Misty Mourning - Ch. 1 Ep. 2

Hello Hello, I am back with a second review it is a little though. I do think the names near the start of a chapter should translate well enough in a normal print or E-book but here it is a bit hard to miss. I would recommend bolding the names just so it catches the readers' eyes but overall not that big of a deal. I liked this chapter I feel we got a wider perspective of the world and life there. On top of that, I find the implication that Vesper might die a very good hook. I feel like reading more to figure out if he's sick or whatever else. However, there were a few things I would like to point out that could be improved. Two are quick fixes and others are more craft-based ( I am in no way a pro ) I hope you don't mind.

Starting with the quick fixes that are just my point of view on how they should sound. There are two sentences I would add to just to help flow and the likes.

"I spot something–a living thing–in the distance. It’s moving, but not walking. More shaking, wobbling" Could become "I spot something, a living thing in the distance. It’s moving, but not walking, more like shaking or wobbling. "

The second one is really small. " I glide my hand across the coarse concrete that makes up the walls separating us from wasteland. I walk along until I spot my prize." I feel it should be the wasteland.

Now onto my bigger points starting with cities collapsing and all of that. there is a good balance that does need to be achieved between telling the reader so they understand and showing. I feel there could have been a more interesting way to do this perhaps ripped up headlines flitting past from years ago, saying things from before the mist and how bad it is then many during it showing the horrors.

The other point I have is, in the end, we see the mist for the first time after build-up but we get nothing about it, I would like to see even some details. Is it heavy and warm kind of like it might choke you to death is there a sound or smell to it what about colour? it would add to the daunting threatening feeling it is meant to evoke. In that same vein, I wish you had given a bit more to sensery details to the wasteland in order to make it feel a bit more real.

other then that it's a soild chapter, keep writing and drink water!

Hi names 22Midnight
hope your doing well, let's get into it!

First Impression: I am so worried about this main character right now, like are they going to get home in time or are they stuck out here forever! they'll get home in time it will be fine because they are responsible

Mixed Up Confusion: so i don't normally put this in my normal reviews but i feel like it is needed, I see that the name for this character has changed which has made it very confusing to know if this is still Elias or not, I do notice that it is Vesper from the other chapter though but still a bit confusing, on top of that your not really giving us an idea of what gender they are either, of course i do like somethings being left to imagination but there are things that need to be more clear and that would be one, because when constantly changing characters it is important to make sure that the reader is not having trouble following a long, at first when reading this chapter I thought it was your original character from the last chapter, but then I sore that it said Vesper instead of Elias, and again at the end of this I still didn't know the gender of the person speaking i think it's a guy but might want to clarify it a bit more, which can help give me a bit more of an image to what you where visioning in your head. Hopefully this makes sense

So with that said lets get on with the rest of the review.

The sun begins to sink below the horizon as the day comes to an end. I stare out at the tall buildings that surround the park. The swing I’m sat on creaks with every movement.

I stand without thinking, and leave. I realize that I don’t know where I’m going, but I keep walking. My pace begins to pick up and before I realize, I’m running.

Buildings become less frequent the further I go, so I know I’m almost there. The smell of sea water fills my lungs as I reach the coast. I reach over the rail separating me from the sandy beaches, and allow my weight to rest onto it. The moonlight makes the waters shimmer, and the waves grow higher with each passing moment. I sigh, and take in everything around me. The oak and palm trees, the flowers planted along shop windows, the salty air, and the seagulls overhead. It’s refreshing.

Even though I’m 20 feet away, a wave of calm washes over me, drenching me in the soft melancholy of the night. Before I know it, I’ve jumped the rail and am now jogging down the sandy beach. Shells crunch underneath my shoes as I go further.

I spot something–a living thing–in the distance. It’s moving, but not walking. More shaking, wobbling. As I get closer, I notice it’s a turtle. An upside down turtle. I give a soft smile, and slow my pace. I walk closer, and carefully flip him, as he waddles away back into the water.

I look out over the water, the wave returns. I’ll never be able to do so many things. Life goes by and we can’t stop it. And with current circumstances, I may have even less time than that.

It’s probably getting late now, I should hurry. I cut my walk down the beach short and make my way back onto the pavement, jumping the rail once more.

I reach the borders of the city. The mist caused a wide-scale panic among the entirety of our nation. Amidst this panic, dozens of reckless decisions were made. Including but never limiting blocking off all major cities. They did this by building walls along the borders.

The country was already collapsing before the mist, most small cities could no longer afford proper housing, and many people lived on the streets. After the mist, well, you can guess what happened. After that, major cities allowed in survivors, leaving most minor cities completely abandoned, left to nature.

I glide my hand across the coarse concrete that makes up the walls separating us from wasteland. I walk along until I spot my prize.

A hole in the wall.

I’ve never asked how it got there. Nor do I want to know. All I know is that it’s my ticket out. I crouch down and shimmy through. The wall is only a few feet wide, so the journey is rather swift. Though, tedious.

I crawl out and stand, wiping off dust from my hair and jeans with my hands. I then head off, my destination is only a bit away.

I walk for a few minutes, passing through all remnants of old cities, places once thriving with life. Now, they only hold the very occasional survivor, having been taken over by nature. I glance around, there are vines and weeds growing everywhere. The roads I walk on are littered with abandoned cars and cracked beyond repair.

I reach my destination, an office building. Most of the windows are shattered, graffiti covers the bricks (shamefully, some of it being mine). Greenery covers majority of the building.

I climb through a broken window, carefully avoiding the glass so as not to get cut. This, however, proves ineffective as I discover a cut on my shin. I’ll bandage it later.

I climb the stairs, carefully avoiding cracks and various other things on my way up. Once I reach the top, I swing the doors open and am met with wind hitting my face. But I’m not done.

I go towards the wall of the stairwell door, where I’ve previously placed a ladder. Did I mention it isn’t my first time here? I found the ladder in a storage closet a few floors down. I carefully go up, and eventually make it on top of the stairwell entrance.

This is the highest building nearby, and it provides a divine view of the remnants of the city. I’m over 300 feet in the air, being on top of I suppose a skyscraper.

I still have time.

I love coming here to escape the world. The sirens that play from 11 pm to midnight don’t reach here, and I can enjoy the peace.

Before I know it, the sun has set completely and the sky is now flooded with stars and galaxies. I reach out my arm, what I would do to be among them, and not stuck on this wretched planet.

I still have time.

To be on some planet, not forsaken by god to be rid of life. I would give everything, just for things to go back to normal. For the mist to secede, to be able to stay out late again. All of the experiences I was denied. To be a kid again.

I wake up, the moon staring down at me. I smile. A smile that quickly fades when I realize what’s going on.

I don’t have time.

A few distance screams fill my ears, as I scurry to the edge of the roof. How could I fall asleep? I see mist, pooling around the building. Never quite reaching me. Almost as if I’m just out of reach.

Throughout my panic, one thought remains constant.

Am I going to die?