This life - Chapter 1

Hello there Kyou!
How are you? It has been a long time since I reviewed anything of yours.

(man, I apologize for the delayed review.) >.<

I finish writing the last line and look up from my diary, looking out from a castle window next to me. #FF0000 ">(First off, the word "look" is repetitive and secondly, your introductory paragraph can be compressed closer together)The rising dark orange sun travels through vast plains until it reaches me, partially blinding me. #FF0000 ">(I have a little problem with this. How you describe the rising sun seems a bit vague. Perhaps you mean to say that the sun's ray's blinding his eyes, and not the sun literally reached his eyes.) Far in the distance I can still see in my mind the most recent battlefield. Over all the years these grassy plains witnessed a lot of murder, though there’s no judge for those crimes until the war is over – the winner after all sets the rules.

I don’t know how many battles have happened on these plains, being a commander of an army, that guards a part of south border of the kingdom, I’ve been through many battles and my nerves are slowly betraying me. Forced to guard a valley between mountains – a main path into the kingdom – with limited resources and manpower I barely cope with the tremendous presure; If we fail, helpless villagers will follow, thousands would die and who knows, cities may fall too. (#FF0000 ">There are three sentences here in this particular paragraph. I'm quite surprised as I read the second sentence because it's very long. Somehow, you can shorten it or cut it into half.)With each battle the chance of that happening increases as our numbers decrease and we can’t expect any reinforcements.

„Ser, there’s a woman calling herself the princess Mary waiting at the gate with two guards… Looks like another troublesome visit, Ser.“ #BF0000 ">(You have a minor punctuation issue here. Maybe your keyboard is broken, but you should be aware that if a character is speaking, use a quote in a dialog, not two commas. Also, "Sir" is the correct spelling to address someone who's greater than the speaker himself ^^) A sad voice of a fellow #FF0000 ">soldier breaks my thoughts. I look at him standing in the doors to my cabinet, #FF0000 ">(I'm quite confused at this. Do you mean "cabin", instead of a cabinet. As far as I know, cabinet is like a closet. >.<) his face behind dirty strokes of hair still shows sorrow from the last battle, just like most of the others he must have it hard to deal with these times of war; who'd stay calm seeing people die so often. On his chain armor there are still hints of blood, after all, we returned just a while ago.

„Thanks, soldier. #FF0000 ">(I'm having this kind of "Medieval" feeling at the start of the story and is distracted and bit ruined when I saw the word "Thanks"... which is a bit modern and out of the place.) Let the #FF0000 ">princess in and stall the guards.“ I answer with a small smile, trying to hide my suffering. I do not want fellow soldiers to lose more morale than they already have by seeing me down too.
„Understood, Ser.“ The soldier turns around and stops, turning his head to me again, but a moment later steps outside my cabinet #FF0000 ">(cabin?) and closes the door.

If it’s #FF0000 ">(A misused pronoun here. It's better to use "she" than "it".) really a princess, her arrival troubles me greatly; I don’t remember royalty ever coming with pure intentions and I don’t expect anything better to happen this time. I close my diary and hide it on a shelf of an antique wardrobe, locking it afterwards. I walk to a decorated wall mirror in my cabinet to check my face. My dirty blond mid-long hair forms half curly half wavy shape, #FF0000 ">(repetition of the word "half" )my green eyes still show my unstable state and my face looks cold as a cave stone. Even though I’m still young I already have wrinkles that show a lot of time spent being serious. #FF0000 ">(I don't know why your character is conscious about his face? It doesn't lead to any of the point in the story. ^^)

I wave my right hand in front of my face a few times, trying to look more elegant as I force a wider smile and a fake peace in my eyes; royalty or not, I still think I should look better in front of women.

A triple knock on the door signals me that the guests have arrived.
„Let her in!“ I command and walk to the centre of my cabinet. Soon the door opens and the princess #FF0000 ">(Before this, your character's confuse if the girl is a royalty or not, and now, he's assuring himself that she is. A bit abrupt.)comes inside. I sign the soldier to close the door and take a look at the princess from her toes to her brown short hair. She wears fancy leather armor with goldened cloth decorations instead of pads. Her tall and strong figure speaks of good fighting skills. (#FF0000 ">Your description of the princess doesn't much said it all. It lacks something, especially the part when your MC describes the princess' physical frame. You have used the word "strong" weak here.) On her belt is a sheathed sword, that looks to be of a good quality. In the end I stop at her brown eyes, ignoring her partially annoyed face expression as I’ve confirmed her identity; I’ve seen her once already, she’s truly from the royal family. #FF0000 ">(It's a bit weird when he looks at the princess' feet first. I don't know, but wouldn't his face direct to her face first? Also, there are some info dumps about the princess. Take it slowly. Don't be in a hurry. ^^)

„Welcome to the castle, Princess.“ I bow my head slightly.
„Now that’s a blasphemy! First my guards are stopped #FF0000 ">(I don't think "stopped" is the right word here.) and now this? Where’s the commander of this castle?“ Her tone reminds me a bit of a dog barking. Used to it I continue with the same cold voice. #FF0000 ">(The dialog's a bit abrupt. But anyways, it'd be also better if your MC had to paint the princess' disappointed expression. Or just even before he welcomes her.)
„A standard procedure, everybody with fancy clothes can come here and declare, that he or she is from a royal family. That aside, I’m the commander here.“
She double checks me with her eyes, I can tell she doesn’t believe my words.
„I find it hard to believe that, shouldn’t somebody much older be holding such a post? #FF0000 ">(Shouldn't it be called position or a title?)“ She sounds surprised instead of barking this time.

„Age has no meaning in the war, princess. What speaks of the standing is actual experience and I have plenty of that even though I’m just 23 #FF0000 ">(Much better if you have to spell the number out. ^^). You could know that in these times experience is the most priceless.“
„Just what kind of experience #FF0000 ">do you have? You’re not even in your thirties!“ She starts barking again. I wonder what she has against me.
„Battle itself teaches you much more than books or a teacher. I’ve been through countless battles, I gained my post with sheer hard work, not luck.“ I watch her trying to find words to say. An idea crosses my mind, I continue speaking: „You know, why don’t you accompany me to the recent battlefield. I’d like to show you how it looks in reality.“
„Why should I? It’s just going to be full of dead people, nothing more.“ She protests.
„That won’t do. You have to see it on your own eyes, so you stop doubting my position. I demand you to see, I can tell you won’t believe me no matter what I say.“
I see her widen her eyes #FF0000 ">("She widen her eyes" is simpler and better. ^^)and lower her brows. „You demand of me? A princess? You have no right to!“

Oh now I see. I’ve finally understood that one can’t reason with her. To me it looks like she has too much pride on top of knowing rumours that she doesn‘t like when men position themselves above her. I must make her see, I can’t think of anything else. As she keeps staring into my eyes, waiting for my response, I sigh – it won’t be easy to get her there against her own will. I guess I have to provoke her and not let her go whine to the king.
„Soldier! Entra teras!“ I command loud enough for the soldier behind the door to hear me. I continue speaking: „I do demand as the commander of this area. Besides, princess is no rank in the army, we answer only to the king, so you could say I’m being quite considerate towards you.“ I see her boil inside, frankly I even feel quite satisfied to see her like that.
„You – you’ll answer for that!“ She draws her long sword and threatens me with it: „Take those words back or I’ll make sure you’ll be thrown into prison for forever!“
Unable to hold back I laugh a bit, knowing the king that won’t really happen #FF0000 ">("Won't really do it"?)even if she gets out of here. „And I thought princesses are more elegant in speech towards unarmed people.“

Without saying anything more she just charges towards me, swinging her sword from the side to cut me in half. She’s attacked recklessly, thinking that without a weapon I’ll be taken down easily, I can tell that and I’ll use that mistake.

As the sword almost reaches me, I jump forward with all the strenght I have. I collide with her using my left shoulder, the impact throws her back. She staggers a few steps back, still holding her sword. I have to give her credit for not letting the sword fall, though I’m not in the position to watch. Before she has fully retailated I make step to her left side, swinging my right arm with full force from below. Unable to react fast enough, she gets hit at her stomach. She bends over my fist, groaning deafly as she looses her breathe. Without giving her even a chance to strike back I quickly punch her #FF0000 ">at heart and watch her fall on the ground, helpless. After a very short moment of trying to breathe I notice her to #FF0000 ">lose her consciousness, the lack of breathe has done its work. Confident that she’s still alive I hurry to the door and open it wide. Two soldiers barricading the door look at me surprised. Once they’ve noticed the princess on the ground, one of them opens his mouth, but I stop him with my hand raised and speak myself: „Calm down guys,#FF0000 ">( <--- And again with your modern terms. If this was set in Medieval times, change those words into something more old or even poetic. ) she’s alive and she attacked first, but that’s not the most important thing right now, I need you two to get my horse asap,#FF0000 ">(No. Don't use shortcuts like "asap" as much as possible. Be aware of the setting of your story and plus, the tend to weaken your prose. ^^) move!“

Okay. That's it for the nitpicks.

Your story is a little bit confusing in some points. The setting, I believe, is happening in Medieval Age... like I stated before. And it somehow ruined your reader's imagination of the story's setting when you misused modern words, especially when you're supposed to use chivalric terms.

The conflict is a bit surprising, I almost didn't like it. Sorry but I have to be honest. The only main cause of the disagreement between the two parties is that the princess believed that the main character is too young to be in a higher rank in the army and she doesn't like way how the guards welcomes her. It doesn't give much of a point and would only lead to a presumption that she's a spoiled royalty.

Your main character seems a bit one-dimensional as far as the story goes. He's pretty nonchalant about the princess' rambling. Which is I'm very concerned of, because people in this primeval Age are supposed to be very gentle. You know, like the concept of a knight in shining armor. Anyways, I know he can be improved. You might also want to fix his thoughts and opinions. Remember that the pov you're using is very tricky, so he should have a very strong connection to the readers.

Grammar wise, I think there are some rough parts you can fix. Be careful with your dialogs, punctuation and also your usage of words. Because some words doesn't blend in a sentence, which happens to distract the flow of your piece.

Overall, this has potential, Kyou. You just need to read this one out aloud again, and see if there are some lines which needs some repairing. Hope I helped and let me know if you have any questions or clarifications.

Peace out,
Yuri

P.S Sorry that I took this late. I had been really busy these past few weeks because of my graduation practices and finals. ^^

A review, as requested! First, nitpicks/grammar. Red is something I changed.

Curses and prayers,
Nobody has the #FF0000 ">strength to dare.

I don’t know how many battles have happened on these plains, being a commander of an army guarding a part of south border of the kingdom I’ve been through many and my nerves are slowly betraying me.

This seems to be quite a run on, and therefore I had a hard time focusing. I'd consider breaking it into pieces so that the point really gets across.

I look at him standing in the doors to my cabinet, his face still shows sorrow from the last battle, #FF0000 ">he just like most of the others have it hard to deal with these times of war.

This sounds wrong. I think if you went: "like most of the others, he finds it hard to deal with these times of war." It runs more smoothly.

I do not want fellow soldiers to #FF0000 ">lose more morale than they already have by seeing me down too.

I close my diary and hide it #FF0000 ">on a #FF0000 ">shelf of an antique wardrobe, locking it with a key.

Also, I don't think "with a key" is absolutely necessary. Generally, people could infer from the setting you've given so far and the fact its "antique" that that is the way it would be locked.

A triple knock on the door #FF0000 ">signals to me that the guests have arrived.

In the end I stop at her brown eyes, ignoring her partially annoyed face expression as I’ve confirmed her identity, I’ve seen her once, she’s #FF0000 ">truly royalty.

„A #FF0000 ">standard procedure, everybody with fancy clothes can come here and declare, that he or she is from a royal family. That aside, I’m the commander here.“

„I find it hard to #FF0000 ">believe that, shouldn’t somebody much older #FF0000 ">be holding such a post?“ She sounds surprised instead of barking this time.

„Calm down guys, she’s alive and she attacked first, but that’s not the most important #FF0000 ">thing right now, I need you two to get my horse asap, move!“

Also, I'd rethink "asap". I'm not sure exactly what time period you are going for here, but based on what you've written, I doubt "asap" would have been on their vocabulary list. I'd recommend "I you two to get my horse, immediately!" or something to that effect.

Overall, I like it. I'm definitely interested in reading more, and I think the story could be extremely interesting. My biggest things overall would be to watch the grammar (lose, instead of loose was the one thing I noticed most as well as missing words) and maybe add a bit more description? Really show the reader the people, the area. If its devastated by war, there are endless possibilities for showing us that. I hope when you show the battle field in the next part, you do just that as it will add a ton to the reading. Nice job!