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Young Writers Society



King of Pirates, Queen of Soul 1

by WriterMajorInRomance


Spoiler! :
Had this edited with the help of Subzerodemon's review. Thank you!

CHAPTER ONE

Seven years ago..

Analia was a sixteen-year-old, senior, high school student. She still possessed the beauty she had since birth. Her face looked younger, yet everyone could see that she was slowly developing womanly features. From the curves of her body to her taste in fashion. Tomorrow would be the senior class' Prom night, and although Analia knew that her major crush- Riley Meneses, a famous Chess player- would not attend, she still decided to come. Her friends would be in that party, and she didn't want to miss anything just because of Riley's absence.

She was wearing a complete school uniform as she sat on her chair. Analia flipped though the pages of her notebook when her best friend, Micheline, who was a bookworm, sat beside her. Micheline was petite, and slightly chubby with a black, flat, and layered hair that reached her shoulders. The girl said, "You're going to the Prom night?"

Analia nodded, put down her notebook, and looked at one of her best friends. They were actually a gang, not the gang that you always heard that were roaming the streets and looking for war, but a group- a circle of best friends. Analia had five best friends: Micheline, Marsha, Valeria, Racheline, and Jade.

"I'm not coming," Micheline said.

"Why? It's our last Prom night before we graduate high school!"

"You know that I don't like parties like that. I don't like slow dances with boys-"

Analia knew it. Micheline attended the Prom night last year, and just danced once. Take note, she danced with her gay best friend.

"-and we don't have enough money for the dress," Micheline continued.

Analia sighed. Suddenly, Micheline changed her mood. She was now a lot cheerful, and smiling. Maybe, it was because she really didn't like talking about the Prom night.

"Anyway, you know Jesse, right?" she said, starting a new topic.

Yes, Analia knew Jesse. Who wouldn't know Jesse Picadiso? He was their classmate. Jesse was always absent in their class, but he always excelled when they had their periodic exams. Jesse was already twenty-three, yet still a senior high school student. He was handsome in some angles, that was Analia's opinion about his looks. About the attitude? It would just make her shake her head. He was a little annoying.

"What about him?" Analia managed to speak at last.

"He's my seat mate, y'know," she narrated happily, "and I heard Pristine teasing him. She asked Jesse what he's going to do, because Ariel also likes you and it'll be a competition."

"What did he say?"

"He said that, the day that Ariel liked you is also the day that he began to want dying," she chuckled.

Analia rolled her eyes. How could Jesse speak like that! As if he would really kill Ariel to end the competition.

Maybe, he could.

She already heard a lot about Jesse. Even about his past girlfriend, Salome, who was also their classmate. He only took her for granted. Broke her heart. Took her virginity, and left her. It was very frightening for a woman to experience something like that.

On the other hand, Jesse was walking inside the classroom when he saw Analia, talking to Micheline. He sighed, and saw Micheline's stare at him. Jesse sent her a message by the look in his eye. He moved his head, giving Micheline a signal to leave Analia. The girl obeyed. How lucky he was. Jesse gave people a different vibe every time he arrives. It was his full of authority persona, that made people respect and fear him too.

As Micheline had left, Jesse quickly sat beside Analia. She ignored him- out of irritation. And fear.

"Analia," he spoke gently.

"Yes?" she said staring at her notebook, pretending to read although her eyes weren't reading anything. Her full attention was focused on Jesse.

"Can we dance at the Prom night?"

Analia gulped, thinking what she could say.

"Well," Analia managed to speak at last, "it's up to you."

"Then, we'll dance tomorrow."

Jesse stood up, and left. She sighed deeply as she raised her head. It was just a dance, wasn't it? A dance with Jesse won't hurt.

Unless, something different would happen.


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Points: 1040
Reviews: 3

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Mon Apr 18, 2011 4:14 am
HonoriaHayden wrote a review...



Hello again!
I liked how you kept this short and simple. There wasn't too much information to keep in mind and there was a certain air to it. I know I probably sound crazy of hell saying that, but it did. It was short and simple and sweet. Keep it up!

Honoria Hayden




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21 Reviews


Points: 2109
Reviews: 21

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Thu Apr 14, 2011 9:30 pm
Zyphlid wrote a review...



Ello Major! I've come to review your piece as you can plainly see. :P So let me give you the works on how I review so you understand as I pick through your piece. Grammar/word corrections are in #FF0000 ">red, the original in italics. Questions/suggestions are in #0000FF ">blue, the original in bold. And things I liked in general in #00BF00 ">green! Don't feel up set though if there isn't any green. It does NOT mean I didn't like the piece. :]


CHAPTER ONE

Seven years ago..

Analia was a sixteen-year-old #FF0000 ">comma senior #FF0000 ">in/comma high school student.


Tomorrow would be their#0000FF ">Maybe you should say her or the senior class' Prom night,


although Analia knew that her major crush- Riley Meneses, a famous Chess player, #FF0000 ">should be a dash here, not a comma would not attend


The girl said, "You're coming #FF0000 ">going unless it's the Prom day then it should stay the same and 'night' should be 'tonight' to the Prom night?"


They were actually a gang, not the gang that we #0000FF ">I think this should be 'you' always heard that were roaming the streets and looking for war,


"Why? It's our last Prom night before we graduate high school? #FF0000 ">should be either a period or exclamation mark"


About the attitude? It would just make her shook #FF0000 ">shake her head.


Pristine was their female classmate, running for valedictorian.#0000FF "><--I don't think this should be here or it should be moved some where else instead of cutting into dialog.


She ignored him- out of irritation, and fear #FF0000 ">Period And fear.


"Yes?" she said staring at her notebook, pretending to read although her eyes wasn't#FF0000 "> weren't reading anything.


Besides these errors, the piece was quite nice. Some polishing up and a few things added here and there, more on description, wouldn't hurt every so often. But don't let that stop you from working more on the piece! Keep it up and don't give up on the idea. :]





If you want something badly, you just gotta believe it's gonna work out.
— Andy, Parks & Rec