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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Well, here I go!
With foreign dust on my shoulders,
I traveled a long distance indeed.
Carrying a dark past without wonders,
I came with a wish for a good deed. This rhyme right here could be a bit better...
Born a beast and made to tear,
I had my body modified.
Trained to bring forth a dreadful fear,
My humanity isn't dignified. Great! The rhyming is perfect!
My mind is armed to the teeth,
Wearing a strong will to survive.
I hate to face the cold night breeze,
But there's no such thing as 'revive'. Woah... deep.
In my world of walking dead
Blood is to live, blood is to be spilled.
In the name of the sacred bread
One is to survive, one is to be killed. Bread? Not sure I get that part...
Many tried to be the first to surpass
This death soaked policy.
It cuts off all the chances to bypass
This so called 'blood diplomacy'. The last line is a bit cliche...
Until now I had no regrets,
Yet somebody played with my cards.
An offer so deep one never forgets,
A girl in prison with blinded bastards. Hmm... well, the second and last lines could rhyme better and follow the beat more...
I accepted the duty to protect
As I've got nothing to lose.
I was never really perfect,
But it's not an easy matter to choose. Nice!
She may run away
Or she may persist.
I can't really insist,
But at least I have to say -
In any case I'll still remain
A walking dead under the rain. You didn't follow the rhyme scheme...
__________
Rhyming: The rhyming is really good, with a few that could be better here or there. It's the last stanza that's the problem. You completely lost the rhyme scheme there. For the rest of the poem, the rhyme scheme is "abab" but in the last stanza it switches to "abbacc" - my teacher always told me that if you're going to rhyme, you have to have a definite rhyme scheme and you have to follow it to the end. I personally agree, and I do my best to do that (it's hard, though...)
Rhythm: You had a nice beat going on here. I liked it. When I was reading it in my head, it sounded really cool.
Grammar: Nothing wrong, grammar-wise, as far as I can see. Good job!
Spelling: Spelling? You must have even better spelling than me, dude, 'cause I'm never able to completely write something without there being a spelling mistake or a typo. It's usually typos, though.
Overall: Overall, it's really good! The theme is a little overused and cliche, but even so, it's really cool, at least in my opinion. Great job, you did good!
And that's a wrap.