It was a nice summer day when every one was at play. Not a creep of sleep layed on the grass. Find the right light for the game tomorrow night for when the time is right. Click clack were is the flack for all the stars and all the stack's . Fly fly may no one die keep the night right on time yes keep in time . When you find the right time to shine you my fly fly fly fly tonight. For it is time for all little childeren to say goodnight and may in the dreams they will someday fly.
{sorry for how short it is}
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Canary word: Present
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This is pretty cool. You have a gift for internal rhyme.
I understand that you may want to not use a lot of punctuation for effect, and I see why. I think it does work well without a ton of punctuation. However, for greater effect, I'd recommend splitting it up into lines and stanzas. Now, poetry can be anything, so it's not that you have to follow some rule or anything, but I think it would highlight the repetition (which is beautiful, by the way) and the lyrical quality of the piece.
Here's how I would break it up:
"It was a nice summer day
when every one was at play.
Not a creep of sleep lay
edon the grass.Find the right light for the game tomorrow night, for when the time
is right.
Click clack where is the flack for all the stars
and all the stacks.
Fly fly, may no one die
keep the night right on time, yes keep in time.
When you find the right time to shine
you my [did you mean "may"?] fly fly fly fly tonight.
For it is time for all little children to say goodnight
and may[be?] in the[ir] dreams
they will someday fly.
Of course, you don't have to to it my way, do whatever you like. You don't even have to break it up at all, I just think it would help the reader pause and rush in the right places.
Hello WolfeBrooke. Welcome to YWS! I hope you'll have a great time here. (The date you joined this place is pretty cool.
)
Anyway, let's dig into your "poem" and see how you can improve it futher.
Okay! I am confused. Is this meant to be like this or did you write like this on purpose? Did you miss the trick of editing it or was this meant to be a slam poetry? Just curious to know!
There are many things AlfredSymon said, which more or less I wanted to say. I hope I can pick up other stuff than what he said already.
Wait! What? What does this even mean, anyway?
Maybe you could say: "Click clack were the flack" something like that, maybe!
Stack's? What are you talking about here?
How about including a including a comma before keep and after die?
A couple of things to have a look at, here!
1. A comma after the word "shine".
2. You my? What's that? Did you mean "may"?
Overall, the idea of writing it was good. And it was a really sweet poem you wrote. I liked reading it. A bit of improvement on grammar would surely take you to a new level.
Well done on this one and keep writing.
Yo person! Okay, prose-poem here. Let me give it a good look.
So first, there are a number of grammar concerns you need to have a check-see. I tried reading them as poetic conventions, but they just won't let me do so. Note that grammar rules don't always need to apply to poetry, but when writers do bend rules, they aim to produce certain artistic and poetic effects. The grammar conventions in your piece didn't do much, unfortunately. They need coffee, for sure.
"Layed" doesn't exist. Might you mean "lay," the past tense of lie?
Were and is are both forms of be.
You used a subjunctive mood "may" already, so why use a "will." Also, take note where you put your subject (they). Hint: It shouldn't be there.
Also, the various periods scattered throughout the piece, which between spaces. I thought they were conventions, but some periods are placed normally, so I really don't know what you're trying to say with that.
Other notes on form: nope, assonance and rhyme don't make a poem a poem. It's the effect that you get from using these techniques.
Content-wise, although I do like the effort to produce images in a chaotic manner, I don't see a common thread binding them. Prose poetry forms don't necessarily follow a story, but they do have progression, which was executed weakly in your piece, as you alternate from narration to imperatives, switching points of view and all. At one point, the setting is day, the other it's night. You're narrating, then you just talk to us, or somebody within the piece, I dunno.
Also, in poetry, note that ALL lines are relevant, whether in terms of content or effect. What's the use of the summer imagery in your piece? What's the importance of the onomatopoeia in your click clack line? WHY IS THERE DYING WHEN YOU'RE TALKIN' 'BOUT HOPE AND ALL? You have 'em all confused, midear!
Finally, the central idea of your piece, which I presume is flying someday, wasn't built up along the preceding lines of the poem, so the execution in the end was weak.
Room for improvement: other than fixing grammar conventions, try to do a clean-up of lines. Note that you only need to preserve the images that MATTER. Also, it doesn't matter how long or short your piece is. Some pieces have only two lines but get internationally recognized. It's always the effect and relevance lol.
Ur nerdy bff lol,
Alf