Young Writers Society

Hey Kyou! I'm here to offer up a few points, but I'll skip the line by line review because honestly, I've no time for it right now.

First up, you have a tumultuous love affair with adjectives in this piece. No, seriously. That's fine and everything, but as a reader, I'd like to see a little less adjectives. I mean they're okay - but everything in moderation, am I right? Let me point out to you exactly why you have a problem with adjectives.

The#FF0000 "> sweet scent of #FF0000 ">summer field flowers tickles my mind, sweeping away the ground below me with a #FF0000 ">deaf lullaby of mixed sun and breeze upon my skin. My fingers brush aside#FF0000 "> silk-like petals as I walk, feeling the touch of #FF0000 ">pleasantly cold grass with each step. Peace fills the air, but to my surprise it saddens me - Ive just realized I don't know where I am.

Maybe for others it's not an awful lot, but I'm picky about description. >> On a whole, the flow is very clunky. I suggest revising that paragraph heavily, mostly because it made me skeptical of the rest of the story. It sounded a bit cheesy and more than a little expected. Plus, it reads kind of overdramatic. You might want to tone down the mood there. Again, everything in moderation.

Now I'll be completely honest. I dislike prologues. They're strange things, often unneeded and killing the whole story before it starts. I'll hand it to you - this prologue didn't quite make me all annoyed like most of other prologues do. However, I'm afraid I can't say I love it either. I'm not sure why I need to see this scene now and why you can't just show it later. oo (But that could be my bias against prologues speaking.)

Even worse, it's a dream. I'm not a big fan of starting with dreams, but I think I'll give you a pass for that one because it seems dreams will figure importantly into your plot (or I hope it does, anyway).

On your MC, I can't say I hear his voice right. It's ...not quite extraordinary enough. It's meh at best, and annoying at its worst. I can't tell why. I think it's because your MC tends to strike me as a little bit of a drama queen at the moment - I don't have any clue who this girl is, why she's so important to him, and even worse, I don't care because I'm not quite invested in your character yet.

This kind of scene is supposed to be sad, if I'm not mistaken (or bittersweet, at the very least). It just doesn't hit me right because it lacks grounding. I don't know any of these people - they're just nameless figures. If, for example, I tell you about a heinous crime that happened to this one girl, you might be horrified, but not as much as if you actually knew her. If you actually knew her, then you'd freeze up, and something in you feels hollow and you're a little angry at the world for letting this happen to someone like her, never mind that you didn't know her that well. You'd be a bit hollow inside, and it'll give you this sick feeling in your gut - something that goes, Oh God, things like that do happen. Because you just never thought they could happen to someone you know.

Similarly, this scene is much weaker than it could be because we don't know the characters. I suggest letting the reader know the character before using such a scene.

On another note, your flow is all over the place. Your dialog is a bit stilted. It doesn't sound right. Maybe more contractions will help the flow and the dialog? ^^" It's not that your flow is terrible - it's decent, but I think it could be much better. As it is, it sounds a bit stiff and overly formal. Clean it up a bit, unless your main character's voice /is/ like that, in which case we have a bigger problem. oo"

Your main character doesn't seem to be able to hold the narrative, or at the very least, I don't feel too close to him. He partly feels like a puppet you're jerking around. oo" Again, I think it's the dialog. It sounds super duper forced. ><" Try to read it out loud and imagine yourself saying that. It sounds a bit awkward, no? I know you're not your character, but you know what I mean. I hope. >>"

Also, I honestly didn't like the "I didn't like killing you," bit. That made it feel a bit fake to me. I mean, if you killed someone and it's haunting you, I don't think it's easy to say it out loud and admit that yes, you did kill her. Yes, it was your fault. Yes, her blood is on your hands. You you you - your fault your bad stupid unforgivable mistake - do you see where I'm going? oo" If it truly haunts him, he'd be trapped in this circle of guilt (even if she told him not to feel guilty).

I'd also like to see more thoughts from the main character. ^^

Anyway, cheers~ I hope you find this review helpful. It's just my two cents, though, and you're the one who really knows this piece so do as you will. You know where to find me if you have any questions!

Sincerely,

Octave

I thought you said you changed this bit?

Kyousuke wrote:
The sweet scent of summer field flowers tickles my mind, sweeping away the ground below me with a deaf lullaby of mixed sun and breeze upon my skin. My fingers brush aside silk-like petals as I walk, feeling the touch of pleasantly cold grass with each step. Peace fills the air, but to my surprise it saddens me - Ive just realized I don't know where I am.

As far as I can see, nothing has changed. So no point in reviewing again. Let me know once it is edited.

Hello, Kyousuke.

First of all I'd like to say that the premise is interesting. Though a few things I noticed:

Your opening paragraph,

Kyousuke wrote:

Prologue

It could be said that nowadays we – the average folk - are nothing more than just numbers or part of statistics, simply nothing meaningful for ourselves. Are we really that replaceable as numbers make us? That worthless? I do not want to be just another number.

It's kind of preachy and a bit overdone. You could simply say,

Nowadays we're nothing more than numbers, and statistics. We're replaceable and our existence pointless. I do not want to be just another number.

Sound a bit better? My version gets rid of the excess fluff, and the preachy-ness of it. Before it came across like a narrator trying to sound all doom and gloom in the voice over, now it sounds like the character's complete opinion. And it still brings the same effect you want after all, by the statement, I do not want to be just another number.

Second is this,

Kyousuke wrote:
The sweet scent of summer field flowers tickles my mind, sweeping away the ground below me with a deaf lullaby of mixed sun and breeze upon my skin.

You haven't use that many adjectives, though more than one a sentence is too many, in my opinion. One is all you need per sentence if you choose the right one.

But my problem with it is that it sounds too flowery and is overly descriptive. The tickling, sweeping, a lullaby of sun and breeze, its so so purple. Less is more, just as quality is better than quantity. Cut back on the excessive description, and preachy parts and I think it's got real potential.

All just my opinion though. Feel free to disregard it if you disagree with my points. Hope it helps in some way though.

i love the idea of your story but it is a bit confusing. i spotted a few mistakes too.

just an another

the an before another should not be there, it sounds and looks very odd.

My fingers brush aside silk-like petals as I walk, feeling the touch of pleasantly cold grass with each step. Peace fills the air,

you describe a feeling of comfort and content here, as if u are a at a beautiful place you enjoy, but then you say

I just don't know where I am, not to mention my head feels heavy and painful.

which is a complete contradiction to the first part, it doesnt quite come together.

the use of the adverb "shamefully" just did not sound right, it is very bland. i think you need to be careful when using adverbs, and choose them well, they can either make or break your writing.

i must say though, you have made great use of adjectives and your overall image for your story is visible, the story gets my imagination running, and i like that... overall, i enjoyed reading it, once i had read the opening line, i was tempted to read the rest, and thats not easy for everybody to achieve. well done.

xoxo,
"B"

Hello there Kyousuke, as requested!

Direction

It's an interesting prologue. Usually, at least in the books I've read, the Prologue sets the scene and gives details about what is about to unfold in the first chapter -- yours isn't like that at all. It sets up a lot of questions, and is only very vague in why the characters are doing anything at all. Perhaps too vague, but we'll get on to that.

So far there are four (?) characters and only the name for one who's already dead. The mysterious levitating girl seems to be in the MC's dreams, there is a girl in the tent, and a girl in the MC's head as well? I'm sorry, but I'm so confused! Perhaps it would be better to reduce the number of mysterious characters either by saving some 'til the next chapter or giving more information about the current characters! At the moment, as motives and plot is very vague, I'd go for the second option -- perhaps give the prologue a bit more direction.

Also the conflict so far is very centred around stuff going on in your MC's head. That's all well and good, but again it means the story is fairly directionless so far and so I'd be looking forwards to seeing that change in the first chapter at the latest.

Description

I dunno. Sometimes it's lovely, and sometimes it's a bit overboard.

Sweet scent of summer field flowers tickles my mind

I love the phrase "tickles my mind", but the alliteration of the first six words is just a bit too much for the opening sentence in my opinion -- I can feel my tongue tripping over them which is an instant put-off.

... a deaf lullaby ...

What does that even mean?

Finally, be careful of using adverbs that repeat the meaning of the adjective you've coupled them with.
i.e. "gloriously proud" is not very good, but "pleasantly cold" is great because it's changing the normal meaning of cold.

Dreams

I'm sorry, but it is a bit of a cliché to have mysterious dream sequences in your prologue. Yours is more original than many I've seen, which is good, but I can't help thinking I'm more confused about stuff than ever right now. The dreams are helpful if they make something clear or set up a conflict to be developed through the novel. Yours isn't really like this, it just kind of introduces a character -- that wouldn't be a problem, but there's already so many others introduced in such a short time.

Perhaps you should reconsider where this happens in the story -- maybe you could delay it until later on?

Overall

I think this prologue has real potential. But, and this has just occurred to me, where on earth do the numbers fit in? I liked the introductory paragraph, though I have no idea how it fits in with the rest of the story. The MC can't be an average person considering the amount of dream-people he knows!

Still, you end this on with some awesome dialogue:

"Then get to it, the world's waiting."
"That I will."

Which I think is a fantastic ending. Many writers here can't finish chapters with the correct cadence, but you seem to have that fully under control. I'd like to see the rest of the piece brought up to the same standard, if you can, and definitely some more information for your bewildered readers. I hope this helps!


Charlie