Sinful Pride - Chapter 2 (Revised)

Hello there, kyou!

Here to you-know-what.

Kyousuke wrote:

Chapter 2

Death huh…
Despite the adrenaline that made me grin and care less, I still could feel presence of death around. It was waiting for its turn to claim more lives. Its terror was petrifying, I felt my body become heavy, my instinct of self-preservation was telling me to run away…
No matter how many times I fought with weapons, it always felt like that.#FF0000 "> (This is a good starting paragraph and I say I like it. But maybe one thing I want to clarify is the structure of this, maybe try to make it into one paragraph or something. just a suggestion though. )

Out of us four #FF0000 ">(If you say 'us', I think you are saying that they're not your enemy or something like that. Maybe try saying it like this: "Out of the three....")the first one to act was the archer. With more confidence than his companions he started pulling an arrow, which could call death with just a single hit. I couldn’t allow that to happen, not to me. I wasn’t afraid to throw my knife at him to get rid of him, because I was always thoughtful about my equipment.

Just as my old man kept telling me – being thoughtful and carrying more with you can sometimes do more than you’d imagine.
He was right, all his teachings were passed down on me and I used them well. Under my plain looking wanderer clothes#FF0000 ">, I wore a chain mail top, behind long sleeve on my left had I wore a long chain mail glove. Both were hidden from the sight and that was something those three couldn’t know.

Confident in my equipment, I grabbed the knife at its top and threw it with all my might at the archer, penetrating his leather armor like butter. He failed to dodge the knife that hit him at his #FF0000 ">("through his chest", perhaps?)chest, making him #FF0000 ">to fall on the ground with a deafening cry of pain.
I had an advantage of surprise as both of them looked at their companion instead of me. I immediately rushed towards the spear-man to render his spear useless #FF0000 ">(useless spear)in close combat. Having evaded his reckless try to stab me#FF0000 ">, I hardened my hand palm and hit his neck with enough strength to make him suffocate. He fell to his knees while holding onto his neck.

I felt presence of third behind me, aware of the sword#FF0000 ">, I turned around swinging my left arm to block possible swing. He indeed did swing, though thanks to the glove on my left hand#FF0000 ">, I forced his sword to the side, giving me a chance to hit him with my right hand too. Even though my tricks were cowardly, I cared more about survival. I hit his jaw with my fist from below for maximal efficiency.

As it was expected, h#FF0000 ">e lost his consciousness and #FF0000 ">fell like a log to the ground. To make sure he won’t #FF0000 ">(wouldn't) wake up second time I forced my whole body to support my fist to hit his solar point.

It was evident that the fight was over, I fully exhaled and inhaled to calm down my senses. Afterward#FF0000 ">, I walked to the archer to pull off my knife and clean it with some grass at a side of the road.

In the end I don’t feel a thing from killing them eh.

My hands were dirty with many lives I took. #FF0000 ">(Try rephrasing or rewording that part, it seems awkward)Even though it always happened in a self-defense, in the eyes of others#FF0000 ">, I was a sinner meant to be punished. To show myself once again how people look at me#FF0000 ">, I looked around me at all the workers in the rice fields. They kept their distance from me and I knew they hoped that I’d get caught by officials. Though that was not ever going to happen, not as long as I was alive.

Without anything else disturbing my morning life#FF0000 ">, I looked around myself #FF0000 ">(me or just try erasing 'myself')once again to find the girl. She remained at the same place where I left her. Worried by that fact#FF0000 ">, I rushed #FF0000 ">to her and looked at her closely.

Her eyes were closed, her face had a troubled expression. I put my two fingers at her neck to check her heart beat. Once I made sure her heart beat is stable#FF0000 ">, I checked her temperature and almost reacted as if I touched something hot. Her forehead was hot, I could tell she had a temperature.

Makes me wonder how much she actually pushed herself to get a fever… I guess she’d have trouble moving for some time. Heh, what a troublesome fellow.

Thankfully for her I had a great herbal knowledge and I was confident in being able to help her. I had a few herbs with myself in my small bag, though I lacked one for muscle relaxation and the only place to find it were nearby mountain forests.

Aware of pressure from time#FF0000 ">, I carefully pulled her on my back and leaned forward to have it easier to move. I was sure there were more people bound to cross this road soon and being nearby three bodies is never a good thing.

I was right when I reminded myself about #FF0000 ">the possible trouble. Far in a distance I could see a group of horsemen forcing their horses to run as fast as possible, they certainly looked like if they had a really urgent matter. I had to think of a plan and yet my time was quite short.

I looked at the girl’s face over my shoulder. She needed medical care really soon and I couldn’t let her be due to a set of own rules I pridefully follow. If I save somebody, which happened many times before, I can’t have that person die in front of me as long as I can help it.

Though fever is just a sickness, it’s a deadly one many people underestimated. Filled with obligation to finish what I started#FF0000 ">, I looked again at the group of horsemen and let out a slight laugh.
Haha, if life was so easy I’d be surprised. Let’s see what today’s day has prepared for me.

Without anything else disturbing my morning life#FF0000 ">, I looked around myself once again to find the girl.

I was going to review this when--- what the? 'under full revision?"
and I was like " oh noes!" when I saw Coco's review...

am I too late?

Thanks, I'll see what I can do ^^' Just the problem is that I'm the only one who knows English in my family and also many of 'awkward' or non-scenery-description moments are easily solvable with a knowledge of 1st chapter, where I described the surroundings, the people he fought in 2nd chapter and the girl. (F.e. you'd find out there why she was so desperate and so on). I'll take a look at all the things I can change thanks to your review, thanks =)

Though, thanks!
Kyou

Hiya Kyou! Coco here as requested. I hope I don't dissappoint!

Here goes...

Kyousuke wrote:Death…
I was afraid of death, my senses sharpened from my imagination. My chain-mail #FF0000 ">glove on left hand, which was long enough to reach my elbow, was making quiet, #FF0000 ">yet for silence noisy sound as I made a fist. The air felt heavy together with my own body. Though the feeling was slowly fading away, the other myself was forcing its way to the surface.

Kyousuke wrote: A first one to break the motionless situation was an archer.

Kyousuke wrote: He pulled the arrow and was about to aim at me.

Kyousuke wrote: It’s up to you. I whispered in a thought to my other self.

Kyousuke wrote:I rushed to a spear-man first, using his body as a cover from #FF0000 ">[the] archer’s vision. Having evaded the spear #FF0000 ">[I'm confused, isn't he trying to escape the archer's arrow?] I was in an advantage as it is pretty useless #FF0000 ">[To me the words 'pretty useless' ruins the whole tone of this piece. I mean, this is a battle, right?] in really close combat. I wasn’t close enough for #FF0000 ">[a] precise strike with knife, but as the spear-man stretched his spear #FF0000 ">[you've mentioned 'spear' too many times. Maybe you can use the word 'weapon' instead] forward and weakened his stability I grabbed the spear with my left hand and pulled, forcing the spear-man to me. #FF0000 ">[again, way too many spear's in this sentence]
Close enough. #FF0000 ">[Nice, from this line we get a sense of your MC's personality and attitude without sounding unrealistic]

Using the moment I quickly cut the spear-man's throat with my knife. He let go of his spear, leaving it in my use. Before he fell to the ground, I threw the spear on the ground ahead of me and rolled to the side to evade possible attack from a swordsman. Once stabilized, I grabbed my knife at its top and threw it at the archer, hitting his chest.
One left.

I grabbed the spear from the ground and turned around to the swordsman. He definitely wasn’t a professional - he tried to swing straight-down at me, but I had a spear. I stabbed him in the heart and stepped back to evade the falling sword.
It’s over. #FF0000 ">[I'm drowning in a sea of spears....]

The fight was over, another three lives on my account. Even though I never killed in another situation than self-defense, kill is still a kill. No matter the cause, in the eyes of others I was a sinner and that never changed. #FF0000 ">[Lovely little paragraph here. Good job! ]

I slowly walked to the archer and pulled off my knife. I cleaned it with grass and looked around me. It was obvious that the workers #FF0000 ">[were?] watching, though now they were trying to keep their distance from where I was.

Am I that scary? Guess I am eh… Wait, I’m forgetting something. Ah right! The girl!

I looked around me on the ground and noticed her #FF0000 ">[awkward sentence] – she was still at the same place where I left her. Worry stepped into my heart #FF0000 ">[awkward], I rushed to her.

“Oi, are you still present on earth?” #FF0000 ">[very awkward dialogue, what an odd way to ask someone whether they're still alive ]

The wind was the only #FF0000 ">[thing] breaking the silence while I waited for a response. I put my finger on her neck and felt a deep relief – she was still alive, her heart was beating. The effort I put into the fight had payed off so far.

The good mood I had before slowly found its place in me again #FF0000 ">[awkward sentence], I started smiling.
“Don’t know #FF0000 ">[get rid of the 'how', it doesn't make sense] about you, but I think we should change places and see what we can do about your health.” #FF0000 ">[again, very awkward dialogue]
From the side I must have looked insane, talking to myself. I felt like it though, the lonely time of wandering all alone makes one want to talk with somebody from time to time. #FF0000 ">[I don't understand, why would your MC look insane?]

I carefully pulled her on my back and held her legs with both arms so she wouldn’t fall. I felt how she locked her arms around my neck. I was surprised she did that when unconscious, but then I thought it might be the reaction to body warmth. I looked for a moment at her face out of curiosity.

She was sleeping soundly, unaware of outside world. Despite the fact she was so desperate #FF0000 ">[desperate for what? Elaborate] not that long ago, her face looked truly peaceful. So peaceful that even I felt at peace.
“Heh, but still. So much trouble for a stranger… Well, isn’t the first time.” I murmured to myself and started walking.

I didn’t think I’d get to a city soon and I was sure she needed some care after breaking her body like that #FF0000 ">[like how?]. After a few seconds of thinking I decided that I’d try to find some herbs and provide her care with them as I had a great herbal knowledge #FF0000 ">[very awkward sentence]. I had some with me already, but they weren't the best choice for her. #FF0000 ">[why not? you need to elaborate, if your MC has such great herbal knowledge, have him ponder over what would be best to use, it adds personality]

However, that soon was out of the plan #FF0000 ">[awkward sentence, try "however, that plan was soon out of the question']. Far ahead I sighted a group of horsemen rushing #FF0000 ">[take away the 'on a road'] towards me. I was surrounded by spacious rice fields and running away from horses in this condition was out of the question. If I tried to use workers as camouflage, I wouldn’t get far without them pointing at me once #FF0000 ">[the] horsemen arrive#FF0000 ">[d], I wasn't sure I'd make it to the distant forest in time. The situation truly looked bad, my mood was shaking.

“Oh well, I’d be surprised if life was so easy to begin with.” I shook my head a bit. I looked once again at the girl.

“Let's face the challenge, shall we? At least it's not going to be boring.” I started walking again, watching the horsemen shorten the distance between me and them while humming to keep more or less good mood.