, and she knew that Gray was not really hurt by that break-up. But she didn't know that Gray had been hurt as well. Joking her was Gray's way to cover up the pain that still lingered in his heart.
Years could not easily wash away the pain.
"So, where can I sleep?" she asked.
Before Gray could speak, two men suddenly appeared behind Linda.
"Linda!" they chorused. It was Gale and Larry. Those boys had a crush on Linda since high school, and it looked like they still wanted her. Who could resist the new improved Linda Crusoro? If she looked beautiful on a simple school uniform, she looked very tempting on a sexy cocktail dress.
"Oh, man!" Linda groaned as she turned to face them. "How did you guys find me in here?"
"I could smell your perfume in here," Gale said as he quickly lounged forward. Linda was lucky to have a fast instincts. She quickly turned her head, making Gale' kiss land on her right cheek.
Larry pulled him away and they began quarreling.
"You shouldn't have done that, Gale!"
"You're just envious!"
"You're forgetting how to respect a lady!"
"She wasn't angry."
Linda turned to look at Gray and ask him to rescue her from these men, but he was already gone.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
hahaha!
Hello there!
Hmm. The first line is not very catchy, it's actually quite common we see in some short stories. And as much as possible, try getting rid of those adjectives that doesn't help the sentence to flow better. It makes your prose weak and the story bland.
This sentence is very long. Cut it into two.
I suggest that you slash off the highlighted phrase. It's a bit redundant.
The weather being cold, you already said that before. Look at at the first sentences. So there's no reason for you to describe it again.
"heard"?
That's it for the nitpicks. Onwards.
#0000FF ">~
Looking on the whole story, I think this has potential. The characters, settings and the atmosphere is very realistic. The changing of your character's hair is quite a highlight in here. Nonetheless, I enjoyed reading this. However, there are some things that we need to tackle about.
Let's go to the technical part. Grammar wise, you need to reread your story again. Some parts or dialogs are clunky and forced. Anyways, your punctuations , spellings and verb tense are good. ^^
Their reactions are okay though the connection between Linda and Gray is quite a blur. Sure, they shared a special relationship before, but we need more details to support as to how they broke up and etc. And 2004-2005? They still seem pretty young to have a high school reunion. Unless they're currently alive in 2020, then that's forgivable. But the reality? They are only 23 to 25 years old here, shouldn't they be like 35 or 40 years of age if ever they're going to host a reunion? Maybe change it to class 1995 or something like that.
And about your prose, it needs to be a lot of stronger. You tend to rely mostly on adjectives and adverbs, which isn't kind of a good thing because the reader craves more of your descriptions, the ones that results from showing and not telling. I'm not saying adjectives aren't good, though they help the writer's job in depicting the atmosphere, they aren't just enough. Let's take a good look of your introductory line.
So you want your readers to feel that they're in a cruise ship? This is okay but very bland. It's cold, yes, but you need to build more the atmosphere. You can start by showing how the cold wind gives shiver down his spine or goosebumps. Or how he rubs both of his hands for warmth. You can also compliment the beautiful lights reflecting on the sea. Or the moon. There are so many things to attract better your reader's attention. Think outside the box because simple things like that makes your prose stronger and livelier. ^^
Next. Characters. We need more informations but I don't mean to say that by dumping all details in one chapter, no. What I mean is that you show us Gray changed throughout his years. How his feelings changed for Linda. I mean this is all about the reunion. Oh and by the way, Linda. She's mysterious, I like that. Suspense, eh? However, isn't awkward that she attends the reunion and feel sleepy afterwards?
Overall, I like this but it could have been written better. The flow is good but sometimes it gets a little bit distracted. Let me know if you have any questions.
Keep writing,
Yuri