Young Writers Society

I think I one off full edit would probably suffice. There's not enough story to really sink my teeth into.

The clouds of smoke began to clear; , revealing a girl in a black cloak standing atop the pile of buildings that had moments agobeen reduced to rubble. The group of survivors below her coward coweredback slightly as she glared down upon them. The wind blew her short red hair and cloak in a menacing way. (SHOW, don't tell. What is a menacing way? Did the wind send a ripple through her coat? Did it pull it across her body? Did it lift a little?)

It seemed like eternity passed before she finally began making her waymade her way slowly down the pile; black(SPACE)combat boots causing sending small fragments to falling onto the ground. A boy, no older than 19 nearing the cusp of manhood

, slowly rose up from the group and stood before her; straining to look big and strong. The girl pulled the handkerchief downfrom around her lips to her neck;(FULL STOP) She wore a smirk. He swallowed hard, but kept held his ground; waiting for her to do something, anything(IT's cliche is all). His hands formed balled into tightfists and his body began to tense

his gaze kept on the skinny but yet terrifying creature(?) walking towards him. The girl though, began to laugh; a low chuckle at first, but it soon grew into a loud and horribly horrible evil laugh.

The man's boy's(He was a boy a moment ago, right?) eyes grew wide as she suddenly raised a 9mm pistol, and pointed it at his head in one swift movement. His body froze He was completely still except for a single tear of sweat running down his cheek(SEE previous point about psychic distance?) and he couldn't move. Everything stopped, including time, and the only sound was the eerie faint whistle in the wind. As if in slow motion, she pulled the trigger and the bullet burst out of the barrel of the gun. He breathed in and for a moment the bullet was moving past him as it not only missed him, but (FULL STOP) It hit something behind him. His heart stopped beating in that moment(AGAIN, this boy better be a main character later on because you are giving him a lot of words and you are giving us insight into his thoughts and feelings.) as a quiet thud reached his ears.(COMMA) He slowly turned to face what she had shot,(FULL STOP) and was greeted with the monsters they were running from. Waiting with a greedy look were the monsters they were running from.

Hello! ^^

The clouds of smoke began to clear;

revealing a girl in a black cloak standing atop the pile of buildings that had been reduced to rubble.

The group of survivors below her coward back slightly

blackcombat boots causing small fragments

slowly rose up from the group and stood before her; straining to look big and strong.

The girl pulled the handkerchief from around her lips to her neck;

As the previous reviewer said, very chilling and intense. That was quite a plot twist. It would be nice to learn some context, though. What happened to the buildings? Who is the girl? What were they running? My brain put the whole thing in some sort of post-apocalyptic world, where they're all hiding from zombies and trying to kill them. It all has sort of a vaguely futuristic feel to it. My comment about context isn't necessary, however, it's just a suggestion. I'm intrigued by this, and I'd like to know more, is all. Great work!

Wooooooahoooaaah. That was spine-tingling. Nothing more eerie than reading about the slow withdrawal of a gun that is about to take someone's life! Jeeze!

Just some criticisms though; instead "horribly evil laugh" use a better adjective, like psychotically or " Poisonous laugh", "Fiendish laugh" I dunno, do what you like.

Another little nitpick, "coward" should be "cowered" but no biggie

Lastly, what is with the blue bold? Just a question