Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
My name is Max, and right now I'm enduring the slow and painful
death called "school". But its not all brain dead boring. I can hear
the city walls alarms blaring. I can imagine a Stick ripping past the security
fence and attacking anything alive. Hungry, always searching for flesh, just
then Mr. Dart's last lecture crept into my head.
"Sticks are monsters, but children, they
were like us once."
"But, sir, why are they like that?"
Asked a classmate.
"The sun caused what they look like
children. You have never seen the sun with your own eyes. I haven't ether. But,
the tiny particles called radiation that the sun emits, have strong enough
effects that they cause the mutations, and that is what makes a Stick."
"Sir, I read up on the sun for my report,
and what commonly got through to us when we were on the surface couldn't do
that to us." I stated.
Mr. Dart grinned at that and picked up his
charcoal and drew a picture of our planet and the sun, but something was
different. The Earth had another circle around it.
Almost immediately half the classes' hands flew
up. No one had ever seen Mr. Dart's face light up so much.
"I am pretty sure I know every one of your
questions. You all want to know what this is." laughed Mr Dart.
All the kids nodded with eagerness. No one
talked about the past either because it was forgotten, or the few shards left
were dear and special.
"This is obviously the Earth we live in.
This big circle is what was once called the magnetic field-."
"What is that? I've never heard that name
before." Asked Charlie, a beautiful girl that I had a huge crush on.
"Yes, well miss Kreed, I was about to tell
you that before you interrupted."
She immediately blushed which causing me to
smile and sink into a day dream.
"As I was saying, the magnetic field is
what protects us from the suns harsh rays. But as Mr. Zin said, some still got
by. The worst that would do was give you a sun burn."
"What does this have to do with sticks? I
mean they're just dumb skeletons with some meet on they're bones"
challenged Drak, a bully, but was worse was that he was a smart bully.
"Well, we all know what happened two
hundred years ago correct children?"
All at one almost automatically we said
"The Purge".
"Yes, The Purge. Now children, let me tell
you what really happened."
We all sat a little straighter ready to take
this almost forbidden information into our lives.
" The Purge was not caused by aliens, or
god, or a military power. No, it was caused by the very thing that gave us
life. The Sun."
We all thought this information was amazing, and
yet scary at the same time.
"The sun ripped open the magnetic field and
fried our planet to ash and glass. Luckily, we survived but most didn't and the
ones that did live like we do, in underground cites.. Well, let me tell you
kids there are a lot worse things than the Sticks in the roads. A lot
worse."
" So, the radiation from the sun caused
people like us to change?" I asked.
"The appropriate word is 'mutated' and yes.
It changed us as well. That is why we don't need the sun to live, and why some
of us can see in the dark."
No one knew what to say. I mean what could we
say, really? Is everything we loved a lie? I was scared. We all were scared.
"Now, what I have told you is secret
information. You are all probably wondering, 'why tell us?'.Well, it's because
I am getting shipped out tonight. This is my goodbye present."
He was getting shipped out. Every year to
balance the population, two hundred men and women are sent out to push back the
creatures of the back roads. Many die, and the ones that return are sent away
to the hospital to be locked up. It was supposed to be a honor, but we saw it
as a curse.
"Mr. Carrion.....Mr. Carrion wake up this
instant!"
My head flew back instantly. My eyes wide,
everybody was staring at me and snickering. I fell asleep again for the third
time this week. They will probably inform Jenny about my lack of concentration.
Well, this sucks.
"Yes, Ms. Kale?"
"Don't 'Ms. Kale' me you little brat!"
shouted Ms. Kale.
Ms. Kale hated my guts. I don't know why, but
she does and she never gives me a break. Just keeps on picking on me 'till I
crack and fight back. She was about to render me under a hail of curses, but
luckily, the bell sounded and I was home free. I ran quickly to the school's
computer room, hoping Jack had caught footage of the Sticks.
"Jack, you in here?"
"Yeah. I'm over here" yelled Jack over
the sound of the whirling fans of the computers.
"So did you get any fotage of the
Sticks?"
"Yeah I did, but.... I caught something
else to." Jack said, shivering as he remembered.
"show me, Jack"
"Max, I don't kn-"
"Now Jack"
Jack nodded and turned to his computer and
opened a video file and played it on the projector. The camera feed Jack hacks
into are the Guard towers surrounding the wall inside the fence. At first
nothing was strange just guards standing around. Their mumbles cycling through
the speakers in the room. Then, an ear splitting scream sliced through the
silence. Guards rushed to their stations, sounding the alarm just as at least
twenty Sticks came from the shadows running towards the fence. The guards
opened fire tearing into the dead flesh of the Sticks. But none flinched and
kept running.
For the next five minutes, I watched as the
Territory guards fought the Sticks. Some of them got over the fence and
attacked the soldiers, ripping into their flesh and gorging themselves with a
warm meal. I felt sick but I kept watching. In the end ten men died, but the
horde was pushed back.
"OK Jack, shut it off."
"No Max, watch." Jack said, softly.
I turned back to the screen and watched. Then I
saw what must have terrified Jack. A creature I had never seen before. As tall
as a Stick, but pale with actual flesh and eyes, I watched as it walked up to
the fence without a sound. A guard finally saw and said stop and the creature
did but then the Guard screamed. "Emily? Is that you?" the guard ran
to the fence and opened the door. I gasped out load the gate was never to be
opened for anyone. The other guards were screaming for him to get back and shut
the door but he did not listen. Instead he ran into the creatures arms and
pulled it close, for a second he stood there holding it then in a blur the mans
body was torn in two. There was no sound but the rip and slurp as the creature
buried its mouth into the warm flesh. Then it took the bottom part of the body
and threw it behind it and at once more then ten of the same creatures stepped
out pulling the flesh away. Then a voice deeper and more full of evil then I
had ever heard came through the speakers.
"We are the new owners of this planet,
man's time has gone. Prepare yourselves humans because we ae coming and we will
wipe you out."
The creature then turned and walked away into
the shadows. I sat there till Jack shut of the screen and turned to face me
tears in his eyes.
"Max is it true? Will they come?" Jack
whispered.
"I don't know Jack I really don't. But just
try to stay calm try not to tell anyone I need to go home and think."
Jack nodded and grabbed his bag and left. I sat
in the room thinking. What are these....these Sirens. Its like they could make
people see what they wan't to. Whatever they are they are coming and something
tells me there is nothing we can do to stop them. I got up and left the the
room I turned again to the empty screen.
"Something must be done."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hello WolfBoy! This is my first review so please don't get mad if it's terrible

)

First of all, I wanted to tell you that I think it's great! Your main character has a distinctive voice, and your plot has conflict has been set out. This was a good first chapter and a good start to what is hopefully a great book/series!
You need work on two things: Grammar/spelling/sentence construction and "Show not Tell."
Here are a few examples for G/S/S:
"She immediately blushed which causing me to smile and sink into a day dream." (You most likely meant it "caused" him to smile.)
"Mr. Carrion.....Mr. Carrion wake up this instant!" (There are too many periods and no space between the last period and "Mr. Carrion")
"Yeah. I'm over here" yelled Jack over the sound of the whirling fans of the computers." (No comma in the quotations.)
"Yeah I did, but.... I caught something else to." Jack said, shivering as he remembered." (Again with the number of periods and "to" should be "too.")
"show me, Jack" ("show" should be capitalized.)
"At first nothing was strange just guards standing around." (Should be a comma between "strange" and "guards.")
"A guard finally saw and said stop and the creature did but then the Guard screamed." (This sentence just doesn't really make sense
"But just try to stay calm try not to tell anyone I need to go home and think." (No comma or period between "calm" and "try" and "anyone" and "I.")
"What are these....these Sirens. " (Again with the periods.)
As you can see, you need a bit of work on that
Aside from that, your writing is fluid and interesting, but you need to stop telling the audience and start showing them.
You say, "Asked Charlie, a beautiful girl that I had a huge crush on." Try to find a better way to say this, without just telling the reader.
Try to fix this up an I'll check back soon!
Hello Petrichor and thanks for the review! That once sentence was a train wreck wasn't it. The multiple periods though are for a pause. I am not sure if there is a exact amount of periods needed for a pause but that is what they stand for. Thanks again though and ill make the changes as soon as I can!
When I first started reading this I was thinking about how much I can relate to it. Then you mentioned the monsters and I got rid of that thought.
The story sounds really interesting and I'm eager to find out more! It's great how you wrote about a subject that's relevant to today. I mean, with global warming and all, some people would believe that this might happen.
You need two Os in too.
Are they like zombies, ripping people apart? Anyhow, I really enjoyed it. Good luck with future chapters!
oops a little mistake was hiding from me
I am glad you enjoyed it and I will post the next chapter as soon as I get enough points. I actually have it up to chapter 9 right now. Oh and there is a prologue but for some reason it never was displayed so you have to go into this stories folder. Hope to see your later reviews.
Thank you!
For some reason my prologue wont pop up but there is a prologue you just have to go into the folder. So if you are interested in my story take a look please.
For some reason my prologue wont pop up but there is a prologue you just have to go into the folder. So if you are interested in my story take a look please.