TO BE HEARD
Pen, paper, person, GO.
Think up ten different ways to change the scope
Of what you write, how you see the world
Learn to scream, and learn to be heard!
--
Cause there will be days when you won’t be
Pushed down under paper piles, people piles, people’s smiles
The weight of what you know resting on your shoulders
And- the weight of their bodies resting like boulders
--
Poem, stage, throat, GO.
Think about how you can change the world, not how it needs changing
How your words can push and pull and feel amazing- so
Learn to scream, and learn to be heard!
--
Cause there will be a day when you might be,
Pushed up over people piles, political files, people’s smiles
You can make a crowd roar their approval and change their ways- so
Learn to scream, and learn- to- be- heard!
*
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,826 Reviews
Hey, AJ here for a review!
I really like this idea! It's different, but still interesting. Just a couple things...
- "And- the weight of their bodies resting like boulders" I think the dash here is unnecessary. It just pauses the reader for no real reason
- "How your words can push and pull and feel amazing- so" Just a suggestion, but for the sake of the flow, would the "so" sound right in front of the "amazing"? I feel like that line is too short
- Be cautious of your punctuation at the end of each line. I would suggest pulling out each sentence and making sure the punctuation is correct.
- "learn- to- be- heard!" The dashes here are also awkward
Overall, I think this was a good poem! These are just little, picky details. Keep on writing and Happy Review Day!
-AJ
Thank you so much for the advice! The dashes are a thing I use to indicate the rhythm when I perform my stuff, and I think you're right about taking them out for reading purposes. Ditto for the "- so" bit. I agree on the punctuation, I know it's my weak spot. Thanks so much for the advice! Thea
Hey there! Shey here for a review!
), but I would definitely suggest emboldening throughout the entire piece.
I'm really loving this piece. It has a clear, pleasant message, and a well designed delivery. Overall, the piece is extremely well-crafted.
My biggest dislike with this piece is definitely the emboldening. Don't get me wrong; emboldening is a good thing, and I've got nothing against you doing it. However, the weird part about it in this particular instance is that you lack consistency. I find it very odd that only the last half of the poem contains these emboldened, accented words. Yes, this is highly nitpicky (nitpicking is something I only do on really great pieces
Why am I getting so hung up on this bold incident? Well, you did a beautiful job of repetition, repeating lines to emphasize and make them memorable. However, by emboldening different words each time it's repeated, you lose some of the magnificence of the repetition. The message stops hitting home, because now, rather than "I've seen this before, so it must be important, and I should remember this", it's "This changed from before, so the original couldn't have been too important, and thus this can't be either". Of course, this is all subconscious, making it actually even scarier. The subconscious mind is a poet's greatest friend and for.
Overall, however, this was a fabulous piece. The format, delivery, choice of accent, everything was well-crafted. You have an obvious knack for poetry, and it shows. Keep up the awesome work, cause I really look forward to seeing more from you!
Hi Shey, Thanks for reviewing my piece! I'm glad you liked it
. The emboldening in my poem is a thing I do to help indicate the beat/emphasis when I'm performing it and I really need to remember to take it out. Ditto for the majority of the dashes. I need to edit more thoroughly and more specifically to my audience. Thanks so much for the advice! Is there anything else you would do?
Thea
Ah, that makes more sense. No, that's all I've got for you comment-wise. Good luck writing!
Hi, Shane here for a quick review!
Overall, I really liked this poem. It portrays a clear message, while still being entertaining and energetic.
For the sake of my sanity (gotta love OCD) I'm going to start at the beginning of the poem and work my way down.
The first stanza flows pretty well, the only thing is adding periods at the end of each (individual) though.
I found the second stanza to be a bit awkward. The phrase "paper piles, people piles..." is redundant. The rhyme scheme is there, when you use the word "smile" a bit later, but, as I said, using "piles" twice isn't the best idea. Also, I found the use of "cause" rather than "because" affected the flow, making things a tad awkward, I suppose.
As for the third stanza, I give you props on the repetition. It's well placed. I think that the "so" sitting all by itself isn't needed; I'd consider deleting it.
And, finally, the forth stanza. Again, the word "cause" is a little problematic. In comparison to the second line in the second stanza, I found the second line in this stanza was kind of confusing. The wording was changed ever so slightly, so, as a fellow writer, I tried to connect the two lines with repetition, but couldn't due to the word change.
Oh, and one last thing. Regarding the poem as a whole, I thought the dashes stuck out. They're placed awkwardly.
All in all, this was a fantastic piece! Keep writing, and remember, the things I mentioned are suggestions, not musts.
Happy Review Day!
-
Shane