Hey everyone! I'm finally posting something new! This is the prologue to the book I'm writing. Tell me what you think!
Two men stood in a forest. They were trying not to been seen by a girl and her friend, who were walking and laughing.
One was older, with long blond hair that was tied back into a low ponytail. His old, wise blue eyes were staring at the boy next to him.
He was about eighteen, dark skinned, and very serious looking. His brown eyes watched the girl, and he got ready to run any time she glanced in his direction.
“You don't need to be so worried, Kaleb,” the older man said.
“I'm sorry, alpha,” Kaleb replied, “but I am. She's going to turn soon, and I don't want the blood packs getting a hold of her. I've guarded her for too long to let that happen.”
“Do you think she'll join them?”
“No. She's a very strong girl, and very smart too. But you know how the blood pack can be. They're dangerous when it comes to getting a new pup.”
“You're very right,” the older man said. He put his hand on Kaleb's shoulder. “I think you can handle this, and you now very well that you're not alone.”
“I know, alpha. The pack will help me if I need them.”
The girl's laugh echoed through the woods. She and her friend started walking towards the two men. They loped off into the woods as if they weren't there.
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Canary word: Present
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
OKay...well this is a bit of a creepy scene to start off with. We've got two innocent looking girls just walking and laughing with each other with two men just starting at them from a distance for some reason. That's a decent enough description for the two but the position they are in and what they're trying to just rings all the possible alarm bells here.
Okay..so looks like these two are on some kind of protection situation although I'd feel like if this was some kind of active protection because they truly cared about the girls, they'd be a little closer to said girls and being with them rather than creepily staring off in the distance, it just gives the wrong vibe there with this discussion going on here. But well, the whole protection situation does make things interesting, it looks like this is one of those many vampire + werewolf stories...so well, let's see.
Yeah see this behavior is literally what we end on and I just can't get over why this needs to happen in order to provide protection. Anyway it is still an intriguing piece here....there's enough there to hook most reader although I'm personally a little creeped out by these two at the moment.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi, Wolfie!
This is all very tell-y. Show, not tell, is a YWS pet peeve. But, it must be learned. Here's a couple of tutorials from the Knowledge Base I think would help you with this. Description and Show and Tell. These two I found very helpful and hope you will too.
The A in Alpha should be capitalized, because it's his name or title.
Okay, so first, your dialogue punctuation is really good. Which is more than I can say for a lot of people. However, the bad part about this is, like the part above, it lacks description. I know this is dialogue, but we still want to see what's happening. Here's a tutorial that is one of my absolute favorites and should help you out a lot. How To Get Rid Of Talking Heads. It sounds weird, but it's brilliant.
Overall, I'd say this has promise. So far it doesn't sound like Twilight, but it's just the prologue so you still have to be wary. Though sidestepping Twilight is good, go further. Make sure this doesn't get filled with cliches. There are a lot of Werewolf stories out there, so make sure this is original. Give us a reason to pick this above the others.
Mind PMing me when the next chapter's out? Please and thank you!
loveness, ultraviolet <3
Hey Wolfie!
Generally prologues offer a glimpse into the another part of the story or something that has some information for the rest of the story. And in that way, this does offer something to a reader but it could do with more description.
I want you to 'show' us the place, the weather or something. Just a little bit more would make this better.
And so far, it's not like Twilight. Don;t worry about it too much, just go ahead with your story.
~Lava
Well, okay I'll start with my nitpicks
The girls or the boys? Clarify that.
Overall
Umm, I can't say if your plot is like twilight or not because it was all talking.
Add description, add emotion
Write on
~WickedWonder