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The bittersweet life - Chapter 1

by Wolferion


~Gone from existence~


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Mon Feb 20, 2012 11:40 pm
Shearwater wrote a review...



Hey, Shin!

I'm here to review this chapter for you. So, to get started, I have a few quotes here that I want you to look at.

"Even though she’s got warm shinobi* clothes, she’s trembling, trembling from worry over him - an inner injury in his left shoulder, fading consciousness, his breathing burning her neck skin."

This here seems like there's a lot going on. She's trembling, she's afraid for him, he's got an injury, he's becoming more and more unconscious, and also he's breathing down her neck. Alright, I think you need to split this so we get the entire picture. Don't spare words or explanations because it make your writing feel too tight and constricted. Instead of trying to say everything in one sentence, separate it and make it fluid and easy to understand.

"The horse lets out a short scream as something hits it; it falls down dead, the two dully hit the ground in front of it."

This is rapid action, here. Scream. Fall. Dead. This is another addition to what I mentioned above. Give us more explanation to what happened here and this is a great time to use the senses to build a scene. Don't be afraid of length.

In addition, I feel like your writing is too distant and hard to connect to without being derailed due to the short images and the fast pace. Now, this may be because you're writing in the third person present that I feel a bit odd reading it but I think you can use this present tense to your advantage. I've read a few novels in present tense and I usually like them because it makes me feel like things are unveiling themselves like a movie in my head - not that it doesn't happen in past tense but present tense has its own way of doing things. So, to make this stronger, try to use more description in your passages, especially when dealing with action scenes - use the senses, taste, touch, sound, etc. You can build some pretty solid scenes this way.

Also, I think you should use more names in this chapter. I don't think you accomplish anything by keeping their names a secret throughout half of this chapter. Names make it much easier for readers to understand who is doing what and with all the excessive pronouns, he/she, it can sometimes get a little confusing.

Overall, I do think this story has potential and it reads like an anime which is cool. But, there are still things you can work on to make this even better. Use more description to build concrete imagery and work on being more fluid with your choice of sentences and words. It's nothing more writing and practice can't help.

Let me know if you need anything else, I'll be happy to help.

All the best,
-Pink





The roots of education are bitter, but the fruit is sweet.
— Aristotle