Chapter One:
Snip, snip, snip, snip. Mom cut away at my once long red hair. As the strands took their time landing on the floor my said through the comb in her mouth "Honestly April, I don't know how you got gum in your hair. You don't even like gum."
I said nothing even though what I really wanted to say was It's your stupid son! Tyler put it in my hair because I didn't let him watch power rangers while I was watching House. He's the brattiest child in the world! He always has to get his way and if he doesn't then you get gum in your hair.
But of course I couldn't say this. Little Tyler was my mother and father's perfect little angel. They baby him because he's allergic to everything. And when I say everything I mean everything. He's allergic to dust mites, carpet, feathers, animals with fur, the sun, the grass, most foods, and yes that includes chocolate and peanut butter, and so much more I can't even remember them all!
If I said anything bad about Tyler, even if it was true, I would get in trouble.
May giggled as she passed by the bathroom. We had been having a contest to see who could grow their hair out the longest. Looks like she wins and I have to clean out her hairbrushes tonight. Yuck!
Mom slid the comb through my now shoulder length hair and said "Done." I turned to the mirror to see, well, me with short hair. Anyone else would have put peanut butter on it to get it out but no. Tyler is allergic. So since he's allergic I need to cut six inches off of my hair. We're not even allowed to have it in the house. I know, it sucks. It truly does.
May came back and clutched the door frame "Mom, don't forget my play is tomorrow." Mom's face lit up. May is the oldest, the actress, and the one who most time is spent revolving around when they're not at doctor appointment or buying stuff to help Tyler's allergies.
As for me, well, I'm just kind of there. There's nothing special about me and there's nothing wrong with me. Here's what exciting things have happened to me in he last year- 1)I threw up during gym class. Yay!!!!!!!! No. 2) I got a D in math 3)I got my hair cut. 4)...........
Nothing else.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Hey WordsInMyMind! I'm Kat, and I'm dropping for a quick review.
Right now, I'd say your biggest issues would be your characters, because they don't seem to be very deep - as in developed to the reader's point of view. There is something interesting about them, individually, like the older sister, how she didn't appear mean, like most older sisters are in these kind of stores; your other big issue would be the grammar/typos and such. Have a good read, review it all again and correct them, because they give a wrong feeling to the reader. You got me hooked her, now I want to know what's going to happen that'll change her 'normal' life.
What made me look at this was the title, because yes - I am a middle child, and I thought it might sound interesting. And guess what, it did xD I very much liked the MC's point of view, though I didn't get much of her personality. She also sounds a bit dull to me, because she didn't fight her brother Tyler when he put the gum in her hair and she didn't told her mum the truth. That kind of sets me off, those kind of MC's tend to continue like that and well, bore us. I hope she doesn't, though.
Also, this is a good a start because you threw a normal scene at us, with background. This piece is a good opening, and I'd like to see more. It also feels very real, something that could happen in this world. Good job in that
Other than that, good start
- Kat
Hello! I'm Stela, and I will be reviewing for you today!
#FF0000 ">Power Rangers should be capitalized xD
#FF0000 ">You say he's allergic to most foods and then you list things such as dust mites, carpets, the sun, the grass, feathers, animals with fur..in what strange world do your characters live in, if they eat that stuff
#FF0000 ">I would use words instead of numbers, and I wouldn't put that many exclamation marks
I found this an interesting read, actually. You made your characters believable, with the spoilt youngest child, the bossy, high achiever oldest sibling, and the neglected middle child. I mean, you used stereotypes, but you made them believable. What seemed weird to me, was the fact that they cut her hair, even though the boy was allergic to peanut butter. Surely, they could have saved her hair, by doing what was necessary in a different room, away from the boy and they could have kept her away from the little boy for a while? Maybe that's just my opinion though. It was interesting though, it was a good idea to start with an onomatopoeia, that made the piece seem exciting. Please PM me when you post more
Waaaaaaah! I loved this. It made my smile.
I like the part about Tyler's allergies, it was funny and cleverly written. The fact that I already like the 'middle-child' is impressive too, you already have me endeared to her average and relateable (is that a word?) self.
I also like the fact that she seems so sensible: - Definitely a good middle-child trait.
Just two things:
Advice I've heard from different sources: Less is more. When writing a sentence, don't try to fit every word possible into it. Instead of you could say "what I really wanted to say was . . ." - Does that make sense?
When the girl was thinking about her little brother, when she's thinking specifically of her brother's name, Tyler. Realistically she might have just used "he" in her thoughts, instead of his name, since he is her brother. But I also see how you used that to introduce him, so I kind of still like it that way.
Other than that, I can relate to her, she seems very real, and it's very funny! It actually reminds me of Meg Cabot (author of Princess Diaries, though maybe for a younger audience . I can't wait to read more!!