Published April 20, 2008
deleted
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,861 Literary Works • 673,695 Reviews
Hi Wolf! Haven't seen you in a while...
Anyway, add me to the list! I'm interested in seeing where this is going.
1:Hmm... Obviously she's having trouble in school, and seems a bit rebellious. But it also seems like she has kind of a sentimental side, like when she is realizing how beautiful the rain is on the window.
2: I liked the amount of description, though I'm sure I've heard 'pregnant with XX' before.
3: fourteen or fifteen.
In the second part:
I think I've heard 'skeletal' as a way of describing trees before too... I just can't think where, and it's driving me crazy. Have you been recycling stuff from your other pieces?
I love the part on MSN. That was really well done. Nice job!
I'll admit I skimmed here. It didn't seem to really fit in with the rest of the story, for whatever reason. I would tone it down a bit here, or delete some of it, but it's up to you.
Overall this piece drew me in and kept me reading, which is great.
Nice job!
~Lupis
PS: Did I tell you to add me to the list?????
Hello, Wolf -- I've returned for more!
I'm not quite sure how to explain this, but I'll try my best and hope it makes sense. The part sounds as though it's a journal excerpt, being written a half hour after the incident... but the rest of the narrative isn't like that. For example, here's a "corrected" version: "Mrs. Watson had called earlier that night. My mom had come tramping up the stairs, red-faced and angry." I don't know if that made any sense or not.Nitpicks
No YWS? *gasp* Lol.
This is kind of awkward... maybe try: "Trees, black and twisting without their leaves, formed a skeletal gate of trees laced over it, black and twisting without their leaves."
You might want to clarify which door this is, because I thought at first that it was her bedroom door.
I don't like the repetition of "silence/silent." Also, I think that should be "you just HEARD it." Past tense, rather than present.
Huh? I don't use MSN, so I don't know what the (U) means...
You used the word "irritably" to describe Michael's speech a few paragraphs ago. Find a different word. ^_~
_____________
1. Does the MSN thing work, or is it too boring? Yeah, it works. The email addresses add insight to the personalities of your characters -- like some reviewer said before me, *is too lazy to see who.* The only thing that I would change is that the MSN dialogue is a bit too good. Put in some more typos and uncapitalized letters, and left out punctuation.
Another problem I had with this part of the chapter is that time seems to pass too quickly. That short MSN conversation seems to take up a LOT of time, because she starts it right after her parents leave and by the time she finishes it it's already a half hour after she should have put her brother to bed. I don't know when her parents leave, but this seems wrong. maybe make her do some other things BEFORE MSN? Like check/write email, maybe myspace or facebook... or YWS?
I also have to say that I don't like Skye very much. Of course, there's NOTHING wrong with that, (three cheers for terrible characters!) but it's something to think about. A good thing about her is that she's a writer, and I can relate to her that way.
So far, the plot (and characters) seems cliché. I trust you will probably sort that out, though, and this is just the first chapter, so I won't pester you. ^_^
PM me if you want to!
Hope this helps.
~Azila~
Hi, Camille!
I think there should be a "usually" after "I" and before "would." There's nothing wrong with it the way it is, but I think it would flow better if you changed it.Sorry I haven't gotten this to you earlier *grumbles excuses* I'll do separate reviews for part one and part two.
Part one...
Nitpicks
This is awkward -- maybe you could say "...razoring through the steady, rain-pattered silence."
Shouldn't the bold word be "knew?"
Minor detail: hanging around the park? In the rain?!
I would delete "as if" because it's obvious that she's guessing her thoughts. You would only need to say "as if" if it was something that wasn't really possible, like "as if reading my mind" or "as if she knew my thoughts." But guessing is perfectly normal, and it's obvious that that's what Tanya's doing.
Saying "in its turn" is repetitive, because you said "each one" earlier, which emplies the same thing. :wink" I would delete "in its turn."
This is awkward, maybe: "We walked in an uncharacteristic silence until WE REACHED the park, WHERE Tanya turned and said, "Well, see you tomorrow, I guess.""
________________________
Questions:
1. Do you get any feel for Skye's personality yet? If yes, what helped to build up her character? If not, what could I do to improve? So far, she doesn't feel like anything special. She seems to me like a very normal teen going through very normal teen problems. I don't particularly care for her (not yet, anyway). I wouldn't change anything about that yet; there's still the whole rest of the story ahead. But you should definitely think about it. Also, she seems (a little) like you in that she's a writer and... well... she gets grounded a lot. >.< No offense intended, of course!
2. How do you like the style of writing so far? Too much description? Too little? It's very... pretty. About the description: you describe the rain extensively, and beautifully, and I love those descriptions... but you don't really describe anything else. I understand that the rain is a powerful part of the setting, but still--what else does your character notice about her surroundings? Smells, maybe? Think about it.
3. How old do you think Skye is? I dunno... somewhere between 13 and 16, I'd say. It's difficult to tell this early on.
I'm really sorry if I repeated anything: I didn't really look at the other peoples' reviews.
Please don't take this review too harshly! I will be coming back for part two ASAP.
Hope this helps, and you can PM me as always if I was unclear.
~Azila~
P.S. Add me to the list!!
Hey, Camille! Sorry it took me so long to reply.
(questions one and two) I got the impression that this chapter was a lot more plot-driven; and as such I didn't get much more new insight into Skye's character. With your introductory chapters, you're going to want to build information about the characters as you go along. It's what makes first chapters so tough. You want enough plot to draw readers in, but you also want to properly introduce your characters.
A few things you might want to look at:
- Why does she like/care about this boy?
- Why does she have such a rocky relationship with her parents?
(MSN) I thought you dealt with pretty well. However, I would take out the email addresses--on mine, it just shows the name and a time stamp, and it's easier to read. There's so much to skip over with the addresses added.
__
^_^ Good chapter, Camille! As usual, poke me if you need me to clarify something.
Thank you all very much for your excellent reviews!
Skye is fourteen, just so everyone knows. There. Most of you guessed right.
In case anyone's wondering, I won't be doing much editing until I've finished five chapters. (If I try to perfect each chapter before I continue, I never get anywhere.) At the moment, I'm just fixing grammar and stuff -- but as soon as I'm finished ch.5, I'll be revising everything.
I intended for her cares to be slightly... trite, borrowing your adjective, but do they seem too much so?
---
Anyway, thanks, you guys! I love you all.
Cheers,
Camille xox
Really, this is purple prose uneeded info, is it so important the desk mahogany? This just seems so baseless to tell us this. You know what colour mahogany is. You know what colour it is? If it's so important then show us rather than telling
Questions: (please, please answer these in your critiques!)
1. Do you get any feel for Skye's personality yet? If yes, what helped to build up her character? If not, what could I do to improve?
She seemed rather cliche in some ways. Typical teenagers, angst and nilistic. I understand you're trying to write that sort of character but only the verbose prose kept me intrested not the character. I felt she was a bit of a brat truthfully. What you need to do, is make her more realistic but less cliche. Give her something intresting and perky that will wipe away the cliches.
2. How do you like the style of writing so far? Too much description? Too little?
It's very exellently done and innovative but you do have a habit of telling us rather than showing as I point out at the start. A lot of it is uneeded.
3. How old do you think Skye is?
To hazard a guess fourteen or fifteen, too young sounding to be any older. Plus her cares are so trite and contrived.
1. Does the MSN thing work, or is it too boring?
Not the first time I've seen something like this. But it was intresting idea. You give us an idea of personality with the way it shown web address and all.
Overall: The main character bothers me right now she's just too negative and nothing about really intrests me. You need to think why would a person want to read about such everyday things with such a bland character. Hope this helps.
Good luck
VSN
I loveed it. This had the right amount of info to get someone hooked and not so much that the reader is bored. Skye seems like she is suffering from exteme depression or some emotional sickness. I'm wonerding if the guy she like is a jerk or the IM was misinterpreted by Skye. The MSN thng did work it added more effect. I like how you give so little in the plot and leave alot for later parts in the story. Can't wait to find those things out.
Part One seemed far more interesting than Part Two. The second section, full of italics, only served to overwhelm and intimidate the reader. You could solve this problem by turning it into a passage (E.g.: "I sent her emails telling her of the arduous amount of homework...").
Anothet thing: try to cut down on the italics. Used sparingly, they can be effective, but otherwise they become repetitive and lose their impact.
The introduction to your story was absolutely wonderful. One of the best I have read in a long time. It pulled me straight into the action. Mesmerising stuff. Now all you need to do is make the characters more definable, tangible entities rather than just actors in a play by the author. They need to feel like living, breathing humans. What do they look like? What are the surroundings like? How is the character really feeling? (Free indirect speech can help here.)
Speaking of which, Tanya seemed a redundant character. Either cut her out completely or make more of her entrance: go to your greatest lengths to imagine her for the reader. If you can see her clearly in your mind's eye, your audience will do the same.
I think you had the right balance between description and dialogue, but more relevant description would greatly help. Don't try and think of the most amazing image every time; only show what needs to be shown - and no more! That way, your images will be more arresting and unusual.
You have stated that Skye is in "junior high" and so am not sure of the relevance of this question.
Hope this helps. Your talent is clear and with some work, it will improve no end.
Gahks
Very good! The description again was very, very good. It gives Skye a poetic side to her nature, instead of being the complete teen rebel who doesn't give a monkey's about whether something's beautiful or not.
I don't know why, but that last bit really threw me off. It was all shadows and spiderwebs and silhouettes and then that came up and it was like a kick in the pants. Maybe, I set down my pen for a moment and watched.
Or you could have her play with the pen instead... or is Skye not that type of girl?
I don't quite get why Skye thinks that the other bloke used her. All he did was ask her whether Janet had said about the date.
Otherwise, it was very good!
Thanks, bkwrm!
I'm glad you like it, and thanks for the nit-picks!
I love part two
I think the MSN thing is great - and their disscussion gives you a much better idea of their friendship. Plus I'm definately going with English as Skye's favourite subject now - only English lovers would expect capitalised 'I's. I really love your writing style it's so great - such wonderful metaphors!
I noticed this when I was reading part one through again - it should be iPod
Okay, I understand that you're trying to show us that the silence doesn't really go away - but you need to find a way of telling us the same thing in different words because you are basically repeating yourself here.
Don't repeat now - use either "You've gotta come in now. It's bedie-by time ." or "You've gotta come in. It's bedie-by time now." Personally I prefer the latter.
I think you need a semi-colon, but you might want to get a second opinion on that.
Other than that, there's not really much that I can see that's wrong with it.
PM when you've done chapter two. Keep writing,
Bkwrm
Part Two is up, 'yall!
... so, um, please review. ^^
*glomps Sam and Alainna*
Thank you both soooo much! Great crits. ^^ I'll keep in mind what you've suggested and fix the nit-picks right away.
It's Paralyzer by Finger 11.
----
Thanks again,
Camille xx
PS. Part two is almost ready to be posted!
*boogies* I quite like this for a first chapter--it's really engaging, and I don't think I could live without reading more.
A lot of people have a problem with building up action in the first part to keep interest, but you didn't. It was really cool to see!
[Unrelated:
What song is that from? I hear it on the radio all the time, but I don't know who it is.]
1. Do you get any feel for Skye's personality yet? If yes, what helped to build up her character? If not, what could I do to improve?
She feels like a very strong-willed, "tough" character who seems rough on the outside but has some definite weak spots on the inside. Though she's cool, you'll want to be careful to not fall into the complete Teenage Rebel clichè. She can be defiant towards authority she doesn't respect, but there's bound to be a thought process behind that and, at some point, an adult she looks up to.
2. How do you like the style of writing so far? Too much description? Too little?
It's really cool--it's very artistic for your subject matter, which is refreshing. However, there were times when your brain seemed "on" or "off":
Here, you can tell that you were really focusing in on description, like, 'Oh, hey, it's time for description now!' Don't worry about specific details so much--instead, focus on making sure that your description is evenly dispersed throughout the piece and not just in little nuggets.
3. How old do you think Skye is?
Probably about fourteen.
__
I really like this! Poke me when there's more up. ^_^
Hey Camille, I made it after all!!
First off, I really enjoyed this and I would very much like to be on the List. I liked the way you described things, especially the weather. My personal favourites were 'rain-pregnant sky' and 'tiny silver explosions'.
Fine as it is, but you could say 'beautiful yet sad'.
'every after-school' doesn't make much sense. Perhaps 'everyday after school'?
Eeek! While I really did like this chapter this has worried me. You aren't goint to topple into the cliche box are you?
1) Yes, some sort of teen rebel, a hard nut. I think this was put across mostly by the fact that she was in a detention.
2) I like your style of writing a lot, it's very good. Try not to over-describe things. At the moment you are fine but just make sure that you don't start to over or under describe.
3) 14
The only thing that I can really suggest that you try to improve is Skye's friends and the interaction between them. At the moment it was that part that was the weakest.
A very good start! Keep writing,
Alainna
xxxx
aestar101 > added to the list.
LolitaRose > yus! I'm so glad that you think she's "an average girl, but something more than that". I tried to give that impression by having her notice the rain and stuff like that, you know?
bkwrm > thanks for the nit-picks, and thanks even more for the tips on characterization! I really appreciate it.
ChernobyllyInclined > thank-you! I'm very grateful for your suggestions -- and yes, I am really 12 years old. ^^
I luf you all for giving me such awesome critiques! I will be taking all your suggestions into account as I edit (I post a revision after every five chapters; I find that if I try to get each chapter perfect before moving on, I never get anywhere).
Cheers,
Camille The Happy Writer xx
You're not really only twelve, are you?
Anyway, I found the description quite pleasing. It flowed in a pleasant sort of way.
Skye I found slightly intriguing but I think you could improve her character. At the beginning when she is in detention I feel that you could have made the dialogue a little less predictable. Have her responses to the teacher be less 'snarly' and more infuriating. Have her mock the teacher in a more laid-back way. For, she can probably guess that her reactions will only prove the teacher right, and she would likely have more fun making the teacher as angry as she is.
My next suggestion is to make the exchange between Tanya and Skye less predictable. You could still have there be a silence, but make the silence filled with Skye's thoughts on why there is a silence. Or even have the silence begin with something besides itself. I feel like their friendship needs to be a little more developed before Tanya leaves.
The end was a little bit too cliche. Add something to it that will make it more surprising. Something as common and annoying as the guy you like going out with someone you don't like just isn't going to be very grabbing. Your writing is too good to use a silly plot like that.
Hope this helps. And good luck with the story. ^_^
1. I think that Skye seems to be a fairly rebellious teenager, but I'd hazard a guess that she's also a little bit of a geek at heart - and if that's not the impression you want, don't mention homework. Also she seems to be desperate for attention - maybe she doesn't get much at home? I'd say that her favourite subject is probably English or Art or something else creative and that she can't be bothered with most of the others.
Am I reading too much into it? Sorry if that's the case.
2. I love the style - stick with it
3. I'd put Skye at around 15/16
There needs to some sort of break between resumed her work and grading the assignments I suggest a comma but some other form of punctuation would do.
steel-grey
If she's her best friend then Skye will know when she was sick - so there's no need say 'a couple of days ago'.
I love this - what a great metaphor!
It should be further
Anway, I'd love to be on The List
Bkwrm
1. Do you get any feel for Skye's personality yet? If yes, what helped to build up her character? If not, what could I do to improve?
She seems kinda like an average girl, but is actually a bit more than that. Did that make sense? ^.^;
2. How do you like the style of writing so far? Too much description? Too little?
It's fine with me.
3. How old do you think Skye is?
Around fiveteen.
I'll be intersted to get a PM when the next installment comes out.
Muchas gracias to all three of you!
We can only hope. Actually, I might be PMing you about that.
I'm glad you all found the writing style interesting. ^^ It's somewhat of a new style for me, what with writing in 1rst person, and I'm glad it worked.
Part Two is coming soon!
- Camille xox
PS. The List: a list of people who would like to be notified (via PM) when the next part of the story is out. Is anyone interested? If you are, mention that in your reviews, please, and I'll PM everyone who is on the list when I post the next part.
1. Rebellious teen. Go careful; this is very cliched ground. >.<
2. Love the style and great description!
3. 16ish.
Cool beginning, but part of me is looking out for the cliches that I think are coming next. Here's hoping my search will be barren, sa? ^_~
No errors that I could see, and technically sound. (Mae carnen! It's so rare that that happens.)
That was a great start.
1. Skye's personality I think is slightly depressed and agnstful. I argee withte person above that she night wants attention.
2. I like the writng style it just doesn't tell me what the rest of the story is about.
3. I think Skye is probaly 14 or 15 it seems like she is still in Middle School.
This was great! You could use a tad bit more detail. I can't wait until the next installment.
1. Do you get any feel for Skye's personality yet? If yes, what helped to build up her character? If not, what could I do to improve?
Somewhat. I think she craves for attention, but doesn't want to her need for it too obvious. I'm not sure though. I'm not deep enough in the story to know.
2. How do you like the style of writing so far? Too much description? Too little?
Don't change it. It has just the right amount of description in my opinion.
3. How old do you think Skye is?
I'd put her at 14-16 years old.
Anyway, I noticed something. Insignificant really, but how could she not identify the song on her iPod? o0