Published June 30, 2010
(deleted and locked at author's request)
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141,381 Literary Works • 674,386 Reviews
ok first off there are a lot of words that you have used in the wrong tense, to fix these you should read it out loud to a wall or something and see if it makes sense then correct it, i couldnt find to many gramatical mistakes, so that was pretty good although you could have put some more comas in instead of using 'and' a lot, what i did notice though was that you like your full stops don't you? its like i like toast. i like books. i like cheese. that sort of thing but you are not to bad, plus as has already been said, you need to space out, chuck a few paragraphs in there its hard to read a big block of text. my english teacher says that if you are talking about one thing than you change what your talking about you should put a new paragraph if that makes sense. its a good story, its got potential. i'm not that good at reviewing but hey, i'll get there just like you will with your story if you fix these things up.
Soap
Your story is nice, but it would be nice if you spaced out alot of things. (Description, New paragraph, Dialogue, ect.) A block a text is very hard read, and it will confuse the reader.
That's my only problem with the story. Can't wait for the next chapter!