~Gone
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I only read like the first pargraph and it just did not make me want to read any more
Hello again Kyousuke! I'm here to review yet again.
First, the script, dialogue didn't work. It was almost unorganized looking and drew too much attention and confusion. I'd stick to the normal way of presenting dialogue. This isn't a script, it's a story.
Second, there were a lot of grammatical errors. They can be sighted easily by going through it one good time, but I'll point out a few to give you an idea:
Get rid of the hesitation (...) at the beginning. It looks sloppy and it's not needed. Hesitations are not needed at the beginning of a sentence, no matter what.
There was just one word too many for me. It wasn't needed and the sentece flows and sounds much better just by taking out one word. Unfortunatly, you did this quite a bit, but I think a quick read through and you will be able to see those and fix them.
The sentence before was so unorganized that you didn't get a clear picture. Plus I'm pretty sure 'beautifulness' is not a word
Next, you have A LOT of repetition. If you use the same word over and over the reader will get bored and not be as interested. I won't point these out because they are easily spotted by just reading through it again. (If you can't tell I'm a big fan of reading through your work multiple times!
Last, I've saved the very best for last, is your description has gotten so much better. Thank you!
Lovely sentence. The description, again, is so much better. And with a little tweaking and more hard work I know you can make beautiful sentences.
Edited ^^ I thought of using a bit script style for dialogues as in chapter 1 it's a lot of dialogues as I hadn't come up with anything else while they walked where they should =)
Hey! I'm Oynx here to give you a review!
First, it dragged on without any description. Now, I'm a little biased because I am a sucker for description, but even so, there was hardly any in this passage. Your story just kept going on with 'he said,' 'she whispered' and etcetera. As you can imagine, that gets quite annoying.
Now, it seems that you have a good story going on, so keep that, but I would rewrite it entirely. Add much more decription and don't say things in just boring, dull, plain words. For example -
This was the most irratating because you set the reader up for this beautiful description and...nothing. You say there is an excellent view, okay...and? Explain it.
Many authors have trouble with this. Myself included. It's the "Showing not telling." I'm sure you've heard it. Explain what's so excellent about it. Are colors splashed across the sky from the rising sun?
Also, your quotes and how they started at the bottom bugged me so much that I almost quite this. That's one of the first things I suggest you fix.
Last, you give the reader information dumps through dialouge. It's okay, sometimes to do this. When you need to give the reader some help to understand, but you've got to be sneaky about it.
But, when you did this, you did it way too much and it was way too obvious. You have to be super careful with this.
When I read this I sort of just stared blankly at my computer screen. Obviously this is important information but you just dump it on the reader and that's that. You don't just slide it in there in a way that's either casual or dramatic, it's just there.
Either take that out and put it in in a more appropriate time or make it flow with the rest of your story better. (:
I hope that I'd helped and I hope to see a revised copy of this soon.
~Oynx