Young Writers Society

The whole poem generated one word - honesty. You could clearly understand that there was this sense of truth in every word written. In my mind, an image of a stained innocence in the darkness trying to see the light is clearly painted. Another thing, I also see hope of moving on in the poem. Just sheer honesty.

Love,
CELJiii

While I liked the subject of the poem, and the honest truth of it's simplicity, it had a few flaws. Maybe it's only me, but I couldn't grasp how the first line fit with the rest of the poem. 'I tried, honey, I really did', makes it sound as if you left them damaged...like they're the ones that were hurt. You act angry and hurt in some parts, but with that one line coming back again it's as if it's somehow your fault. Also that one line: 'But they haven't heard my prayers from up above', is kind of choppy. While meaningful, it doesn't go with your previous "language", and briefly changes subjects. I almost feel rude saying anything about either of these lines because no one else commented on them, and I'm horrible at understanding poetry or symbolism; but the rest of the poem is absolutely beautiful and, in the end, all I can really take from this piece is that you should keep writing because very few people have your talent...and that coupled with persistence and hard work is all all anyone really needs to get to where they want to be

Oh my gosh! Hello there, Wonder! This is RedApril29th, reviewing you.
10/10.
This hits home so hard! A guy I had dated was everything for me. He treated me like a princess, he was so perfect. I had my rose colored goggles on, I couldn't see any imperfections in this beautiful boy. Rumors went around, he was accused of giving another girl a hicky while dating me. I confronted him about it. He said he didn't. I believed him and was willing to fight the girl.
Then, more came. We were taking a break while I got settled into my new home. We planned to get back together very soon, we'd been talking about it. Then he went and got a blow from my bestfriend, and TOLD me. I figured, okay, he had the balls to tell me. It was her fault.
He swore never to do it again. Yet, a couple weeks later, he had sex with her, got head from another one of my friends, and from some girl that knew the two of them. My bestfriend was the one who told me, because I asked her and she wasn't going to lie anymore. I confronted him again. He said he didn't do any of that. Me being the detective I am, went and asked each of the girls, and even told him I was going to. He told me to go ahead. They all responded, admitting it! I was so heart-broken. I tried so hard to believe he was perfect, tried so hard to be what he wanted. Then he sits there and told me he loves me, that I wasn't like those hoes. As you said, the truth cannot lie. If I was all he wanted, he wouldn't have done that with them!
This poem is so close to home, I just can't believe how wonderful it is. Had me a bit sad. You have a lot of talent and I hope to see more of your work!

Sincerely,
RedApril29th

Wow, a realistic and deep and emotional poem you have here. Truly magnificent.
The poem itself has a really nice ryhme scheme. It's steady and it goes well with the theme of the poem, sadness. The person is obviously belittled for being so young. You make that clearing the verse,
"They say I'm too young and I don't know love."
I think it's real that you implemented. Unlike others, I think the poem it's something that an imagination can process. No special detail or description of this deep dark poem is needed. It fine and perfect the way it is right now. It needs no changes. I for one love the eerie, dark, and malevolent feel of the poem. Keep it. It's quite beatiful.

Well as stated previously, language.
But this is very, very, dark.
Also very direct, and doesn't leave the reader with anything to grasp for or imagine. =/
I'm not trying to be harsh, it is a very heartfelt, and full of emotion, however the context leaves a lot to be desired. True it is hard to use symbolism to describe emotion, this isn't the path I had in mind when stating this, I'm saying.. Be less direct, and lead the reader on.

now for my favorite parts.

I’m sorry honey, I swear I really am,
but you just didn’t give a damn.
And now I’m cold and left alone,
A child in body but in my heart fully grown.

these are my favorite lines.



Because of you I’m just nothing on a shelf,
Now forever a shell of my former self.

this part here seems forced to fit in with the scheme of it.
for what is it, to be nothing on a shelf? A space maybe? a void? Or is it less objective and more subjective?


All in all, keep writing, it has strong points and low ones, as all poetry does.

Los~

Perhaps a rating for language?

o.o I dont really know how i can compliment this. As Blackwood said, your rhyming is pretty much perfect. You should probably put the break lines in, since without them it makes the poem look like a book paragraph. The poem itself is majestic. I would normally say beautiful, but it feels a little sad...

But seriously, if you were to collect thirty or forty poems like this one, and put them together in a book, you could easily get published! In my opinion, writing poems is a little harder than a book since you have to make everything rhyme and the such. Another great work!

This rhyming is excellent. I was very impressed.
I am completely confused as if this is lyrics or a poem. Your category hasn't showed up properly.
Either way I feel like you need to put some line breaks in here. At the moment it works but it could be enhanced visually and spatially by lines. Something like this would be appropriate. Also in this example I fixed a couple of grammar and wording things.

I tried honey, I swear I really did;
but you just kept giving me shit.
I’m sorry honey, I swear I really am,
but you just didn’t give a damn.
And now I’m cold and left alone,
A child in body but in my heart fully grown.
They say I’m too young, that I don’t know love;
but they haven’t heard my prayers to up above.
My face is young, smiling and bright,
But my soul is old, no hope in sight.
Because of you I’m just nothing on a shelf,
Now forever a shell of my former self.
I don’t know how I could be so blind, but now I see:
You just weren’t right for me.
I swear, I really did try,
But the truth cannot lie.