A Dead Date
By Rebecca Brady Moans
Emily has always believed it’s never too late to join in on life, unless you’re dead then that’s way too late. But recent events have certainly challenged her belief.
The Vampires unveiled themselves last year, ending Emily’s little obsession with Vampire Teen Fiction. Emily had often pondered over what it would be like if Vampires existed, now that they are, she would prefer it if they went back into the books. Emily hasn’t had the misfortune of meeting a Vampire yet and that’s the way she wanted to keep it until one insisted on walking her home. This mysterious vampire, whose name was Eryk, had seemed human at first, just a little shy. Infact everything had seemed normal, the house party was the same as always and everyone pretended to be drunk. It was when Emily decided to go home that things got a bit out of shape. Eryk insisted he should walk her home and Emily not knowing this guy politely declined. He paid her rejection with no response and continued to walk with her. Emily’s anxiety kicked in then but she failed to speak and just kept walking.
The walk was rather quiet until he suddenly stopped, Emily looked back at him with concern and screamed. Fangs had slowly started to grow from his top row of teeth. She stopped screaming and started running, this was one thing she has learned from her excessive reading, running is always the safer option. She ran past the gate into the park, if this was a novel entering the park would mean certain death. She ran for as long her asthma would allow, turning corners as often as she could.
She was absolutely certain that he was just behind her but she couldn’t breathe she had to stop. She waited anxiously for the pounce but there was nothing, everything was silent. A long time past before she considered moving, she quickly walked as fast as she could begging God to keep her safe. She turned the corner and there he was right beside the Youth Centre. She considered running again but she just continued walking towards him.
He was leaning against a wall looking ordinary, which gave Emily a surprising feeling of disappointment. She was half expecting and half hoping that he would be in a cloak that had a huge collar. She slowed as she got closer to him. Emily felt like she was walking towards the gallows. When she reached him he smiled a normal no unusual teeth smile. She remained silent and anxious.
“Shall we continue our walk?”
Emily noticed that he was waiting on a reply so she just nodded. He laughed and took her hand. Just then Emily found her voice.
“NO! Please just... I don’t like you know? Blood” Emily clasped her mouth with her free hand and her eyes screamed fear.
Eryk smiled and pulled her into a hug, Emily was sure she was living her last moments.
“Emily” He paused. She held her breath.
“Let me be perfectly clear, I am not going to bite you. Or kill you for that matter”
“oh, em well thanks” Emily realised it was a stupid thing to say but it had slipped out.
He pulled her into a walk which had a very confusing atmosphere. Eryk did most of the talking while Emily replied with several variations of the sound “hmm”. This didn’t seem to affect Erik’s chatter box nature. Just as he began to talk about one of his favourite films Emily cut across him.
“What do you want with me?”
He seemed a little shocked but he soon got over that and smiled
“Praise the fangs, she speaks! Emily I just wanted to get to know you, and make sure you get home safe”.
His words shocked Emily, she was used to guys wanting to get to know her but having an interested vampire was something out of her experience.
“Why me? I don’t even know you, why not someone else? I don’t feel comfortable dating a vampire”.
Eryk laughed and Emily soon joined in after she realised what she had said. She bent her head in embarrassment and decided she should go home. When she voiced this thought Eryk frowned and pulled her close.
“Emily I picked you because you’re unusual” Eryk looked towards the sky, like every other guy trying to retrieve the right words. “That sounds stupid, I know, but you’re something else”.
They went silent and continued walking for a while, until Emily realised he had walked her home.
“Something else...” Emily’s mind had started boiling and she had no idea what was going on.
They both started laughing.
“Yeah, Something else. I have yet to figure it out. So how about a date? We can grab a bite to eat” Emily could see the embarrassment he hid behind his playful smile.
“That really isn’t funny Eryk”
Eryk smiled.
“That’s the first time you’ve used my name” his smile grew sad when he noticed Emily began to cry.
“Emily what’s wrong? I’m sorry if I was too bold”
Emily gave him a small smile through her tears.
“I just realised that I might feel comfortable dating a vampire and I’m scared bloodless about what my parents will say” she looked up at him and noticed his face change from worried to excited.
“Is that a yes?” his hope was clearly obvious.
“Yes, along as you promise to never bite me....ever” She smiled and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.
“Okay as long as you promise never to run from me again, that was wounding”.
He continued to walk her home. There was a lot of awkward moments but Emily enjoyed it. The last few hours had left her both physically and mentally exhausted. She was slightly happy to be home and she could almost hear her bed calling her.
“Well goodnight m’dear, I shall see you soon, until then do not consume garlic”
Before she could reply he bowed goodnight and walked away leaving her giggling and wondering if garlic really is damaging to vampires.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
This is so good.
Alright what I expected: Sappy Vampire Lines. Unrealistically Hot Vampires that make me angry about them. Cliche vampire stuff. Twilight-like stuff .a horrible story line.
What I got: A humoring story. a cute average guy who just so happens to be a vampire. an average girl who just so happens to like this vampire guy and becomes frightened by him. she relies on her knowledge of vampires from books and runs away (my reaction). a slightly happy ending and no vampire cliche stuff involved.
My reaction: Pleased. Happy. Excited about what you may write in the future.
This was really good. I am pleased that you avoided vampire cliche and highlighted that fact. I also liked how normal you made them both seem. It was realistic and funny and cute. Keep writing cause I love it and I am sure other people will too.
Hi there! Lucrezia here for a review.
This was surprisingly good! And I say surprisingly because I, like many others, am not into the whole vampire-romance-story thing. But this managed to do something original with a tired idea, and for that I applaud you.
I liked the humorous appeal of it. It was unconventional and charming. I can honestly say of the other vampire stories I've read on here, none of them have been like this. So props for originality/cleverness.
Your MC is sweet and likable, which is also nice. And the vampire isn't annoyingly brooding or angst-y, and that was also a cool change of pace.
One suggestion would be to work on the flow a bit. It all felt very fast to me. One minute she's running from him, terrified, and the next she's accepting him as her boyfriend. You could've given us some more of her thoughts, maybe, how she's feeling, that sort of thing. A few descriptions wouldn't hurt, either.
Nitpicks:
Nice opening line, but it's a little jarring and sudden because of lack of punctuation. I'd suggest tweaking it a bit, so that it looks like:
'Emily has always believed it's never too late to join in on life . . . unless you're dead. Then it's way too late.'
"In fact" is two words. Put in a space there and you're good.
"Vampires" does not need to begin with a capitalized V. Unless this is for stylistic purposes. In that case, ignore me.
This could be even more dramatic if it was spaced out a touch. Like:
'The walk was rather quiet until he suddenly stopped. Emily looked back at him with concern, and promptly screamed.
Fangs had started to grow from his top row of teeth.
She quit screaming and started running.'
"Past" should be "passed," I believe.
If I'm reading this right, it should be written more as:
"No! Please just . . . I don't like, you know, blood."
Period should be inside the quotation marks, not out of it. Watch for your punctuation; some of the characters' dialogue was lacking periods at the end.
Okay, I think that's everything. Overall it's quite a nice piece. You might want to consider doing something more with it, it could be interesting.
Great work!
heyXD
Ok. I was really intrigued by the title.
And then it was about vampires. And I must admit. I found it really disappointing.
Not only does it lack originality, but the punctuation was a bit sketchy.
For example: ' ending Emily’s little obsession with Vampire Teen Fiction.' Why has vampire teen fiction got capitalisation? I don't understand.
Also, further throughout the writing there is punctuation missing: '“Well goodnight m’dear, I shall see you soon, until then do not consume garlic”' This needs clearing up in the editing process to make it accurate and also, look more professional.
After giving such harsh criticisms, I will see the piece was well written. The dialogue was accurate for the genre and the pace of the work moved quickly, so if you like vampires and the like then the reader won't get bored.
I would have liked to have seen something a bit more original, but aside from that...
Keep writing.
~BSF
I thought this was pretty good. The story itself is very intriguing, and while I don't care much for Twilight, the vampire concept, while old, will never get old. Everyone likes the idea of humans turned evil, and vampires is definitely one of the first and most original.
The writing itself is not bad. There are some flaws that I won't nitpick, smaller grammatical errors that aren't important right now. You have a good break up of dialogue and explanation, as well as separation of paragraphs. Shorter paragraphs are always better. They give you more pages, hence the illusion of more material, and they make the story more free flowing, and easier to read.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading the story.
Thank you WriteForTheFuture
Hi there,
I read this over and I thought it was a fun idea. I liked the idea of a first date with someone/something really quite unconventional. When it's over and she's giggling, I understand because the two characters are so different, it's bound to have an element of humour in it.
The awkwardness behind her character is also fairly realistic, as I can imagine a teenage girl would be a little awkward.
The only thing I would say to improve would be to read it out loud, and take another look at the punctuation you've used. You've missed out a few full stops, so just read it over again and maybe re-draft and re-post.
It's a good start though, and keep writing and posting. Also, I'd suggest that you maybe read plenty of books that revolve around the theme you've written about to get an idea of what you should be writing, or what you shouldn't be writing. It will also help with structure and characterisation.
Good job and keep writing,
H.L.P