Have you ever wondered
About this world’s edge
Of appearance and beliefs?
Or is my question too strange?
Have you ever penetrated
Any flesh to understand
What kind of world lies behind
Crumbling walls of aging brand?
I’ve met a lot of people
And I've dived into serious mess.
In the end I came to a conclusion,
That the edge is blunt, nothing less.
So much blood and so much swear,
Does somebody ever care to stop and think?
I even wonder if we’re moving ahead
Since most of aesthetics have disappeared in a blink.
If there are still some with a sharp edge,
I wish there were more and I wish them well.
If you want to know what about the rest,
The answer would be - they as well may go to hell.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
This is a pretty old post and I didn't think I'd get any more on it =) Thank you for the reviews, I'll look into it once I get over writing chapters =)
Hi there!
First off, let me say that this is a great poem. You seemed to have put quite a lot of thought into this. There's great imagery and emotion in this. It seems that you may have tried to rhyme, but it didn't work out very well. I suggest going over it again and see if you can make the rhyme scheme work. If it doesn't work out, this poem will be fine without the rhyming. I really don't have any corrections to make to this. I think I mentioned one little thing below.
I love this part, it's got great imagery:
Just a little nitpick:
Overall this is a good poem. Keep writing!
Ok, so before anything, hey!
I really like this poem, it's nice to read questions that can't really be answered. Really, I love how you put this. It's great. Now for my review.
And of course, read, write and write some more.
I think you should just completely take out your rhyme scheme. Most of your rhymes are more slant rhymes anyway, and some of your lines just don't rhyme at all. In a few places it felt like you were setting aside grammar to make a place for the rhyme. I love rhyming poems, and hate when people tell me not to rhyme, but sometimes they are right. There are just some poems that sound better with no rhyme. I think this is one of them.
Second, there are some lines that are either too long or too short. You need to work a bit on your rhythm and the flow of the lines. It wasn't bad, but it could be better.
I think the last line of the first stanza could be improved, it felt out of place.
You had a great ending, however, way to wrap up the idea of your poem and end it with such a strong opinion.
All in all, good job, work on it some more, but it's very good.
Hey, I'm reviewing your work today. Happy Review Day!
I have to admit, your question is abit too strange for me. It seems very down to the point with that mystery and strangeness...I got a very good impression of the poem, my imagination was whirling around the concept. It made me think a whole lot, you have enlightened my mind with this poem.
As for nitpicks, I see you've edited and I can't find any. Good work! It doesn't have to be perfect and as Scarlett said, nothing will! I support her with her nitpicking notions that perfect is not always best. Very good work here, so I wish you the best in your writing travels and I hope to see your work more often in the featured works section on the homepage. So all in all a very good work and you deserve a pat on the back. *Pats Kyousuke on the back*
Hey there, Kyousuke. I'm here to do a bit of reviewing.
This is an interesting poem you have here. I'm not quite sure what to think of it, but I like it. The flow, though somewhat fractured, is good and so is the Rythym...but the imagery? The imagery is brilliant! Simply amazing. I love how you've done this and it's brought out quite an interesting meaning. I'll be sure to be thinking about that for a while now!
Now, as for nitpickings... I'm sadly afraid to say that I've found none. But it's not always a bad thing. The poem is jsut fine exactly how it is. I'm not saying it's perfect, but it is, if you now what I mean? I've never liked perfection and this is perfectly flawed. *nods* That's a good thing, too. For me, anyhow. So, overall, Kyousuke, you have brilliant poem here. And I truly adore it. *clicks like* Thank you for the brilliantly fractured and somewhat amusing poem. Remember, keep it up and never stop writing!
~Scar.
Okay: so, a short review on this, if you don't mind too terribly. Sorry it took me so long to get to this.
So, I liked this; some parts of it were kind of confusing, but you have a really nice subtle rhyme scheme that doesn't dominate your words or make them dependent on it at all. There were some awkwardly worded phrases that I'm going to focus on for the most part:
I didn't really get what you mean about the "world's edge of appearance and beliefs". I mean, I think I get the concept of what you mean, but this starting line should really be stronger, and should be clear to the point that I understand every undertone/subtlety that is involved in this concept, but I don't really.
This stanza kind of bothered me as well, especially in the first two lines-- you might think of rephrasing those.
Another problem that I found in this was your tone. It's inconsistent with the language. You have some really nice word choice, but some other times that felt like it was being switched around to fit in rhymes. For example:
With the context and word choice surrounding this phrase, I think that this sounds too simplistic. This happens a couple times through the text-- you could probably see them if you went through it again.
Overall, for having English as another language, this was excellent: really impressive. I like the concept, though I think you could be a little bit clearer. Nice word choice.
-Coral-