[pre]The land of Stryda is as vast and diverse as the people occupying it. In the north lies Stryda’s only forest, Fredon, and the home of the Gorlangs, descendents of birds but far superior and more mysterious. In the south is the frigid ice wasteland of Polent. There resides Dewyrs, ice mermaids, and Styours, ice spirits. The country of Alsci is the green and fertile land of humans, masters of Science and spirit sorcery. The rulers of this vast world are the elves who reside on the Siretree islands. They are the superior and dominant race in mind, body, and spirit. But within the barren desert of Jor Kly are the banished people, Vangrates, demon like creatures who feast on blood, spirits, and life. All they now is how to feast and they were banished to Jor Kly by every race with a hope they destroyed each other in their blind hunger. But they evolved instead. They bred for food and nobility. They have armies of hellions and a master that controls them all, Sarvin Kly. He was bred for the sole purpose of global domination, what else. He’s half elf half Vangrate, part intelligence and inhuman strength part bloodthirsty demon without and mercy or soul. Their plan has been set in motion, their dream is becoming a reality.[/pre]
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
I think (like everyone else) that this is a huge info-dump. Two bad things about that->
1. This is so short a prologue, and that is so much information, that we, the readers, can't even absorb it.
2. It doesn't show us what you as the writer can do. I haven't seen any of your style, and it doesn't make me want to read the story because I have no idea what quality I'd be getting.
This first sentence is boring; it is common and generic. Your first sentence should be intriguing; it should pull me in. This doesn't. Make it less "info-like" and give it some life.
There you go. I hope that helps.
Update!
To all who replied to my post, thank you for your input, I really appreciated it. I would also like to add that I will be putting the first chapter up here eventually but I've changed the story from the initial prologue. Some elements will remain but I'm taking a different approach. Again thank you!
This is more like a synopsis of a novel than a real story. It is info-dump. I really can't see any way to fix it, but I think as a real story it might do good. I'd read it. However, this is not even an introduction to a novel, and therefore I suggest you start writing an actual plotline out of this.
PM for help!
Interesting. Your prologue promises a fascinating and intriguing story. There isn't much to comment on, but I mostly agree with the other reviewers. The setting could use more description, since you are telling, not showing. There are also numerous grammatical errors throughout this piece, especially in the second half. I also noticed that you switch to past tense halfway through. I would suggest turning the whole piece into past tense, since it sounds better. I will point out the errors/typos I found:
I suggest adding "which is" to the begining, and cutting out "and".
This is a run-on sentence. Try adding a period after "Fredon", and then getting rid of the and.
put a the before ice mermaids, and before ice spirits.
In this last part it seems very rushed, like you wrote it in a hurry. You switch tenses repeatedly, and there are also a few mistakes:
"what else." should be "what else?". You need a "and" after strength. I would also consider getting rid of the comma after motion, and exchange it with an "and"
Anyway, those were all I could find. I hope that this review helps you improve your story when you edit, since you have a interesting idea. Let me know if you decide to post part2
I agree with kitty15, it was info-dumping, and much too short. But I like the sound of the creatures, especially the ice mermaids. I'd like to see more of them.
You also have an interesting plotline so far. Keep writing!
In general, this is a bit of an info dump, even for a prologue and it's also very short so why not split some of that information up with description and the like to make it a little easier to take in. Also, you had a few typos -
All they know is how to feast and they were banished to Jor Kly by every race with a hope they destroyed each other in their blind hunger.
He’s half elf half Vangrate, part intelligence and inhuman strength part bloodthirsty demon and without [s]and[/s] mercy or soul.
Overall, sounds like an interesting story but be careful not to give too much away in the prologue.