Rock Solid - Ch1

I have to say I'm intrigued by the plot, but I'm sorry to say I'm less than impressed by the writing. oo"

First off, this would actually qualify as well-written if you clean up the voice. This one has voice that's all over the place - it's not consistent. At times it sounds teeny-boppy, and then at others it sounds a lot more mature, and this leaves a confusing impression with the reader.

Let's take examples of this.

Jeffrey, what a catch.

Very teenage when combined with the sentence before it.

Relaxed movement, speaks with himself, various mood expressions. Is he even mentally stable? I have an odd feeling about this.

Mature all of a sudden.

Inconsistent voice leaves the reader unsure of what to think about the narrator. See, if you kept a mature voice all throughout, we'd know Mary's characteristics with a good deal of certainty, given this is third person close. However, if you jump from one voice to another, it makes the whole thing difficult to follow because it feels like more than one person is talking - that is, it almost feels like Mary has a lot of personalities. oo"

Pick one voice, use a vocabulary level and sentence structure consistent with the voice, and it'll help loads with your characterization (although you already did a pretty decent job with that, given how messy the voice is).

Also, I'm fairly sure that if you broke up your longer sentences into several instead of using commas, this will flow much better. It's a little clunky because there are a lot of commas and not enough full stops in here. I'll use another example from your piece.

She doesn’t care about any risks, her curiosity is more than just burning, she just has to know why, why he is the only man that escapes her control; doesn’t fall for her tricks, doesn’t get influenced, manipulated, nothing.

This is a little long and difficult to get through. Short and precise would fit better. Let me show you.

She doesn't care about any risks. Her curiosity is more than just burning - she just has to know why, why he's the only man that escapes her control, doesn't fall for her tricks, doesn't get influenced, manipulated, nothing.

Breaking it up into two sentences and using an em-dash instead of a comma works better here, as you can see. Try to go through the piece and chop the sentences into two when you can. It'll help lots.

Another note is that while this is good in that it has conflicted and it doesn't dilly-dally, I'd like to see more descriptions, actually. Although I enjoy more minimalist pieces (love them, actually), I'd like to note that they do give a sense of the surroundings with a few well-placed words.

Sure you mention "city park" and falling leaves, but these are generic. I'd like to see more unique details about this place - maybe it's the old acacia tree near a rickety bench or a strange fence lining the walkway, or something as simple as a faded "Stay off the grass" sign. Little things like these are the ones that make the setting come to life.

Think of your setting as another character - it has another personality and brings something new to the table. It's something else your audience can stay in love with, another thing they can stay in the story for. Thus, try to characterize it every once in a while. The setting should be a secondary character, only rarely main, because if the setting's a main character, then it might detract too much attention from the actual story.

I'd also like to advise you to stay in one POV. See, here, you switch from third person close Mary to third person close Jeffrey. It's a bit jarring - when you go with third person close, you stick with one person all throughout the narrative. You don't see Harry Potter jumping to Ron's POV, no? No. You see Rowling stick with Harry all throughout the novels.

Similarly, it's weird if you shift POVs in a single chapter. If you'd like to show both of their POVs, then maybe do it through alternate chapters (still not what I'd recommend) or omniscient (but then you'd have to show your hand all the time). Honestly, I think your best route at the moment would be to follow Jeffrey's POV, or to do alternate chapters (which I don't like, but honestly and objectively speaking, it's possible to pull them off well).

Your pacing's also off the charts - it's so fast I barely had time to blink. Try to slow down and breathe the roses a little more. At this point, you're trying to ease the reader into your world, so you don't need to punch them in the face with so much action yet. If you slow this down somewhat (maybe by prolonging the part where she trails Jeffrey - not too long, though), it'll be much better and the fight scene will be comparatively stronger.

Your grammar here is a little stiff, but Woot's picked most of it up, so I won't repeat myself here. Just remember what I said about sentence structures and breaking up sentences, and this should be fine. Pacing's also a problem, but that's something I'd worry about last, given some people like faster novels and I'm just one of those kinds who likes little conflicts before the big one.

Anyway, you know where to find me if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

Octave

Your characters intrigue me. I want to know more about this girl and supposed bad guy. I have a sense that not everything is as it seems, and that mystery is what makes me curious. However, I think your clarity and consistency could be improved in this piece.

You seem to switch between present and past tense, and it can be a tad confusing at times. I would pick a tense and stick with it throughout your piece. Consistency will make your piece much easier to read. The other thing that struck me, is halfway through your piece the italicized section goes from Mary's thoughts, to the Jeffrey's. I thought those thoughts were Mary's, until I realized they could not be. I would choose one character's thoughts to be italics and find some other way to communicate the other's thoughts.

The fight scene felt a little off to me. At that point, we did not have a name for this Jeffery, so I was unsure as to who was doing and saying what. You really need to elaborate here. Put in more identifying features so we can tell the two men apart. I will put more specific points in the spoiler, but the general theme here I think is simply to elaborate more on the environment. Give us more on the locations of characters, the people that surround them in the park, the noises or the park. I think that might clear up some of the confusion and give some context.

Another thing I noticed was your prose got a bit wordy in places. If you tighten up your prose, your piece will definitely be better. I would suggest printing this off and doing one thorough read-through, just focusing on reducing word count. If you can cut something with out impacting the integrity and meaning of your piece, I would cut it. If you can reword something to say in two words what you previously said in six, do it. It's amazing how much it can improve a piece. That general rule has helped me a ton.

Nitpicks, Examples and Such:

Spoiler

There are many couples in the park, he's looked at every couple with a sorrow in his eyes, yet he smiled.

This is an example of a verb tense issue. The first verb (has looked) is in present tense, while the second verb is in past tense (smiled). While either tense is okay, as long as you use the same one throughout, I might suggest you stick with past, since that is what the majority of this story is written in. To fix this specific example, you just have to strike the "has" in front of "looked". If you read carefully for these kind of errors, I am sure you will be able to catch them.

Trying to make the least noise She noiselessly follows him, paying full attention to every detail she can spot.

An example of how you might be able to reduce wordiness.

Mary doesn't exactly hear what the man's said, but she knows it won't slide easily, not when a woman is involved.

A women is not mentioned in this part of the piece. How is she involved. I thought this was just a fight between two men? You mention "other women" later in this piece as well. Some elaboration is needed.

Despite the cold mind she feels a slight urge to hurry, to get closer. Her legs do it themselves. So much for self-control.

What is a "cold" mind? That adjective seems odd to me. Also, I am assuming that Mary not moving on her own accord has something to do with the sci-fi aspect of this piece. Unless, it's just one of those normal guttural reactions that override rationality. Either way, intriguing.

Her mind’s still organized, but as she knows herself, her body is not the mind. No comforting words or strategies help, she’s led by something of his she doesn’t understand. There’s no other way.

Once again, I assume this has to do with the fact that Jeffery has some strange, extra-human power, which would relate to the sci-fi part. I only bring it up, because if it's not an extra power, it dosen't seem very realistic. But I'm sure it is.

Sounds like he’s making fun of her, but is he, really?

Another tense issue. Should read, "It sounded like he was making fun of her, but was he, really?

Vision and senses black out for Mary, an Jeffrey’s accurate Jeffrey’s chop at her neck has knocked her unconscious and no sound’s been was made

Your order of words, seems to be a bit off. It should be Jeffrey's accurate chop, instead of the other way around. I changed the verb tense as well.

Your ideas here are rather intriguing! The magic/ability system you have is really different. Let me know if you have any comments or questions!

w