Preview Of My New Book "I Love You" Which Is About A Guy And A Girl Who Love Each Other But He Lives In North Carolina And She Lives In Kansas. Their Names Will Not Be Said Until I Have Finished Writing The Next Chapter. In The Preview Part, It's Her Letter To Him About Why He Should Pick Her Instead Of His Girlfriend As He Has Just Asked Her What's Wrong. Read And Comment And Tell Me What You Think!!!(:
My Sweet ________,
Fine. I’m done fighting it. I can’t just shove it back and wait for something to happen. I’m done pretending that you’re just my best friend. Because it’s a lie. I’m not saying this to fight for you. This isn’t even close to me fighting for you. If I wanted to fight for you I would but I hate drama so there is no way on earth I will fight for you. No offense. All I’m doing is giving you reasons why I should be the one you choose. She’s great, I know, but sometimes that’s just not enough. If the words “I love you” mean anything to you than I’ll say them. Because that’s what my heart is bleeding with. Love. I don’t know if any of what I’m saying means anything to you but it means everything to me. I love you for you and that’s the bitter truth. I fought it at first because I didn’t want to believe it’s true but I can’t fight it now. So choose me and love me. I can’t promise anything but my love. Because I’m tired of waiting on somebody who has the same feelings. She can’t love you like I could. If you choose me I promise you won’t regret it. I love you. I don’t care what people think, if they want to be jealous then let them be. All that says about them is that they wish they were us. So choose me. I’m not asking for anything but a chance to prove one thing. I love you.
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141,376 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm....well this promises to be a bit of a love triangle situation here, and those always tend to get quite interesting, so well, this is already sounding like it could get pretty exciting here.
Right off the bat, we have ourselves this very interesting letter that the second girl in the situation is sending the boy..and well, this letter is certainly interesting. It seems oddly assertive, like I can see this is definitely written from a place of very strong feelings, but also, it seems oddly like this girl here is all but ordering this boy to chose her. As much as she denies fighting for his love, this is very much a fighting letter right here...words are far more powerful that weapons sometimes, and this letter backs that claim up.
I feel like if you want this to come off as a girl just professing her love to this boy and imploring him to make his own choice, it should focus solely on the girl and her love, and not mention anyone else or why she's better, cause that implies a competition which contradicts her main point about not wanting to fight...soo..think about that one for a bit there. At any rate, still a very interesting start here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
You have a strong beginning. I like how this screams in the reader's face. It's assertive, and it grabs one's attention immediately.
It gets a bit redundant here. You're constantly saying the same thing over and over again through a series of sentences. It's a bit cliche too..
This sentence, again, very assertive. However, it feels somewhat cliche.
I feel that this sentence could be constructed better to provide the reader with a clearer meaning.
I don't like this part. It feels fake, not genuine. There are no personal touches. You've only scratched the surface of their relationship
Since when did the guy know that she felt this way about him? I thought this was a confession letter, one that was finally breaking the news of her undying, un-suppressible love?
It's not really a choice as much as it is as a change of mind. I feel that the MC should be begging for him to change her mind.
Overall, this whole letter just strikes me as cliche. Many of the sentences you've written sound like random mopey love pop songs about brokenhearted couples you hear on the radio. The whole concept of your novel is a bit cliche too, and how does this girl even have this love for him when she lives so far apart from each other? There must be other boys. It's okay to have a cliche plot, but if you develop your characters in such a way, you can have an audience that doesn't feel like throwing up from all the gooey love. You need to personalize this letter. Perhaps this boy is unhappy with his relationship and his girlfriend is mean to him.
Here are some questions to ask yourself:
-How did they meet?
-What is the relationship between the boy and his girlfriend like?
-Why is it so important that the main character be together with this boy?
-Why won't any of the other boys in her town do?
-What makes each of them unique?
-How are the girl and the boy (the MCs) communicating with each other on a regular basis?
-Does the boy have any feelings for said girl?
-How much does the boy love the girl and his girlfriend?
-Why now? What made the girl realize she needed to tell the boy how she feels?
I hope this helped. I'm a bit sleep-deprived, caffinated, and cold at the moment. So, hopefully most of these sentences made sense. Happy writing! If you have any questions or comments, pm me. I have nothing better to do this December...
-Cresscent
I love it and I can't wait to see more! Well done!
NightWriter x