The Golden Rose

I don't wish to be harsh, but I am because this has great potential. This is all too stiff. Stiff sentences, usually short and you don't vary the lengths of them. Of course, to do this, combine a few sentences, maybe add stuff to them. And maybe you've never had anyone tell you this:
Cut down on description. Everything is described which leads to a sort of Stephenie-Meyer-Dazzling theme. Also, you tend to repeat some things, like the thunder in your story. Don't let the girl stop running, maybe don't stop the thunder. I don't know. You have to do this on your own.
Though I really enjoyed the ending. Very pretty-melancholy-ish

And I suggest all the things Paperwanderer said Especially the rock bottom thing.

You need to correct a lot of things, but when that is done, this story will be mind-boggling

Lavvi

hi i am pencil!

good job on your first post. your work has a theme of darkness and beauty of expression. it reminds me of the way i write on my blog so it was beautiful and WOW you have so much in common with me i also take pictures from Google.well good job and you can stay a bit of the confusing drama!

lots of luck,
E'stella

Thanks guys..and sorry for all the typoes....My computer doesn't have spell check, so yeah....sorry- my mom is my spell check!!!!(stuck in the ice age over here) =D


And by the way tompling was suposed to be Tumbled...hehee-horrible....

You've created some strong images and a charged atmosphere that really catches the attention of the reader

Now onto some helpful critique:

Rain pounded the trees, somehow it slipped through the leaves to reach her skin. Lighting struck a tree in front of her. A sream peirced the nigth air. The burned tree came tompling down.

You need to fix a couple of highlighted typos and I'm not sure about the use of an urban word like "tompling" here, do you mean "toppling?" Also, it's easy to imagine the rain falling onto her skin if its pounding the trees so maybe try:
"Rain pounded the trees, slipping/sliding through the leaves to reach her skin."

She tripped over a tree trunk and fell. Her bottom hit the ground first but her head struck a rock. Warm blood ozzed out of her head, staining the already rain-soaked ground. Black and white dots spun like dancers around eyes.
Everything she remember came flooding into her mind. Her parents, her brother, her friends, her family, her home. Even at her age she could see that it was the end-that she would have to give it all up. And so she closed her eyes and prayed that no one would miss her.
A single salty tear rolled down her cheek.

And in that dark moment something magical happened.
When the tear hit the rock it began to grow and change. It seemed to turn golden... And then a single golden rose grew out of the rock, right beside the dying girl, born from a last tear.
As the girl began to breath heavy, the rose's petals fell. As the girls body became heavy, the rose's stem began to bend. And as the young girl took her last breath the rose wilted and crumpled to the cold blood-stained rock.

OHMYGOSH! I totally loved the story and that picture was beautiful! Great Job!

With a blank expression on her face she stumbled out of the brush and into the begining of the old forest.

A sream peirced the nigth air.

The burned tree came tompling down. The young girl stumbled backwards in fear for her life.

She tripped over a tree trunk and fell. Her bottom hit the ground first but her head struck a rock.

And so she closed her eyes and prayed that no one would miss her.

lol that is cool though

o i found that flower on google!

welcome and i like your flower..i drew something like that before, it was really good.

thanks it really helped....

Wolfy wrote:Thunder rolled over head. Dark storm clouds loomed over the old forest. Footsteps mashed intot he mud lead to a young girl running through the thick underbrush. What she was running from could very likely be her own imagination. Thorns and branches reached out like finger. They pulled her hair and tore her dress, but she just closed her eyes and kept running.
With a blank expression on her face she stumbled out of the brush and into the begining of the old forest.
Thunder boomed above the trees, causing the young girl to start running again. Her bare feet tangled in the long moss as she ran.
Rain pounded the trees, somehow it slipped through the leaves to reach her skin. Lighting struck a tree in front of her. A sream peirced the nigth air. The burned tree came tompling down. The young girl stumbled backwards in fear for her life.
She tripped over a tree trunk and fell. Her bottom hit the ground first but her struck a rock. Warm blood ozzed out of her head staining the already rain-soaked ground. Black and white dots spun like dancers around eyes.
Everything she remember came flooding into her mind. Her parents, her brother, her friends, her family, her home. Even at her age she could see that it was the end-that she would have to give it all up. And so she closed her eyes and prayed that no one would miss her.
A single salty tear rolled down her cheek.

And in that dark moment something magical happened.
When the tear hit the rock it began to grow and change. It seemed to turn golden... And then a single golden rose grew out of the rock, right beside the dying girl, born from a last tear.
As the girl began to breath heavy, the rose's petals fell. As the girls body became heavy, the rose's stem began to bend. And as the young girl took her last breath the rose wilted and crumpled to the cold blood-stained rock.

Please review!!! This is my first post... =)

Footsteps mashed intot he mud lead to a young girl running through the thick underbrush.

They pulled her hair and tore her dress, but she just closed her eyes and kept running.
With a blank expression on her face she stumbled out of the brush and into the begining of the old forest.

Her bottom hit the ground first but her struck a rock. Warm blood ozzed out of her head staining the already rain-soaked ground.