White Iris - Ch1

Hi! The title caught my eye so I decided to give this a chance x)

He pushes the gate’s doors open and rushes out into the plains full of incoming soldiers.
“Aaaah!” His shout, followed by his men, echoes through the mountains behind them as they crash into the enemy ranks.

Alright, I'm not sure if "Aaaah!" His shout" is correct. To me, it sounded like it should read "He shouts" or "They shout" So you might want to double check that.

Very soon the figure appears to be a girl around an age of 18, dressed in dark shinobi (ninja) clothes without a mask.

I would get rid of the (ninja). I realize that not everyone knows Japanese, but you shouldn't have to feel like you have to define all the words for us right in the middle of the story. It's a little distracting. If people can't figure it out they can just look it up in a dictionary lol x). If you'd like, I think you can slip in definitions after the chapter to offer a bit of explanation. You know, put a little * next to shinobi and then at the bottom of the page you can say 'ninja'. But try not to interrupt the actual story and just let the words flow.

Overall, this is an interesting read! I love the whole battles/ninjas part of this x) Right up my alley, lol. My biggest concern is that this just doesn't feel like a first chapter. It feels like I came into the story halfway. I don't really know who any of these people are, why there's a war going on... I'm just kind of lost x) I'm not sure this is the perfect opening to your story. In my opinion, if this is going to be some epic adventure, maybe you should start off slower and ease into the action instead of throwing us into some battle right off the bat x). Not that any of this was bad at all, but I think you could make a much more effective first chapter.

I hope this helped! I'd be interested to read more. Message me if you have any questions or need another review

Erm.. Hello. I enjoyed reading this... It was very good. It caught my interest right away. Keep updating it! I enjoyed it a lot.

First off, very interesting, grabbed me right away. It was a VERY quick read though, okay for some exerpt paragraph thing but I really think you should give the action and description more time and space. Like your title, Iris as in eye or flower? Anyway, here be some things that I caught:

“Daimyo-sama (Chief of clan),"
---No, no, no. Don't put this in the dialogue, you can mention it later in the prose. It's really distracting as-is and happens to be gramatically incorrect. You don't have to explain "sama," if the men use the title every time they adress the Daimo, the reader should catch on. Note: I'm not too familiar w/ Japanese history, Diamo is the correct term right? I thought it meant king or lord.

"yells while covering"
---I'm wondering why you chose to write in present tense. It's okay for screenplays and scripts, but as a narrative? Interesting, and I know some authors who've pulled it off, but in this case, it doesn't really fit with the story. It condenses the pace to 'lightning fast" speed, and is sort of distracting. I found myself skimming through the text. You should consider the trad. past tense, but hey, maybe I'm wrong.

“Ugh--haa!”
----Uhm...what is this? Is it ugh or haa?

stripped of everything except loin clothes.
---This was...distracting. You should just omit.

Overall, nice beginning, it had a nice grab to it. Was this a first draft? Waiting to see more from you.
(BTW, sorry for the short, slightly fragmented review here....>_<)