Naivety

I feel like this poem could be relevant to me, but it didn't go far enough into accusing me. Like, I love that you chose, instead of romanticizing naivety, to criticize it. That's already a new move in the philosophy and makes this poem potentially worth reading. But I want it to be specific about the things I'm doing wrong. The things I don't see. And how that could possibly have left me with no good people at my side, since people love good intentions and taking care of people that don't really understand the world yet. What did this person do to end up in such a situation.

When you go for this second draft, I'd suggest trying to include more concrete images. Concrete images serve as anchors for the reader while they're floating among all your thoughts. We need something to get attached to so we don't wander off and get bored! Bring in images that support your tone and message, while bringing vivid life to your poem, and your readers will thank you for it.

I would also, maybe, don't kill me, consider dropping the rhyme. It's cramping your potential to communicate, trying to fit to a certain word that will rhyme. What could you do if you hadn't subjected yourself to such restraints?

Hope this review will be helpful for you, and I'd like to see any edits or future versions you do come up with! I think you've got a great philosophy to explore here, and it's worth the effort to get there. Please PM me if you have any questions or comments about this review as well.
Good luck, and always keep writing!

Hey, Katie here to review!

Okay, first off. What I liked about this.

- I love how in the stanza's there were two pairs of rhyming lines. I love this, because I'm a lyric writer, and poetry writer, so I think that with the theme of this, it fits along perfectly. I also love how you describe how the person has every thing that a normal every-day person would want, in the second stanza.

- You ask alot of questions in this stanza, which I like because it keeps me thinking. Does the narrorator think that, or is he/she being sarcastic.

-Capitalization is correct, punctuation is correct, and you and each stanza with a solid period/question mark. Grammar is correct, from what I've seen.

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Now, the negitives.

- In the last stanza, you recited the word "side". That doesn't really sound good or flow with the ending. Try something like "collide" or something like that. XD Try to add a different word there, to substitute.

...That was really all. :3

Really good job overall!

-Katie

Really good. I do agree with everyone that it kind of conveys the idea of ungratefulness rather than naivety. But all in all, it is a good one. Cheers!

I like how you have pointed out the flaws of some humans. I myself am a poet who loves to create satires that do the exact same thing. I agree with SocialSuicide when she says that your poem is short and sweet. I too love that in poems. And yes, you didnt overdo it but I think it could have used a little bit of overdoing. It wasn't until the last stanza that I got the message. If I just read the first part, then I would think that it was about someone being ungrateful. Same with the second part. You should put more detail to what you are going for in the last part to add emphasis to the ignorance of humans. Other than that, I love what you are pointing out and how you are doing it.

I like this poem, however, to me it seemed that you were talking about ungratefulness instead of a narrow mind. But then again that could be me. Either way, it's a wonderful poem that is very clear and to the point. I also like how short it is because you give us just enough in the poem and didn't overdo it. Nice job.

This is so beautiful