Young Writers Society

Hey Shinda ^^

Seeing as you posted it I decided I might as well read it here. I liked it. You use emotions very well here, and we can feel Brigitta's pain and sadness and although we don't fully understand why Bryan is leaving, we can still feel empathy for the character. You write well, with a nice style, so it's really easy to lose yourself in the story. I'm looking forwards to the next chapter, and I'm interested to see where the story will go.

Now, for a bit of grammar. Sometimes your sentences are a bit too long, and run on. I think you need to use less commas, and start using full stops. For example:

“I wish you had you slept well and in the morning read the letter I left you. What do you want to hear from me now? Do you want me to explain while (a necessary change of wording to make this sentence work) my voice is cracking and I can’t tell apart the tears of my soul from the rain drops? You’re worrying me sick that(sometimes you forget connecting words) you’d catch a cold.”

These are just little changes, but it improves the grammar a lot. I'm sure you can find them yourself if you look through, and correct them. But apart from that, it was good

Deanie x

Okay for the most part your writing is good. There are no spelling mistakes and not too many grammatical errors. I'm just noticing an overuse of commas, which I'll get to in a second. Something else I noticed was your word tense usage. It was a bit strange, switching back and forth from past to present.

i.e. "She remembers him talking about his past, the shock was strong enough to change her viewpoint on life, and that past is back to take him away."

You start off in present tense, then change to past, and then return to present again. To make it read a little smoother and more sensibly you should consider writing completely in past tense.
i.e. She rememberED him talking about his past; the shock was strong enough to change her viewpoint on life, and that past WAS back to take him away.

but enough about tenses. onto other things.

i.e. "She's known he'd leave one day,"
--> She knew he'd leave one day. (or you could say "someday")

i.e. "[...] morning read the letter I left you, what do you want to hear [...]"
--> [...] morning read the letter I left you. What do you want to hear [...]

i.e. "You’re worrying me sick you’d catch a cold.”
--> I'm worried sick you'll catch a cold.
or
--> You're worrying me sick that you'll catch a cold.
I do like the play on words here, the whole worrying sick and catching a cold thing. very crafty.

i.e. "She weakens her grip [...]"
--> Her grip weakened [...]

i.e. "I wouldn’t trust anybody else all those lives at stake"
--> I think you missed a word here: I wouldn't trust anybody else WITH all those lives at stake.

i.e. "He rolls his eyes, “close your eyes.”"
--> There's really no other word for "eyes" but when you read this line out loud it sounds kind of repetitive. I don't really know any words you could substitute for it, so maybe just try and change it or add something else in so you're not using the word "eyes" twice so close together.

i.e. "[...] high in the mountains, having put on warm clothes and having made tea as he asked, she proceeds to read the letter [...]"
--> [...] high in the mountains. Having put on warm clothes and made tea as he asked, she proceeded to read the letter [...]"

i.e. "[...] plan we’ve set into motion with Siegfried and Xiuying, our family life [...]"
--> [...] plan we've set into motion with Siegfriend and Xiuying. Our family life [...]

i.e. "and now it points at the cruel reality; all that’s been done can not be undone"
--> cruel reality: all that's been...
or
--> cruel reality. All that's been...

i.e. "I talked with Siegfried yesterday, all our people across these lands are ready, it will all start in eight days at the setting of the sun, Siegfried will take care of the recapitulation tomorrow."
--> too many commas, connecting separate sentences into one long one.
--> I talked with Siegfriend yesterday; all our people across these lands are ready.
--> It will all start in eight days at the setting of the sun.
--> Siegfried will take care of the recapitulation tomorrow.

i.e. "[...] I’d see the same happen again, I can’t sleep [...]"
--> [...] I'd see the same happen again. I can't sleep [...]

i.e. "I can see it in my mind happening over and over again, I'd go insane,"
--> I can see it in my mind happening over and over again... I'd go insane...

i.e. "Believe in me and we’d meet again, for I’d know there’s a warm home I could return to, and I couldn’t really ask for more.”
--> Believe in me and we'll meet again, for I know there's a warm home I can return to, and I could never really ask for more.