Thanks Vivi!
I'll work on that! 
Yeah, here's the second bit. I was writing it before I received feedback on Part one, so there's probably the same mistakes.
Any ways, here it is. I know it's uber-short. >.<
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was only one thing to do. She took a deep breath - and slid into the water. It was warm and light, but her shorts and t-shirt weighed her down. A flurry of silver bubbles danced before her eyes, and far, far down - sand. Too far. She cursed herself silently for choosing the one place that there was a drop-off before surfacing.
Spotting a large rock about five feet away, she swam over and hid behind it, treading water.
"Ay-" her mother's voice was cut off abruptly. Ayra tensed and clutched the ridged stone with desperate fingers. A moment later, snarls shredded the silence. Terror sank under her skin.
She leaned away from the rock, craning her neck to see what was happening on the beach.
Her mother was sprawled on the sand, and four large wolves stood in a ring around her. The largest was an enormous white female with eyes as black as pitch.
Ayra. A whisper of thought - not her thought - brushed across her mind, as light as a dew-spangled spider web. She recoiled from the contact, and heard a low growl of amusement from the white wolf.
Do not be afraid. The voice was more pronounced now, as if it had delved deeper into her mind. She did not have the strength to reply. Her eyes, wide with horror, were fixed on her mother's spread-eageled body. What have you done with my mom? she screamed with her thoughts.
Nothing. She is simply unconscious. The wolf - she supposed that it was the Alpha female - replied calmly.
Why? Why did you knock her out? Ayra asked. Adrenaline spiked through her veins; she didn't pause to reflect on the fact that she was communicating telepathically with an animal.
The wolf bared her teeth in what Ayra supposed was a smile. You will find out soon enough. Now, leave the water. There is another world waiting for you.
WHAT? She asked scornfully. Another world? What kind of lame joke was this?
You will see. Patience is a virtue. The wolf flicked her tail and turned to face one of her comrades; a smaller black female. Ayra watched, fascinated, as they exchanged a message with subtle movements in their ears and tails; the merest glimpses through narrowed eyes. The ebony-furred wolf turned away in what Ayra thought was an abashed manner and gave an aggrieved whine. The Alphess took up a regal posture - ears slicked back, paws splayed - and barked at Ayra.
She must want me to get out of the water, she thought, and clambered onto the rocks. Despite the warmth of the sun and sand, she was shivering.
"What is this whole...mess?" she asked out loud. Her voice was tinged with anger.
Instead of replying with her thoughts, the white wolf swished her tail and led her pack into the trees. Ayra was too tired to do anything but follow - although she stopped and kneeled by her mother on the way. Her skin was pale and cold, and there was a sheen on sweat on her brow, but she appeared unhurt. Ayra breathed a sigh of relief and entered the woods.
Good work
I am not going to quote anything.
But I seem to be missing out on my usually dose of description from you.
I know that others say its to purple but I liked it better. It painted us a very clear picture of our surroundings and helped us feel like we where actually there.
All you have described in this was the bubbles the a few of the wolves and thats about it.
When they I said try not to repeat the same bits of description over again I didn't mean to take it all out!
Add some color. Keep going.
Your unhelpful cousin,
love ya!
Genevieve
i agree with squalz. you need a whole bunch more emotion. wouldnt arya be really pissed off that a bunch of wolves just knocked out who i assume to be her maturnal mother? wouldnt she be more concerned than only that her mom was still alive? didnt she worry about, say a concusion her mother could have recieved?
You set the stage for a quick change of scenery and an increase in plot, so that's good.
simply sounds out of place.She is [s]simply[/s] only unconscious.
Ayra wrote:But! I've decided to make this really, really short Chapter longer by adding a part from the Alpha wolfs point of view. It will be the wolf watching Ayra's transformation - so that the reader knows more about that without me tellig it all from Ayra's point of view. You savvy?
Thanks! It does help!
Yes...I've printed out parts one and two of Ch. 1 and I've been editing them, adding more of her background and appearance and motives for her actions. Hopefully the edit will be up soon, 
As for the nit-picks, I'll fix those right away!
Chapter 2 might take a while, though. I've found an online article about writing fantasy, and apparently you're supposed to build the other world (as in create its main races, weather patterns, flora and fauna, etc) before you start writing. It seems like a good idea so I will be doing that for about five days or so...you know, creating maps, doing research etc.
But! I've decided to make this really, really short Chapter longer by adding a part from the Alpha wolfs point of view. It will be the wolf watching Ayra's transformation - so that the reader knows more about that without me tellig it all from Ayra's point of view. You savvy?
Any ways, thanks all! 
Part 1 and 1/2 will be out soon!
- Camille
Very nice Camille!
Because it is so short, my only major comment is that you break up the huge paragraph... it wasn't very bad, but should be fixed anyway. I also agree with what Squallz said about ... well ... everything. 
I also think that you should tell us how far the rock she hides behind is from the beach. I thought that it was quite far (because she had to swim there and couldn't just wade) but then, later, she just steps out from behind the rock and is on the beach, following the wolves. Fishy. (no pun intended ^_^)
Ayra wrote:She swam behind a large rock and waited, treading water.
Ayra wrote:Adrenaline spiked through her veins; she didn't pause to reflect on the fact that she was talking with an animal.
Ayra wrote:The ebony-furred wolf turned away in what she thought was an abashed manner and gave an aggrieved whine.
Ayra wrote:She must want me to get out of the water, she thought, and clambered onto the rocks.
Ayra wrote:Her skin was pale and cold, and there was a sheen on sweat on her brow, but she appeared unhurt.
Thanks Squallz!
Man, I should really go review something of yours! I owe you for all the times you've reviewed my work.
Anyways, I will [try to] explain her actions more and all that. Hopefully I'll have the edit up soon...well, once I'm finished editing Ch. 1, that is.
Thanks again,
Ayra
Hey Ayra,
Mind you, I have read the previous part. I'm just posting my impressions on the chapter as a whole in here.
You have some very nice descriptions, which, in my opinion, was well worded and it really does picture a scene. I believe that descriptions is your strong point, and I am happy to see that you've toned down on how you've worded the story and hence, making it more pleasant for the reader to read. Overall, the flow of the story was pretty good, and had kept me reading.
I also second Heather and Sam. The ideas in this chapter was somewhat unorganized, and it had jumped from one idea to the next without a transition or a link. This makes the writing somewhat jumbled and lessens the importance of certain ideas.
Following what I have said above, the pacing in this was also a bit fast. You followed the "show, don't tell" rule so rigidly that you didn't explain the reasons of Ayra's actions nor elaborate an idea or emotion further. For example, why was Ayra transversing through the woods? Was she having a break? Was she having some fun? Was she trying to get away from her dis functional family? The reason to this should be presented as your own personal comment.
That is also the reason why Ayra and her mum feels a bit bland. I would give Ayra a second chance, she does seem promising. It's just that you haven't presented any reasons or explanations as to why I should care Ayra more deeply than I should, and the way she interacts with the gaia (environment of the fantasy world) and her actions. There's just little emotion and relevance to it, and I really don't like how everything isn't that well connected.
Overall, this was ok. It did keep me reading and I did found it entertaining. Ultimately, you should be able to elaborate your ideas further and present them in a more coherent manner. I do admit that you are improving, and I shall be keeping my eye on you XD
Laters Ayra.
Andy
120,615 Literary Works • 651,085 Reviews
Points: 1609
Reviews: 602
Donate