~Gone in the past~
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Shinda!
Well I liked this chapter. Already things are processing. I'm left wondering what their world is like and what is going on. I want to know about their connection, but now I am also wondering about their whereabouts. I love your description, very detailed and everything. Having a complicated story like this you must watch out to make sure everyone understands what is happening, otherwise it might get too confusing and the reader my just give up... which is not a good thing.
So far, so good!
Deanie x
your writing just blows my mind! I'm really loving this novel so far. I wanna know what happens next! My novel is really rather puny next to this haha!I adore your word usage and such! Keep rock'n
Hello again! I said I'd stop by, so here I am!
I like the continuation of this. In fact, the way you started the chapter into the dream sequence was intriguing! The intro was quite the contrast to the end of chapter one, so it certainly clued the reader in immediately that we switched gears. Well done on that part! It was still a bit confusing, but that gets into more grammar/structure again. You know what you're seeing, so it's just a matter of making it as clear as possible for the reader. (It wasn't very clear to me how to picture it, but it's also really late at night, so I could just be sleepy.)
As a whole, I'm a bit confused as to where this dream sequence ended/when we started flying/when we woke up in the rubble. I think working with the details like I mentioned before will help with that. I'm not quite sure how it all relates here and how it's significant. Tying it all together and smoothing the transitions from one spot to the next will help clear the confusion of the reader.
A little nitpicky, but there was one point where Jeffrey mentioned wanting to figure things out. He didn't give me any sort of impression of being this huge nerd who's easily distracted by anything science-related. Basically, this seemed humorously out of character by a mile. xD Plus, I would think he'd be more concerned with the fact he's facing some weird out-of-body experience. At least, that all could be cleared up for me!
Finally, I love the technology thing explained at the end. I'm even more interested in where this is going. That all could be fleshed out more, I think, to make it flow better and the picture be painted prettier. Basically, it's another show-don't-tell thing. It's another great start though, so it only takes a bit of tweaking here and there to flesh that out!
Good work otherwise! I'm intrigued by these strange super-soldiers you've got.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
I like the direction this is taking -- it gets more complicated! Now I want to know more about the world that they are in and what's going on. Why is there so much destruction going on? Why are most of them dead? Who are they?
I liked the whole out-of-body part and the strange energy. You've subtly told the readers more about Jeffrey and I liked the way you did that. I'm not going to pick on grammar, but there are a few grammar mistakes. You've mystified me and I want to get unmystified, as is the nature of humans. Write on before I explode!